Married w/ Children - Would you have had them if ? ......?

Question

Before you start the flame / hate responses..... Let me state that I absolutely LOVE my kids and wouldn't trade being a father for anything......

However - If you KNEW going in the changes kids would cause in your relationship between you and your spouse, would you still have had kids?

It seems that many women (my wife included) push their husbands to back burner status after the kids are in the picture...

Comments such as: the kids come first, then my hubby - he is grown and can fend for himself (etc....), are extremely common on this and other marriage forums.

The kids cause stress in the marriage, increased demands for time / $ / energy / etc....

Sometimes I just feel like I've been "dupped" into the family life... going in you're told by everyone, friends, family, co-workers, that kids are a "blessing" and the "greatest thing in your life", etc... of which I agree....

However - very few will EVER speak honestly and cadidly about the TOLL kids take on a marriage.

Answer 1

It is harder, I'll give you that. I think the mistake happens when you don't put your spouse first. My husband and I went into parenthood with the attitude that these kids are on loan to us for a limited amount of time. We love them, raise them, educate them and then hand them over to the world in the hopes that they will do well. We know that keeping our marriage interesting and fun is the best gift we can give to our children. Our relationship will be the blueprint for their future relationships. That made us ask ....what do we want them to model? Do we want them to accept a relationship full of fighting and bickering? No way. We want them to see what a loving relationship is and hope that IF they choose marriage and kids that their lives will be close to what we have shown them.

I agree somewhat on the "duped" part. I think that society puts pressure on us to go with some kind of flow. Grow up, go to college, go to work, get married, have kids, have a house with a picket fence....etc. We do this blindly and usually at a pretty young age. By the time we have the maturity to question it we are deep into it. Hence the ever popular mid life crisis. You start questioning the decisions you've made and wondering if you could have been happier somehow. We see many marital problems because of this, maybe it's why the divorce rate is so high. Even though I was married at 24, I am telling my own kids that they need to wait a little longer. Times change and with that the flow of life must also change. I didn't realize how much you grow and mature in your 20's until I went through it. You really can't explain it to others. I want to break the expectations that were placed on me with my own kids. Hopefully I can and they will wait until they are fully mature to make important decisions like marriage and having children.

Is there more stress? Certainly. Do we all have days where we just want to come and go as we please?? I know I do. I love my children and wouldn't change having them for anything but I will do what I can to explain to them and perhaps change things for future generations. I refuse to cave in to the thought that my husband and I should sacrifice everything for our children. We hold on to our relationship tightly and our own personal aspirations. The kids are along for the ride and will hopefully gain from our mistakes and accomplishments. I know that at some point, it will just be me and him again, like the old days. We look forward to those times. Our hope is that our kids will be happy, healthy and productive and that we'll be able to enjoy that time of our lives knowing we've done something amazing together.

:)

Answer 2

No doubt to be totally honest, It is a question you secretly ask yourself, and then feel like s**** for even thinking "what If?"
As a mother and a wife, to pick your priorities at times is a job. Marriage takes a lot of effort, raising children seems to be more demanding in the aspect you are depended on for everything, you are in a sense molding a human being to be the best person they can and hope and pray you have taught them all the things they will need to succeed in life on their own. Most of their upbringing is all from their parent (s).
So there is a difference between the priorities of the children
and the spouse.
As a wife, there is that "knowing" when your children and your
husband need your love and attention. There is enough to go around. But sometimes the kids are priority and sometimes its the husband.
The women have the task of spreading herself equally to all of
the household.
It works but is not always easy.
No one should feel left out, I would always keep on my toes to prevent that.
To me, family is everything, so is their happiness.
The kids eventually go their own way, I cherish the time I have them at home.
But I will not slight my husband either, its me and him when the kids are gone.

Maybe your wife should read some of your answers.
I respect your honesty by the way.

Answer 3

Yes, I do understand you very well... some days you hate to cope with all that stuff and wish you were free again, without any responsibilities and you could do whatever you are pleased...
Don’t worry, that doesn’t mean, that you are a bad dad or husband...
Too many women give not enough attention to their partnership and married life and that does cause frustration.
i think, the most important thing is find time on your own without the kids, just time for your relationship.
We go on one holiday per year without the kid for example and we are not bad parents, but I think, that it is important for both of us to keep our intimacy alive.
Take it easy, it’s nice to be a parent and most of the days we do love to be parents, but some days are just horrible and all you can do is pray, that the day ends soon and the next day will be at least a little better.
My daughter is adopted, as I can’t get pregnant and well, it was a lot of struggling and crying before I got her out of India, so...
No, it wasn’t easy, after all she was almost 4 years old when she arrived here...
But we would always do the same again and again, as we love her so much.
But we won’t have another one, that’s for sure…

Answer 4

Kids certainly do take a major toll on your marriage - I'm in the same boat. I will admit that my kids come before my husband. that said I also fee that we should be a team - or at least I want us to be a team, and we should both be taking care of the kids - not him waiting in line for my attention - which he does. Anyway. I think the main factor is that everyone must work together to make the family unit strong. I know only few families that actually pull this off. I am not in one of them. My kids are a strain on our marriage for sure, but I always tell people that they darn well better be ready for kids or else they will regret it!

Answer 5

I don't feel that way! We have three and are not trying to stop number four (if it happens GREAT) !

I am sorry your wife feels like that. My wife and I ALWAYS let our kids know that we were married first and that our marriage comes before them! When I get home at night I tell all the kids hello and then head to the kitchen and while we make supper the kids are NOT to bother us! That is the time we talk and catch up on the day.

SO, I guess it is a matter of priorities and in my opinion my wife comes first (and she would say I do) and the kids can learn allot about marriage if you keep it that way!

Answer 6

I understand where you are coming from. My husband and I just had our first child after 7 years of marriage, and it has changed everything. It's very overwhelming sometimes. You expect alot of changes, but nothing like it really is.
I tried for 4.5 years to have my son, and would do it all over again to have him. But, that being said, his arrival has convinced me that I probably don't want to have anymore kids. Before I had him I thought 4 or 5 would be great since I have always been good with kids and love having them around.
I now think one is probably enough. I don't think I or our relationship is ready for another one. However, I'm sure after some time to adapt I might go back to my old way of thinking.

Answer 7

I can recall watching a show, probably Oprah don't remember. There was a woman that wrote a book about her relationship with her husband and children Something like "I love my children but I am not in love with them". She said that too many women ignore their husbands when trying to take care of their children. I agree with her. I think that your relationship with your wife is just as important as the children. I think you both should make time for yourselves without the kids once in a while. I have spoken to many of my divorced co-workers and they all say that the kids always came first and their relationship was put on the back burner. How can you have a healthy family that way? This author said something very important, she said that you had your relationship first and THEN children so your relationship needs to stay strong so you can set a good family example towards your children.
You should try helping your wife and working as a team so she is not overwhelmed. Maybe that is what is happening. Kids are hard work and you have to be committed to taking care of them because they do depend on you for everything. I agree that they are wonderful but sometimes you need a break. More and more couple are choosing not to have children and I think it is becoming more acceptable in todays society.
edit
Here's a little excerpt I found on that author:
Oprah defended the writer Ayelet Waldman, whose essay in the New York Times flat-out states that she loved – well, you read it:

"I am in love with my husband…It is his face that inspires in me paroxysms of infatuated devotion. If a good mother is one who loves her child more than anyone else in the world, I am not a good mother. I am in fact a bad mother. I love my husband more than I love my children.

An example: I often engage in the parental pastime known as God Forbid. What if, God forbid, someone were to snatch one of my children? God forbid. I imagine what it would feel like to lose one or even all of them. I imagine myself consumed, destroyed by the pain. And yet, in these imaginings, there is always a future beyond the child’s death. Because if I were to lose one of my children, God forbid, even if I lost all my children, God forbid, I would still have him, my husband.

…My husband will say that we, he and I, are the core of what he cherishes, that the children are satellites, beloved but tangential.… I should not use that wretched phrase ”bad mother.” At the very least, I should allow that, if nothing else, I am good enough. I do know this: When I look around the room at the other mothers in the group, I know that I would not change places with any of them.I wish some learned sociologist would publish a definitive study of marriages where the parents are desperately, ardently in love, where the parents love each other even more than they love the children. It would be wonderful if it could be established, once and for all, that the children of these marriages are more successful, happier, live longer and have healthier lives than children whose mothers focus their desires and passions on them."

Answer 8

I would most definitely still have my children. But I am possibly one of the few women who make time for my children, and my husband. They share me...they have to, because I can't be everywhere at once. My husband and I take turns with out 2 boys. While he reads to one, I'm feeding the baby, or vice versa. If it's bath night, he gets the bath ready and I get the clothes out for next day, get the baby settled or vice versa again. During the day while my husband is at work, we make time to text one another saying I love you, miss you or just tease eachother about what will happen once the kids are both sleeping... I make sure the house is clean, dinner is made, and our baby is taken care of. That way when he gets home from work, it is homework, playtime, dinner, bath, bedtime, and then OUR time. My hubby and I both sometimes think it would be easier..hell it would be, but like you said.. wouldn't trade for anything in the world. We make it a point to put eachother ahead of ourselves, yes our children are our top concern, but if we don't have a solid foundation first and formost that is no good for the kids.

Answer 9

Having kids during marriage IS hard; integrating a teen-child into a new marriage is even harder, believe me!

I understand what you're saying completely, but perhaps you and your wife need to see someone about these feelings. This is especially true if you've tried to express yourself to her and it's ended up causing a disagreement (or two, or five!).

A new study released about a year ago said that married couples who put their marriage first before kids or family life are happier, more fulfilled and less likely to divorce than those who put the kids first. So maybe this is a tack you should try.

I wish you luck. It can be hard on BOTH parents to balance married life and parent life....

Answer 10

Because I am a woman, I won't comment on the "wife" issues, mostly because I am a single mother with no husband.....

....but I have thought of this often and I have vocalized my feelings to others (not my kids), but if I knew then, what I know now...no, I'd never have had kids. Not because of what they've done to my life, but because of what I have done to theirs.

Being a single mother causes more hardship and struggle for kids. The father is not in the picture due to his chronic addiction...so there's that factor as well. How do you explain to a little boy that his father choose drugs over his family?

Unless you have a stable relationship (and who does), with two committed and loving and co-operative adults involved, it's best (for me) not to have kids...again, for their emotional, physical, spiritual well-being...not mine.

Good question.