Is it me, or does anyone else experience this in life?

Question

IT seems that if any calling in my family is done, it is me that calls. IF any visiting is done, it is me that pays the bills to fly to the East coast, rent a car, do all the driving to and fro...I have two grown sons who say they love me...yet it is always me that flies to see them, it is always me who flies to see my grandkid, it is always me who does everything to keep in touch. IF I stop calling, I will get a call in about 6 months to see if anything is wrong. I have lived here for 12 years, and in that time, I have recieve exactly one visit from my sons (each). It has suddenly dawned on me that just perhaps, family contact is not nearly as important to them as it is to me. All my life, I have been the one who does the calling...my parents, my kids, my grandchild. IT has always been me who does the flying, etc. And, truthfully, I am feeling tired of all of it. My kids make plenty of money, and have a bank of excuses why they cannot do this, that, or anything but what suits them.

Yet, my sons and I are close..on the phone if I call. I am feeling very abused at this point, and have had it to the gills! I am wondering if I am the only one here who experiences this behavior...if so, I have a lot of re-examining of my life to do. I have been generous to a fault, my kids have always had a safety net in me, my grandson wants for nothing. Goldwing

I live in California, they live on the East Coast...my old body cannot take many more flights...it is getting downright painful to fly for a day to and from...and yes, they make plenty of money, yet always go wherever to do what they want to do. I am serious when I say I am feeling very low on the priority list here. Perhaps I am having a Pity Party today, but I don't think so. I rarely go for that kind of thinking...but I am so damned tired of it all.

OMG, this is overwhelming! I thought it was just me! What I didn't add was that I work 40-50 hours a week running a business that takes care of 6-7 family's income. I am not retired in any way, I have a life that is more busy than any of my kids...and still, it is up to me to take off from work and go visit them...
After reading all that has been written below, I am to the realization that there is only one way I can gracefully deal with the situation...back off of it entirely. I will return any missed calls, but as far as more calling to not have calls returned...NO MORE! As for visits, that is over also. A trip here costs them nothing, for there is a standing offer on the table that I will pay all air fare, I have ample cars that they can use, food would cost nothing! IT IS a matter of priorities....theirs are not me, and from what I have read below, it seems that this is very common. Trust that I am not bitter about any of this. They have the time and money, just not for me.

Answer 1

The obvious here is that you are the one who has the need and inclination to connect as often as you do.
You know full well that you can't make other people feel what you feel. Sounds goofy to even entertain yet that's what's going on. Nevertheless, you are now becoming resentful that your grown kids don't seem to feel the same need.

You are the one who has the need and you are the one who SHOULD be making the moves to meet your own needs not other people.
However, life is all about change, and if you are not enjoying making ALL the moves, ALL the time, and resenting that others aren't meeting you half way, then perhaps you should examine the SILENT expectations you have of your family.

You really need to discuss these feelings with your family members. Since you've always gone to them, they probably have no clue that you are now feeling the way you are about being the only motivator for visiting and would like things to change.

Don't be angry with your family over a set of unspoken rules of behaviors that you yourself have set through the years.
My favorite saying is "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got."
Where you're at, is simply life telling you that you need to change something in your life. Don't let it become lost in hurt feelings and become personal issues.

Answer 2

Hi Goldwing!

I, like it seems, everyone else am very familiar with this problem and it's prevalent in just about all members of my family, except for my Son and Grandkids, but they're young. Most families today have this problem. I can remember with my folks, it was my sister. She only lived 15 minutes away, but told them she lived 45 and it was hard to get to see them. Phone calls were rare.

When I bought my property, it was right next to my parents. They were elderly and needed help. I believe it has a lot to do with the compassion of the child for his/her parent.

Parent, you remember them, they're the ones that raised these kids. They're the ones that met their every need and went out of their way to make sure that everything was "OK" when it looked like the world was falling down around them.

They grow up and their lives get cluttered with the world around them. Their jobs, educations, their families, all the big things and the little things. They forget their roots and forge new ones of their own. They forget us and we are to go on and live our lives like they never existed. This hurts.

I am so thankful to God Almighty that I did not forget my parents. And my son, young as he was, helped with their care and to this day, remembers the joys and the heartaches.
I am close with my son and the grandkids.

I always did the calling and visiting and took the parents. Even after one of them became an amputee. They're gone now. But, I'm at peace. I don't regret it.

I truly wish that there is something that could be done to turn this all around for you. But we all suffer with this from others as we get older. We can scream and yell at the top of our lungs, but it does no good, so save your breath.

Continue your business and supporting those families who work with you. Your family is actually bigger than you think, and closer, too. Continue to be a friend and "Dad" to those around you.

Let your children call when they wish. One of these days, they're going to start wondering why they haven't heard from you. It may be six months, a year. But, they will call, eventually.

Find your peace where you can with this situation. I won't tell you that "this too shall pass" because it doesn't.

Blessings on you, my friend.

Answer 3

Wow! Goldwing, you just described my situation too! My girls expect me to call, visit and be there when they are in the hospital, birthing or, in Cindy's case, no kidneys. I do not mind supporting my children as truly, I want to be there; however, none of this is ever returned!

Goldwing, when I gave Cindy my kidney, you know what she said to me when the steroids made her swell?...."The day you gave me your kidney was the worse day of my life!" WHAM! My heart was crushed! Yet, I was not suppose to be offended by, "how she felt." Yeah, right! Even so, I would do it again as I was the only match and her mother...no brainer there!

Summer before last, I was taken to the hospital for my heart. We knew that I had a malfunctioning valve but, this was different! Hubby called the girls to tell them. My youngest, never called to even check on me. She told Cindy that it was just a "rough" week at work! Then, there is Cindy. I was in the local hospital...not even five miles from her house! She came twice and stayed no longer than ten minutes each visit.

So, yes, I am there with you. We love these children and, in some cases, we have done without much so they could have better than we did! I am totally convinced, that in my situation, I will never know any form of gratitude, while living! They are just too focused on themselves....I suppose many of the young people do this....not all, as I have seen others who truly show thier parents love and genuine graditude.

It is not a pity thing! It is a reality that we cannot change this, as far as their behavior. What we can do is to take back what we have given up, for the sake of everyone else! In my case, I will talk to my yongest when she calls me! I always try to call her but, she is always too busy or, too tired to really, "talk." I do not want pacification! I want a true relationship and a mutual one! I believe this is what you are saying too! It really does take all involved to keep a healthy relationship and when others do not reciprocate...ever.....I simply must not beat my head against the wall in repititious reaching out...only to be disappointed or, hurt!

I wish you the best, Goldwing, as I surely relate to your frustration.

Answer 4

When I first read your post I thought -you could be writing about me. This is exactly how it was with my parents, my brother, and now my grown kids. But you know what? I really don't care. I don't know why my parents rarely called me or hardly ever visited me most of my adult life. They never got to know their grandchildren, but I decided early on that I would continue to call them and visit them because I loved them. And when I eventually realized that I wanted my brother in my life I started calling him and visiting him. And when my daughters moved out on their own I called them at least once a week just to let them know that I was always going to be a major part of their lives, like it or not. My parents passed away two years ago and I miss them terribly. I'm writing this message at my brother's house where I've been for the last two weeks, and my daughters and I are on excellent terms.

Why after all this time are you going to hang it up with your family? You still love them obviously, and if the only way you get to see them is to be the one who calls, or the one who visits -so what? Life is like that. I understand how you are tired of the one sided relationship, believe me. You are the bigger person for persevering and by being a real dad and a real grandfather. Don't stop now, please.

Answer 5

It's not you and I see why you got thirteen stars. I stuck my neck out once and got my head bit off and I am going to do it again. For the one that bit my head off I need to say in my defense that I lived with one son, worked an eight hour day but before I went to my work I took the granddaughter to school and then I cleaned up the house and did the laundry. Having said this I have got to say it is because you have sons. Where I am all the daughters come to visit but not many sons. They have their plates full. I did not hear from my son for one year and a half so I told him to kiss off. Not a word have I heard. I don't like this in my life and mind but we women talk about it a lot. Yet we are females. I wrote my father in-law for my husband. Dad never knew the difference. I made sure we went to see him every weekend. I am sorry if I am making you feel bad. Whatever you do don't ask how often the wives parents are seen. All you'll get is that you are causing trouble.. Then you will never hear from them.

Answer 6

Many of us experience this. The people in my life are important to me and I've always been the one, (except for my mom and daughter) whether it be family or friends to write, call, visit, etc. Sometimes I'd think if I didn't stay in touch they'd be gone out of my life completely. I've backed off a few times and given others the chance to do more and often they have, the few people I lost along the way, were better left there. Let your family know you feel this way and give them a chance to do the calling, visiting, etc.

My mom and my daughter both call me several times a week. I travel to see mom because she can't travel anymore, but she visited when she could. I often visit my daughter because she's working and in school, but she makes the trip when she can. Neither ask anything from me, (not that I'd have it) but would give me their last dime. Concentrate on those in your life who want you in theirs and that treat you well. Giving without ever getting back really get old and we know you're not afraid to tell them so.

Answer 7

You know Goldwing I can sympathise with you on so many points.I also have two sons and I drop everything to help them, they treat me as a cash machine, I only hear from them when they want something, I have given them every kind of support over the years and they are 50 and 48 respectively. Whenever I look after my younger son's dogs it happens that their jabs are due at the Vet and I end up taking them there and paying the bill. Wow I could go on all night. Ask them to do something and it is sorry Dad I'd like to help but .......... a whole list of excuses. We have been too good to them. Treat them mean keep them keen applies to our Children as well as others. If I wrote a book about it and put everything in,you would not believe it, but I still love them and I still fall for it, why don't I ever learn.

Answer 8

My father always says, "Parents love their children more than children love their parents." It is true. When a child grows up and marries their spouse is supposed to be the most important person in their lives. Family of origin should take a back seat. When the children arrive they become the focus and parents drop another notch in the priority list.
It is not fair that you incur all the cost of a visit, they should be paying at least your airfare, just my opinion.
My family is spread out throughout N. America but my parents see their grandchildren at least once a year. They are still in good enough health to make the trips and it is important to all concerned that they know their grandchildren. When they do travel they are gone for at least a month to make it worth the trouble and expense.
It is expensive for a family to travel. My 2 brothers live in the States, my family is in Canada. One brother's in laws are in Isreal the other in Brazil so I can understand the lack of visits because no matter where they go it is expensive. My one brother's mother in law is now with them and is staying for 3 months. Threaten that...see if they won't offer to visit you, Ha, Ha.

Answer 9

Ppl always use the "I am busy " excuse. But really if you think about it they probably take days off from work to do things that are not as important as visiting your parents.

If you don't live far from the, I see no reason for them to let you do all the talking and flying, driving, etc. It should be a two way relationship. Right now it seems that you are the one doing everything.

You should really talk to them and tell them how you feel. It's not fair, specially if they make enough money and have the means to visit you.

Answer 10

OH Goldwing--------What to say, Feeling all used up and
abused, Best thing to do is let go with love! Sorry but sounds like you do sound bitter. You make no mention of, widowed
or divorced, or if you have a gal friend. Could be if you are solo your lone some, need some TLC. Aging brings with it many changes to our life to adjust to. I have four grand children, live in the same area, I see less of them as time goes by, They keep so busy with school actitives, working
all the etc. One in college I rarely hear from, if she gets home a week-end, she somtimes doesn't even phone. Live and let
live, I would bet if and when you really need them, they will be at your side. Look in side your self and see what's missing
in your life, that is not their job to fill. No one can make us unhappy or happy unless we allow it. Sounds to me you are just lone some. Blessings