Please help - an old friend of mine recently lost her partner. She is in her 30s and he was only 44. His?

Question

death was completely out of the blue and she is understandably just bereft.

For example I met her in town today and she was still crying constantly/looked so lost. She also said that her parents are on her back telling her that she will need to move on and so on which I personally feel is only adding to her woes and is not helpful.

Anyways, as I had my 2 year old with me I could not stay and talk too long but have arranged for her to come round tomorrow night - it has been so long since I lost someone close that I am beginning to wonder how to help or what to say.. certainly I will listen as best I possibly can but is there any advice that the yahoo community

can give me as to how to somehow help her through this impossibly sad time.

Ordinarily she plays her cards close to her chest - a bit like me - so I already know that could she cope alone she would already be doing so. She has also again for the first time talked of ending it all - again something totally uncharacteristic.

She is going through hell and I feel inadequate as to how to help her - I imagine she is feeling alone, like life has lost its meaning/that everything is pointless and that she wants to go to sleep for a long time etc

Thank you all in advance for help with this heartbreaking dilema..

Answer 1

I don't think she needs advice to be honest. She just needs someone to listen to her. It would be good if you were able to spend some time with her regularly and maybe eventually start suggesting going out little trips to the cinema etc.

Don't worry about having the right thing to say, I find that most of the time they just come out cliched anyway. Just being there for her and not judging is probably all she needs.

Answer 2

Hi there. I know two friends to whom this has happened.
They both reacted in opposite ways, one just put her shoulder to the wheel and pressed on, she had two young children to bring up. She is 6 years down the line now and doing really well, new partner, happy kids etc
The other one was like your friend sounds.
She will take a long time to come to terms with this. It is a massive shock and she will be in free-fall for a while yet. But just you being there for her, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem will help her now.
She will benefit so much from being able to cry and talk to you, it is all part of the grieving process. Time is a great healer, and impossible as it seems to her at the moment, she has to live her life again, he husband would be so upset if he could see how she was hurting.
Stay consistent and patient and she will come out of the other side.

ps the second friend has two children too and a pub to run, she has found things hard but realises now that life goes on.

Answer 3

I am so sorry, what a horribley sad thing to happen. I recently lost my mom who I was really close to. I know it's not the same as a partner, I don't know what I would do if I lost him. You mention that she has talked for the first time of ending it. That scares me as well. I think that inviting her over is a wonderful idea. When you see her, and this is just from my experience, let her do the talking, crying, ranting, anything that she needs to do. I would suggest that you not have your 2 year old around if possible. When you lose someone that you love very much, the pain that you carry inside of you is tremendous. You could offer to her the suggestion of maybe trying to go to a berievement class, maybe even go with her till she is comfortable enough to share her feelings with other people going through the same thing. I also agree with you that her parents need to back off. As you said she doesn't need anymore stress than what she already is going through. Maybe suggest to her to tell her parents that she loves them, but please respect my right to grieve. Every person handles greif differently her parents NEED to accept this. Believe me being lost, sad, depressed, in denial, angry, and all kinds of emotions is normal. You sound like a really decent friend to her, just you asking for advice from the yahoo community shows that. I personnaly feel that you are already doing the best that you can. She will eventually deal with moving on with life when SHE is ready. Nobody can do that for her. I must say to you thank you for having such compassion for your friend. God bless. One more thing, if you feel that she is truly in danger of hurting herself, or ending her life, that I would strongly suggest that you get her help immediately, don't even wait a second. Also it's SO important to take care of yourself. If you don't you won't do her any good, or your family. Take care.

Answer 4

I would just let her talk it out with you. You seem like you care a lot and I'm sure that just being there will be a big help. I'm assuming she has no children to occupy her time? Her folks seem like they mean well but they are pushing her too fast. It takes some people a long time to cope with that type of loss and some never recover. She should seek some professional grief counseling. Other things that might help is getting her invovled with something that gets her out of the house and may take her mind off herself for a little bit. It's the being alone in the house at night that is going to be the tough one.

Good luck to you and her and God Bless you for caring.

Answer 5

First don't tell her that you KNOW how she feels .
Then let her talk and cry - Listen and be compassionate.
Then give her a HOPE, read to her from the bible
what it says at John 5:28 & 29 and Act 24:15
... IF she shows interest in the meaning of those scriptures
then go and find the help for her, arrainge for someone with
bible knowledge to come to her and offer consul from
the scriptures. Believe me that is the best help you can give her, THE HOPE OF THE RESURRECTION.

Answer 6

I have been in the same situation recently my friend lost her husband suddenly he went off to work one day and never came home again he was only 50. All I can say is just let her know that you are there for her no matter when she needs you be at the end of the phone or there if she needs you and just encourage her to talk about him even if she repeats herself over and over again. That's what my friend did, it has been almost a year now and she still has not go over it but you just have to be there and to listen. Its a very hard time for you also as her friend but it is as times like this you need your friends it just takes time. my thoughts are with you on this one. take care x

Answer 7

You are doing the right thing already, you're asking her round and listening to her. I can't think of anything esle at the moment that could help her. She will move on in her own time and as you say it doesn't help being told that. You sound like a lovely friend, she is lucky to have you so just do your best and be there when you can for her.

Answer 8

Your friend might thank the creator that she worships for the precious time provide to her and her beloved on this earth. Next, she should understand that the same creator chose her loved one for a reason. Last, she should flip through her wedding album, and savor the memories of the beautiful event, smile, cry or flip a cartwheel and seize the day with all of the love she has left. Her burden will become lighter as the days pass.

Blessings to the one who need not be sad

Answer 9

You are being helpful to get her to come over! Be sure she does it - if she cancels you'll know she needs you to push a little.
Listen is the best thing. Ask her if you can do anything to help with the parental pressure, she might want you to talk to her parents but maybe not.
And don't hesitate to change the subject from time to time. Tell her about your child, your garden, a new recipe - anything not to box her in without any conversation topic except her grief.
Then in a week or so ask her to join you for something lowkey - a trip to the pumpkin patch? so you two will have something pleasant but unimportant to be doing if she wants a break from her grief.

Answer 10

You sound like a really good friend. The best thing you can do is to be there to listen and invite her on outings when you can. I know that will be hard with a 2 year old to take care of, but even going to the park or going shopping together will help get her out of the house and put something else on her mind. My best to you and your friend.