Trying to avoid trite statement in opening line of cover letter. But something about this sounds funny to me..

Question

Can you please take a look at it and offer suggestions for re-wording, if appropriate? I don't want to start off by saying something boring like "please accept my resume for this position." I want the opening line to have some impact and make the reader want to continue... Here it is.

"As a certified urban planner with twenty years experience, five of which as planning director of a comparably-sized university community, I am pleased to submit my resume in application for the position of Director of Planning for the City of _____________, _____."

Jayna, great suggestion, but it would be technically inaccurate. I spent the first 10 years of my career as an UN-certified planner.

Answer 1

okay....on this particular opening - pull out "five of which as planning director of a comparably-sized university community"...you will need it to bulk your cover letter....this is in your resume already (i assume - and it should be).....reference it again in your next paragraph by starting it something like "As you can see on my resume, I have five years experience as planning director of a comparably sized university community, which I feel would make me a great asset to the City of ____________. (No need to mention the state, they know what state they are in) Therefore at this time I would like to submit my resume in application for the position of Director of Planning in the sincerest hopes that you will consider my qualities to be what you are looking for.
since I have basically rearranged your whole cover you should have an opening "hook line" that introduces you in a unique way and then continue.....look your opening is fine ....you asked for suggestions so here are a few...please dont be offended - your style is great...good luck

Answer 2

Your wording sounds a little pompous. Simplicity is everything in this kind of letter and makes the thing easier and more relaxing to read. Try.............

I should like to apply for the position of Director of Planning.
I am a certified urban planner with twenty years experience, of which the last five have been as planning director of a medium sized university community. Please find my resume enclosed herewith.

Don't forget that the people reading your application like to think of themselves as busy people with very little time. Keep it short and to the point and you won't go far wrong.
The first sentence should define your objective, the rest is just supporting evidence.
Good luck.

Answer 3

The problem with your opening is that you seem to imply that you are applying because you are a certified urban planner rather than as yourself. Try

I am a Certified Urban Planner with twenty years experience, including five years as Planning Director of a comparably sized university community, I am therefore pleased to submit my Resume in support of my application for the position of Director of Planning for the City of _____________, _____."

Answer 4

Sounds fine as-is to me.

Or you could change it to this:

"With twenty years of experience as a certified urban planner, five of which as planning director of a comparably-sized university community, I am pleased to submit my resume in application for the position of Director of Planning for the City of _____________, _____."

Answer 5

Do you want to do math? Let's add a bed, subtract your clothes, divide your legs and multiply! My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream in bed. Lets play house, you be the screandoor and iIll bang you all night long. Violets are blue, roses are red, what is it going to take to get you into bed? Are you a hooker? Cause I'm hooked on you. Bond...James Bond.. (Lol!) Lol These are so funny Is your name mickey? because your so FINE!

Answer 6

sounds fine to me, HRM people get bored with the same old cliches, you sum up your qualification and experience right in the first line.