Why is the first year of marriage so difficult?????

Question

We were best friends, we got married out of friendship more than lusty passionate love. We have a large family together, he has two children and I have four. He has a son who is autistic and we both work full time jobs. Our life is extremely full but also very good. Our kids are all great, while having a special needs son isn't easy, it's rewarding and we go above and beyond for him. It's the little stuff that's killing us, I am OCD with a clean house (and I mean display home clean) and he isn't (at all), I am supermom and he is more passive aggresive, etc. I find myself being short and crabby with him and uninterested in him romantically but I am not sure why? I find myself nit picking everything about him to the point where when I look at him I get almost angry and he isn't attrative to me anymore. When I try to discuss our differences (very gently) he becomes angry and then pouts for days and I mean POUTS (like a child), What does all this mean?

Answer 1

Don't hurt your shoulder trying to pat yourself in the back SUPERMOM. The problem clearly is YOU!

I feel sorry for your husband, I would'nt be able to tolerate you for more than an hour and he has to live with you. You have four kids, most likely with four different men. Maybe you need to go around the block a couple more times, have another four kids and see if you can do better. You need to pull your head out of your a$$ and appreciate what you have and not be dreaming up this fantasy husband that does not exit for you. I can't think of many decent men who would take on a woman with that much baggage, especially with your kind of attitude.

Answer 2

Sometimes we just get over-booked and it can make us crabby. You said you have some OCD? That may be some your problem. Your just expecting "cleaniness" from hubby and he will never produce. What you got when you first married will only get worse as time passes. So, all you can do now is put this energy elsewhere and leave him alone. I know it's hard, but if you want to stay married to him then you got to do it. I would bet you he's a decent man and no slobbier than my hubby. That's just a man for you. What to really be concerned about is if lying, cheating, or just be a total leach. All the rest can be worked around. The key to getting a man to do what you want? No naggin ir bitchin just a bunch of love makin. I'm telling you this works! Make appoint to try it. Then talk sweet to him and he'll be more helpful. Direct your frusterations to a source that wont effect you like this one is. You have already seen it's not working. Try my way or others ways. Don't give up because those kids need you all together and getting along!

Answer 3

The first year suppose to be land flowing with milk and honey!
So now you´re living something that isn´t was you dream. Too much for you...And you are right!..
We don´t have to be supermoms, no such a thing, we´re women trying to do our best but also trying to be happy, and if something is going wrong is bcause we´re doing something wrong..We do all we can do in time and effort, when try beyond that you get frustrated.
Marriage isn´t killing yourself making everybody happy. Healthy and constructive marriages are based in friendship and unconditional love (for you and your husband), avoiding anything that will make you unhappy and enjoying what you´re doing, and obviously you are not right now. Think in your needs instead of everybody´s needs. Stop being a care-giver and try to reach your own happiness cause that´s the only way you can give happiness. Something isn´t working between you both, maybe it´s time to change and redefine concepts. What are you doing?....What makes you unhappy?...Work on that, change the rules!....Maybe just maybe you can re-energize your marriage. If you think you´re making, and trying, and giving more than your husband it´s time to do somehing for you to live a better life, if you think you deserve it, and I think you do!...

Answer 4

You should have known before now that he wasn't as neat as you are. You also should have known about his pouting, since you've surely had arguments before. I'm not sure what a "supermom" is, but it's usually not good to pat yourself on the back for doing what you're supposed to do. Neither is it wise to marry out of friendship, to make life easier for yourself. What all of this means is that both you and your husband went into this marriage for selfish reasons. With such a weak foundation, it can hardly last.

Answer 5

The first few years of marriage is difficult alone with just two people with very different personalities, querks, ideas, emotions, hormones etc. Let alone taking on a new life together combining in children, some with issues that takes patience and understanding, and the rest which all have different personalities and behaviors.

You are allowing yourself to become that frustrated nagging wife and no man can live with such a woman. The Bible speaks of this and warns couples that a man is better off without a nagging wife.

You need to get control of your emotions and aggressions and stop picking on him. Focus on your faults and learn how to better manage your household and your OCD issues which is not easy for him to deal with either.

Find a group in your area or start on yourself by adverstising a group that deals with OCD and Autism. Find a person or persons that is willing to help you hold and arrange these meetings for women and mothers.

Find a christian certified couselor that may head up such groups or is willing to help you in this goup.

You can't change someone who is passive aggresive. It all stems from his experience as he grew up in a home probably with turmoil. Someone that made him a victim.

You just focus now on what you can do to help you keep your cool and make life a bit more tolerable. Your going to need friends that suffer the same as you that you can help and can help you.
Your husband appears to be at loss and as frustrated as you are. He may feel as though he can't make you happy no matter how hard he tries. Men don't like to talk much about problems they have no control over and drains them mentally and physically.

Find someone that is willing to babysit your kids even if you have to split them up among sitters and family so you can take a date night once a week. This is a must to keep your marriage at hand and romance. You need to pour effort into your marriage and not all into cleaning house and kids.

After the kids have grown then you have each other and then what? You are bored with each other and have nothing to talk about. Keep a date night.

Also find this book that is and will be a blessing in your situation called "Get Out of That Pit" by Beth Moore.

This is a wonderful book full of help. Start there.
Get a schedule and stick to it.
Make kids go to bed at a certain time you and your hubby can have some peaceful quality time together without T.V.

Make a special dessert with coffee for a relaxing evening and do a daily devotional together before going to bed.

Get up before the kids do in the morning and do a devotional and learn to build up your spiritual life too. This is your root system that holds you and home in place when the wind blows.

And lastly..understand that this is not permanent. Make the best of it and get on a healthy eating program for the whole family. Make dinners lite and healthy for the week and freeze them so you can pull them out heat them up. And keep sugary desserts limited. Use whole grains and teas,raw nuts fruits, juices and snacks to keep blood sugars from dropping in you and kids and level. This helps with emotion swings as well.
Learn to enjoy life and not look at it as being a pain in the rear situation. Get the kids into a good church with sunday school programs that offer youth groups and activites outside the home. Leaves you time for other things.

You can do it ..put your energies into positive things that will work and never allow your emotions that come in waves to tear out those things your are building with God's help.

Answer 6

I don't know the answers to all of yoru questions, but I used to work at a rehab hospital for strokes, etc, and most of the clients were elderly. I cannot tell you how many times a wife would express her regrets to me about her life...the story I often heard was about how she always had to make sure her home was immaculate, which made her miss out on so much enjoyment--at the end of it all, you truly won't regret the dust that may have gone unswept under the beds, but you sure will wish you'd missed mroe time spent laughing with your family. A clean house is nice, but not when you get yourself to the point that you begin to resent your family for being there and messing up your clean rooms.

Answer 7

You explained the answer to this in the first sentence.You were friends and not in love...friendship love and the deep heart pounding love i feel for my wife of 21 years are two different things...my sex life is the best it has ever been...my love for her is stronger than ever...i trust her 100% and i don't see that ever changing...my point is...i loved the woman i married because my heart told me she was the one...what it appears you have done is have a marriage that suited both of you at the time but the reality of living together is not the same as what we dream for...you both appear to be at different ends of rainbow...you need to search your mind for the answers to this...do not...repeat...do not follow your heart...do you want to grow old with him...do you want to be coming on yahoo and asking advice for years to come...be realistic with yourself and think long and hard about what to do...good luck and take care

Answer 8

Even though you've both been on a few dates before you were married, you most likely didn't live under the same roof. Now that you live under the same roof, you have to get used to each other and each others' ways of doing things. Give it time and it should work out in the long run.

Answer 9

When you are "just friends" you can accept the little differences in each of you. When you are building a life that is not yours, not his, but something completely different there is a learning curve, if you will. Each of you has to decide what is really important to include in your combined life. You've heard the phrase "Don't sweat the small stuff", well here is where that comes in handy. Each of you has to decide what you are willing to give in on and what you NEED the other to give in on and discuss it openly. You need to really look at your committment to the relationship (as does he) and I believe that you will find that you have enough in common that the compromise is worth it for what you will achieve in a lasting and committed relationship. It will be a wonderful lesson for your children when they see you work through the differences and each of you gives in to please the other on those things that are really "the small stuff". Best Wishes

Answer 10

You need to realize that you now have two people with different ways of doing things. The most important thing is to remember that two are now one. Try this with him, for a week look at every situation from the others point of view. Also put this on your frig. We did it for our daughter and ourselves and it works.
THINK before speaking
T - is it true
H - is it helpful
I - is it inspiring
N- is is necessary
K- is it kind
If you both do this you will be surprised at the outcome of every situation.