Who comes first in a marriage your spouse or your kids?

Question

I was working in a nursing home and I told one of the residents I was engaged...He told me always put your husband FIRST in your life! protect and nurture your children, but always put your husband first. I ask him why? when a mother's natural reaction is to side with the kids most of the time. He said because Your husband came before them and "ideally" he'll come after them. When they're grown up and have moved on with their own lives.

I really had to think about this and he's right! or is he?

Answer 1

What CHOICE?
You are a FAMILY!

Ideally, I hope you will be able to create a family in which there is not going to have to be a "choice" between your husband & your kids.
You and your husband should be in sync and have common goals when it comes to raising your children. And also be able to constructively resolve problems with compromise and common sense.
Hopefully you are marrying a man who is your equal, and is mature enough not to fight with his own children...and undermine you as a mom.
Get to know him first.
Trust yourself and your spouse.
My husband and I want the same things for our kids...so there is no conflict.
However, is there does arise a problem, you must present a united front, and support his decision in front of the kids.
Talk to him later if you disagree...but do not undermine him.

Answer 2

It's not a competition, and there are no sides to be taken.

Really, it depends what the issue is, what the stakes are, how tired you are, and what you feel the outcome should be.

Sometimes, the children's issues are more important, but not forever - and any Dad worth his salt would know this and take the backseat for a while, especially in the early years, but keep special time aside for togetherness, it's vital.

At other times, it is crucial to pay attention to your husband's issues and focus right in when you are needed - drop everything and listen.

Your relationship is what it will all hang from - and nurturing a strong relationship is hard work but worth it. The children will realise they are witnessing something special and fade into the background when needs be.

It is a juggling act you will be forever trying to perfect... and you will get to middle age trying. The secret is to give everyone their space and privacy when they ask for it. Never pry. Always be open. Always be caring and sensitive to the needs of others. Try to put yourself last but always make them aware who is facilitating and enabling their lives. Make them understand you do a lot of work. Make them respect you without asking for it directly.

When they all need you at once... put it to them. Ask them to decide. If you train them to be generous they will demand you see to the others first!

And that's the magic word - generosity. Be as generous as you possibly can to your spouse. You will see it come right back to you if you have chosen well. Be generous to your children because they can only learn what it means from you.

Good luck

Answer 3

He's right in a way. You do need to put, not your husband but your relationship with your husband at least equal with your children.

You need to make time for the two of you after the kids come or you two could start growing a part. My hubby and I try to have a date night at least twice a month and on top of that we make time after the kids have gone to bed to simply be together.

But there is a thin line here. You can focus too much on the husband and neglect the children. That happened a lot with the older generations (such as who you are taking care of). I also worked in a nursing home and have seen how it is when the wife put her husband first ALL the time; the kids never come around.

Answer 4

Your friend is right. My Mom told me the same when I was a young bride.

After you are married and decide to have a family, your life is going to be very busy. Although at times you will feel stressed, exhausted, and stretched to the limit, try to make time for just you and your husband. Planning a night or two a month for dates, or short weekend get-aways will help you both keep the focus on each other, and keep the spark in your romance.

Once your children are grown and have families of their own, if you and your husband are able to maintain a healthy relationship with each other through the years, you will have the time of your lives when your nest if finally empty!

Plus, by respecting your husband and keeping him first in your life, he will do the same towards you. My husband has always treated me like a queen, because I treat him like a king. Our children are grown and gone, and we truly enjoy each other's company.

My Mom was right.

Answer 5

Realistically, they come pretty much together, they just have different demands on you. Of course the kids depend on you for pretty much everything, especially when they're younger, but the husband depends on you, and you depend on him for your emotional, and loving relationship, and support. Ideally neither can be put in second place, and ideally you need to make time for both. If you lose the husband, all of you are threatened, and if you lose the kids....who wants to even think about that? Never let your marital relationship be on hold. Have regular date nights, and such to keep it vital, and teach your kids the importance of you two having them. Make sure the kids are cared for, and grow up well. When they are grown, they will have a good example of a great marriage to emulate, and you and your husband will have the strong relationship intact to spend the rest of your lives with.

Answer 6

True as his statement may be, it doesn't make him right. Sure youll have your husband before and after your kids but I don't have to be a parent to want to put kids before a spouse.
You said this was in a nursing home? So this guy is probably kind of old, and no doubt has some very traditional beliefs.
One of those very old beliefs was that the husband was to be put first in the household. I dont agree with that because I feel kids need to be put first, especially in an already functioning environment.
Kids will need to be nurtured more than a husband "wants" but doesnt need attention from you.

Answer 7

STOP! They're both right. According to the Bible it should be God first, spouse, then children.
That is not saying that you should ignore your children and wait on your spouse hand and foot.
If your husband does something abusive toward your children, then by all means, your children come first! If you are ever in a relationship where you have to chose between your spouse and your children, I pray that you do not put your children aside.
Be there for them both! Equally if possible! Support your hubby and be there for him! Support your children and be there for them!
The best tip of all. You and Your husband need to present a united front to the children, so that they don't take advantage and create a lot of dissention between the two of you!
Good Luck!

Answer 8

Spouse first. It doesn't mean that you neglect or do not care for your children. You have to have a good relationship with your partner to raise your kids right. They see EVERYTHING. If you always put your kids first, where will your marriage be? Once the kids grow up, move out, and start their own journey, it's you and your spouse. My husband and I always have date nights once a week. It's great. It's our time to focus on each other and we make it a point not to discuss "kid stuff" while we are out. It's our time to connect again.

Answer 9

Work together with your husband to raise and nurture your kids; but, as a man, I will tell you that we are just big kids also and need time with just you. It could be a date night or a couple hours just talking over some coffee while the kids are outside.

Answer 10

You should not have to choose - if you do there may be something amiss in your relationship with your husband. The whole point of being married is that you naturally work together as one (as a team!)
But, having said that, I agree with the resident who gave you the advice.
After 39 years of marriage our three boys have, understandably fled the nest but all remain close friends (As do their wives and our three grandchildren)
My wife and I have never wavered as a good and loving team - and never will - till death do us part.