When is it okay to cut someone out of a childs life?

Question

I'll try to make this short. When I was 17 I got pregnant. My bf dumped me. My future husband was a friend of mine and was there for me and my daughter. We got married and were together until she was 9...that's when he cheated on me. In our years together her real dad took her every other weekend and his family has been good to her. My husband was not the best person in the world by any means... temper issues and other things.
When I left him he was still seeing my daughter... he in her eyes was dad because he did things with her... was interested in her... her real dad plays video games and doesn't do much else... shows no real interest.
After we got divorced my X took her to a party and was playing shot games with her (she had kool-aid). I was really mad... in my book you don't teach a kid how to play shot games at 9 years old.
When I tried to talk to him he called me every name in the book.. said I was just trying to push her out of his life... which is not the case.

He said he did nothing wrong, I was nuts. I said until he grew up he wouldn't be seeing her. Well he sends her presents and won't say anything to me. I feel like a bag... here my daughters hurting because of all this and I don't feel good about it... but I feel like I can't count on him to keep her safe. That's my number one priority is keeping her safe. I just want to do the best for her. She has two crap dads and that's my fault because I picked them.
What would you do?

This issue is about her Step dad, not her real dad. I know he has no legal rights but this is about my daughter... not the law.

Answer 1

This should be a no brainer. What is your instincts telling you to do? If he is good with your daughter and his temper is not an issue when it comes to her, then talk to him about what is considered inappropriate when it come to YOUR child. If he is combative and not receptive to what you are telling him then you know he is not really interested in what is best for your child and you may need to make the decision to slowly reduce the time she spends with him until you can faze him out. If your daughter is really attached to him, then I would not just cut him out completely right away, it may do more harm then good for her emotionally. As for her real dad maybe he could step up and see her more so she doesn't feel like she is losing out. I know its hard, I have many single mom friends and I have great respect for all of you. Being a mom is a hard job for most but to do it on your own, well it takes great strength. Good luck with whatever you decide, as long as you have your daughter's best intrest at heart you will make the right decision.

Answer 2

Before you ever consider cutting someone out of a child's life, you need to think long and hard as to why you're doing it. I agree that your ex did a stupid thing; but he wasn't harming her in any way and the very fact that he's taking time to be with her shows there is love between the two of them. So if you're going to deprive her of a person who loves her, would protect her, and would be there for her for years to come; make sure you have a darn good reason.

But it doesn't sound like that's what you want to do. And, it may be that his angry reaction was an attempt to hide fear--the fear of losing his right to see your daughter. He probably already knew he messed up before you ever approached on it.

Try to explain that you appreciate him (if not that particular behaviour) as an important person in your daughter's life. Make him hear you... Then tell him to think twice the next time he has the urge to take her to a grown-up party and/or play shot games. Then think a third time; then go for a pizza or something instead!

Answer 3

Your ex-husband doesn't have any legal right to visitation but you need to consider what is in the best interest of your child. This man has been in her life since she was born. There is no easy answer to your question. There isn't an answer that is "right" or "wrong".

I suggest you get counseling for both you and daughter to help you deal with this difficult decision. All of your friends and family will have an opinion but a professional would be the most helpful to you.

Answer 4

When harm will come to the child if you do not.

There are people that really don't differentiate enough between adult and child activities. I would be angry if my husband/ex or any other trusted adult was getting drunk on shots around my kid. That is what every other weekend is for or babysitters.

I like to drink (not now,,,am nursing) or party on occasion but not with the kids, if I want to party with them I will bake a cake. If he calls you bad names in front of your daughter, not only is her verbally abusive to you, (your divorced and the magic of that is what he thinks doesn't matter anymore) but that is verbal and emotional violence in front of your little girl. Not healthy at all.

I would tell him what the rules are for seeing her and then make him stick to them, this is to include no name calling or yelling. If my ex ever started name calling or yelling I would hang up if we were on the phone (I would say that it was unacceptable and that I was hanging up, not to be rude) or drive away/walk away if we were around each other. He learned to get along on an unmarried level but I had to stick to the rules. We talked only about our daughter and when he had questions about me and what I was doing I would end the conversation or tell him that he needed to stick to our daughter as the topic.

Answer 5

You have a right to be mad. I would feel the same way. The last thing you want is to glorify drinking to you child. If it is in the best interest of the child then yes limit or supervise the visitation. Unless your ex adopted your daughter he has no legal rights to her. But I understand the fact that she views him as dad and that is hard. You have to stand up for your child cause who else will?

Answer 6

I think the more people in a child's life who love them, the better off they are. If you were married to him, you know whether or not she would be safe with him. The only time I would cut a person out of a child's life would be if they were a danger to the child either emotionally, physically, or sexually, or else they just didn't take care of my child, such as leaving them alone, etc. Only you can decide that, but don't let YOUR feelings toward someone keep your child from experiencing the love that person has to offer them.

Answer 7

He hasn't been acting like a mature "dad". I'd say he's got some major growing up to do before he could handle being a dad. I'd seek out someone else who's mature, responsible and would be a positive father figure to your daughter! She needs a man, not a boy in a old body!

Answer 8

Um, look this guy is not the kids father and I take it you aren't getting back together. It would be kind of odd to have your ex be getting visitation rights for a kid that's not his when your next man comes along. Not to mention this guy doesn't sound like he has her best interest at heart, if he wants to spend time with her you can let it happen, but make sure you are involved. He doesn't need unfettered time alone with her, and the longer it goes on the more chance it will hurt her in the long run.

Answer 9

Regardless of his past mistakes, this is his bio-daughter, and I do realize you are trying to protect her but you have no right to stop this child from seeing her own father! Now the guy that you married seeing her and spending time with her is way out of line, you are no longer with him so this is the relationship that should be terminated. And how do you know her real dad shows no real interest with her? are you with him 24-7? Unless he did something so awful that it jepordized your childs life or safety then back off! But I must give you credit where credit is due, Im happy to see that you are caring and worried for your daughters safety, now a days theirs to many moms who only care for themselves. Im gonna tell it to you as if you were one of my friends or family, so heres my advise- Explain to the Bio dad that you understand that your daughter and him need to spend time together but that you want him and yourself to attend parenting classes. Now the reason Im telling you to go to these parenting classes with your ex-is only to ensure that he goes, if you ask him to go by himself, he may get offended, but if you make it appear that you may benifet from a few pointers it will make your ex feel more at ease and he will go. These classes might just work for your ex, but dont forget the key and trick here is for you to go along. Good Luck!

Answer 10

Wow, it sounds a little complicated. In your case, since your daughter is attached to her step-dad and he is attached to her, I would think that cutting him out of her life would do more harm than good.

However, I see no reason why you cannot give him parameters regarding his visitation with her. For example, perhaps there are certain activities that should not be allowed i.e. attending "adult parties" during the time that they are together.