I asked my son to take out the garbage this morning and his response was "You don't pay me to..."

Question

What disrespect this child has. I couldn't believe he said that so when we got to his school I wouldn't give him his lunch bag and told him "You don't pay me". I don't know if I did the right thing but it's high time he learns a lesson - maybe once he goes hungry for lunch one day he'll learn the importance of a dollar, right?

My son hasn't lifted a finger in weeks and just doesn't care if he gets allowance from me. He goes to his dad's house he earns $20 a week to do nothing.

I am completely losing my patience. This child has no respect for me or my house and is trying to take over as the alpha male.... I can't continue being bossed around by an 11 year old.

I have little respect left for my child at this point and I know that's bad, but he treats me like garbage every day. I walk by him and cringe because I don't know what he's going to say or do.

Answer 1

Acting like your son's immature behavior is the wrong approach.

Your son is a kid, with much to learn, but you can't fall back on that excuse. You are a (hopefully) mature, educated, confident woman, and thus your behavior should reflect that.

You should do the following:

1. never talk to your son while you are angry, or let him see you angry. Kids like to push boundaries and test the waters, and if he sees his behavior get to you, he'll repeat and intensify it.

2. Make a pact with the father about exactly what the son gets paid, and what the expectations are for that. Chances are your ex feels guilty about not being there, and pays him out of guilt.

3. Your son is resentful at you because of the divorce. It's natural. You should consider talking about it with him directly, maybe even with your ex there, so that you present a united front, and that your son understands he is not to blame for the divorce, and that he knows you both still love him even though you have chosen to live apart.

4. You cannot and should not say you don't respect your child. HE'S 11 YEARS OLD! He is the product of YOU and YOUR ACTIONS. Don't like how he's turned out? Change YOUR actions.

You sound insecure and selfish to me, and you should probably see a therapist to get over those issues.

Your son needs to see his Mother as confident, strong and mature. He does need to know you're not perfect, but he should not, nor does he want to, see a Mom that behaves rashly, immaturely and is easily manipulated. That will make his lose all respect for you, and trust me, whether or not you have respect for him won't make one bit of difference here.

You created this mess - take responsibility for your actions and fix it.

added later-----------------------

OK, so I see 2 of you thumbs downed me. I'm not on here to make friends or win popularity contents. I just call it like I see it without a lot of candy coating. I assume that the question posters are being truthful and are at least halfway intelligent and sincere. I also assume they posted the question because they genuinely wanted alternate opinions about the situation and not just people to stroke their ego and not offer and actual solid advice.

I stand by my answer. I'm not being mean, just honest.

Answer 2

Kids Now a days learn from other kids who dont know how to respect! what you need to do is take the things he likes the best his video games, and make him do things around the house. it will show him how hard it is to earn a dollar for you! and just dont take the disrespect, you are his mother not his sister to talk to you like that. Give him no allowance for a month, and talk to his dad about not giving him some allowance im sure he will understand that his son is only a child and he is the adult! he also needs to show him how to respect.

Answer 3

I went through that. I gave my son twenty one dollar bills and told him to hold it. Every time he ate something or use the shower or watched TV or used the computer i would charge him... He got the message and started to help out around the house.

I would talk to his father also, because even if you are not with the father you guys need to work together at raising the child and just handing a child money for nothing does not make him appreciate anything.

Or maybe just talk to your son about the behavior may help also. Good luck. Parenthood is hard.

Answer 4

Okay Mom...time to go on strike. No more laundry done, no more meals made, no more rides to school (which by the way is the first one I would have taken away).

Leave instructions by the washing machine on how to wash his clothes, make yourself dinner but leave instructions for him on how to cook his and don't get out of bed in the morning (unless you have to go to work) to get his breakfast. Clean up only after yourself. If he watches alot of tv - unplug it. Restrict his computer use & make sure the computer is not in his bedroom. If it is now, then move it to a main room.

You may have a very messy house for awhile and it will be extremely quiet (as you will have to curl up with a good book since there won't be any tv). He'll be an major pain-in-the-*** and may run to his father but it's your house and your rules. Stand up for yourself. You are not a door mat. Demand respect (but you have to earn it too - so no screaming like a banshee - calm/cool/collected talking will irritate him more than the joy he gets from watching you lose it).

Good luck. The next week will be hell but it'll be worth it in the end.

Answer 5

He probably feels like you don't have enough authority. It seems like he gets away with alot when he's with his dad. He has to know that you demand respect. All actions in your home have consequences. Don't be afraid to discipline him because as a mother myself it's only going to get worse. If you still have a cordial friendly relationship with his father then sit down and talk to him. Come up with a course of action, chores that he has at your home are the same at his father's house and if he doesn't comply then he will lose a priviledge. Take away a toy. If that doesn't work take away another. Even if it takes him having an empty room. He will learn to give you respect.

Answer 6

Who is the parent here anyway? Give him a set of chores to do around the house and a set time for him to do his homework. Tell him things are going to change. If he asks "Why"---tell him, "Because I'm the mum, that's why."

He does NOTHING he wants to do unless his chores and homework are done. NO ALLOWANCE for him.

When he earns $20 from dad . . . he buys his own lunch. If he doesn't have money for lunch . . . don't make it for him . . . give him "lunch money" --- No more, no less.

As his behavior is modified . . . scale back on the rigidity. Don't withhold affection from him . . . but don't be gushing. Be CLEAR who is the parent. Get a bit of counseling for yourself on the side.

Answer 7

Tough love. First you quit giving him allowance. Then you take everything out of his room, except bed, pillow, and sheets. When he starts behaving he can earn each item back. I would inform his father of his behavior and ask him to do the same. This kid has got to learn respect or lose what's important to him. i.e. his stuff.

Answer 8

Well, you are required to feed him. So you should have probably let him take his lunch, but I don't think you did anything wrong really.
He's testing you right now. He's seeing how far he can push you and get away with it.
There are things you are required to provide him, but that is in actuality, a lot less then he thinks he needs. Take things away until he gets it.
Like my social worker friend used to say to her daughter, "Bedroom doors are a privilege, not a right."

Answer 9

I suggest that you send him to a place where he'll see that parents are important for him. For instance, send him to outdoor activities during summer time (scouts, camping, etc).
Also, talk to the father and make an arrangement with him. the purpose is to make him understand that $20 has to be earnt.

Answer 10

That kid needs a good slap in the face. No offense, but I bet you guys are not Hispanic. Things like that will NEVER happen with a Hispanic family because we don't play.