Is the opening paragraph of my new story too long-winded?

Question

I have been told before that I am often too descriptive, which over-complicates my work. I'd be grateful if you could read over the opening paragraph of my new story and tell me if this is the case here. As a bit of background it is set within the last couple of years- the narrator is also the protagonist, and without giving too much away I want an unsettling, brooding tone from the outset...so here goes:

'The woods stretched out in to the grim half-light of dawn like a living ocean, white mist collected in the troughs of the tree-top waves and seeping through the troglodyte world of the undergrowth with searching, icy fingers.

The most distant edge of the forested horizon was little more than a colourless outline, swallowed up by an advancing deluge that looked all the more hostile from the warm light of my room,'

Any thoughts welcome. Thank you very much.

Any typing errors are a result of my copying skills, rather than my writing ability- never did get used to a keyboard!

Answer 1

I think you have the foundation of a good, atmospheric opening; reminds me of the opening passage of John Le Carré's novel The Looking-Glass War. If you cut out a few adjectives and similes, you 'd have something more substantial - I have taken the liberty....

'The woods stretched out in to the grim dawn like a living ocean, white mist collected in the tree-tops and seeped through the undergrowth with searching, icy fingers.

The horizon was little more than a colourless outline, swallowed up by an advancing deluge that looked all the more hostile from the warm light of my room,'

....I think that's not half bad! Two moody, succinct sentences. You have the imagination and talent; you just need to edit and that takes practice. Remember to use broad brush strokes when you are painting a picture, and settle on one or two fine details to create a focus.

Answer 2

In the early dawn the trees looked like buoys drifting in a grey ocean and the distant edge of the forest was little more than an outline, misty white upon retreating black. From the warmth of my room it looked almost hostile. But then I had always loathed the Outside.

Answer 3

Too many metaphors. Is a description of the forest really that necessary? How does it add to your story? Are these really the words of the narrator?
You mention about the narrator/ protagonist but you don't say what effect the forest has on him/her. Because you have opened with a description of the forest, I'd expect it to play a central role in your story. If it doesn't, then edit it to a sentence or two.

Answer 4

It's hard to say without reading it in context of the entire story. I can't tell just from reading this part how much it contributes or doesn't contribute to the overall narrative and mood. I like your descriptive vocabulary, although I tripped over the word "troglodyte" a bit... it might give the impression that you just put that in there because it was a fancy word.

Answer 5

Yes.

Plus troglodyte strikes a sour note.

First sentence needs broken up - too long.

Plus, the description seems to clash with the location you are supposed to be viewing it from. Like you are describing it backwards from the POV.

I think it would be better to scrap a lot of the description and get to the action, especially as it still leaves me unable to visualize where the character is. The view would suggest a highrise.

Answer 6

No, it's not too long-winded to me.
Some grammar and spelling issues though. Isn't troglodyte a noun?
Also, if people consistently tell you that your writing seems long-winded, you may want to consider more individual sentences.
It does convey an unsettling and brooding tone. Good job.

Answer 7

If you can keep up the rest of the story with the same writing style, then it will be fine. But if you end up writing the story differently, then the opening will seem too complicated.

Answer 8

There are a lot of adjectives and similis, often in the same sentences. It seems a bit like you want to associate an adjective to every single noun, so yes it is a bit "wordy".

Good though :+)

Answer 9

As a reader the only thing I dislike, is the word, 'troglodyte' I am not stupid, but never heard of it, this puts me off! Else fine.

Answer 10

This is great! I could never write like that. I would definitely buy this book in a store. If you keep working on the story maybe it will become published. Great job :)