Why is it the closer we get again, he'll step back?

Question

CLOSE friends for 3 yrs and he's secretly liked me but he never went for it b/c he thought the chances of being w. me were slim only to find out that after all this time, I felt the same way back - I was the first girl he fell in love with (both in our 20's and gave him his first kiss; no sex just kisses) BUT we decided to be friends and not to rush (i would be his first girlfriend and said he wanted somethinf more "real, long lasting" with me - "shy guy type") When things were getting normal, "life challenges" (death) and rumors/assumptions from friends made us drift apart (he pushed me away) and it created tension BUT rather than giving up or seeking revenge, we worked it out and everything is starting to be better than before, the relationship grew (this happened in a 9 month span)

Now i feel that he's changed, i don't know if it's pain he's felt when he lost his friend (or something else) and this is going to take years (or jut time in general) for him to be that normal guy i met. I know people change but it's not "growth" - he's different. He used to be this fun-loving guy and now he's so serious about things. He's not as open and vulnerable and would say certain things to put up a front and "seem" like he doesn't care (although i KNOW he does) i feel that we're starting over from the very beginning from when we first met. He was sooo unusually quiet with me and normal and outgoing with everyone else. He's closed up and seems to not care AS MUCH and has these defense mechanisms... Everything is okay with us agaiin but everytime we get close (in general) like before, he'll step back - WHY? What do i do? Do i leave him alone completely so he'll know that he can't take people for granted? Or just swallow my pride and work hard for it? Do shy guys close up when they experience tragedy?

Answer 1

The problem I feel is that he is a guy that has trouble handling intimacy. He doesnt feel confident when he has to deal with deep emotions. He steps back because its hard for him when it brings up more intense feelings. I dont think its just tragedy its just him and being upfront with his feelings. I think you should bring it up but dont push him beyond what he can handle but understand its one step at time with this guy.

Answer 2

You need to stand back from this guy. He needs space. He probably needs to breathe. He may not just be that into you. It sounds like you are trying to rescue him. You may need to start concentrating on your life more. The spolight should be on you, not on someone else It sounds like you have and are still putting a lot of 'energy' into a guy who just needs time to work through his loss. Try and think about what your needs are and what you want in life. Take care x

Answer 3

your point of view is good and appropreate like you said , you leave him and let him realise that he is taking you for granted, please note that no one can die for others so if his friend is dead and he is not normal even after 9 months then there is some thing abnormal with him, you leave him and tell him that you are not getting comforts from him and you dont want want to reiun your life coz his one of the friend is dead and he dont want to proceed in life with others, so think and take the decision at the earliest to avoid complication.
I never give such a long suggestion to any one in my life like this.........

Answer 4

This is a man who is resistent to commitment. Even if he eventually marries you, you'll be dealing with this your whole life. My advice is to move on.

Answer 5

You're both way to into the "drama" to make anything work out of the deal. You should let it go.

And you're a "TOP CONTRIBUTOR" ?????????
Yeeeesshhhh.................

Answer 6

Fear of commitment

Answer 7

i agree with terri j.

there is no hope for him. hes a loser.