I am going to be a father in about 7 months, it was unexpected and the women is so mad that I am not going to marry her, but I don't want to get married with her. I am going to be there for the baby, I just can't marry her just because she is pregnant.She thinks I am the worst person in the world for not doing it and I don't want to argue with her because she is going through a lot right now.Am I a bad person for not marrying her?
2007-10-08 18:00:38 · 17 answers · asked by Polar Bear 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
No you are not a bad person!!! At least your stepping up to the plate and being there for your child! Dont let the fact that she is bearing you a child, hold you down!!! She was a mistake, as you said, but you are a man and said you are going to be there for you child!
It wouldnt be healthy for your child if you married his/her mother just because you got her pregnant! Your kid would suffer because you and the mother would be miserable!!! You are not a bad person, if anything i would say you are smart, you steped up and said you will be there for your child, but dont want anything to do with the mother!!! if shes mad thats her problem!!!! She needs to get over it!!! good luck!!!
2007-10-08 18:28:44 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, you aren't a bad person for not wanting to marry this woman. Since neither of you chose to use birth control, you really have only a responsibility to the baby.
Of course, that is a big responsibility in itself as being a father is more than paying child support and showing up on alternate weekends. Good luck to all of you.
2007-10-08 18:10:26 · answer #2 · answered by drewxjacobs 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hey bro,
I had a long term fling with a chick once. Never graduated to anything besides sex - I wanted it to, but she kept on killing any opportunity. At some point this chick gets frustrated with her dead end job and calls me up and asks if I wanna move with her to Dallas (we live near Los Angeles)
*** "Move with you? We don't even get along!" ***
That was the honest truth, even though part of me said, oh yeah, go for it.
In summary, if you know better, there's no use lying to yourself or the woman on how things can work if they really can't. Kudos that you're stepping up to the plate. But it sounds like the woman will be a major pain in the *** if you don't marry her, so be ready to file some paperwork for custody when the baby is born and things might go smoother since your custody arrangement will be official, legal, and enforceable.
good luck man
2007-10-08 18:09:39 · answer #3 · answered by Shell Answer Man 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, I think you should be commended for wanting to take care of your child. It would be a mistake to get married for the "sake of a baby" if you don't love the mom. She will get over it in time and your child will have respect for you for owning up to your responsibilities, rather than everyone living in a dysfunctional home. I would be there for the birth if at all possible. You two could have a great relationship raising this child, that will be a bond no one will be able to ever take away from either parent. Maybe hearing that will help her get over this easier. I hope this helps.
2007-10-08 18:11:55 · answer #4 · answered by baseball momma 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Here's the thing - speaking entirely from my own experience - you can choose to not marry her now, but if you have intentions of staying with this woman and she wants you to marry her tell her that you want to marry her and that you want to marry her later so the event can be focused all about her, not how she's just marrying you so her family and friends accept her pregnancy. I think it's admirable that you have respect for what she is going through. Know that things will get "worse" in that her mood swings will intensify as the pregnancy progresses. I was in the same situation - boyfriend didn't want to marry me just b/c of the baby, which left me to feel like the relationship was instable and that coupled with financial problems, he spent a large amount of my pregnancy unemployeed and we were drowning before the baby was even born. Being emotional, pregnant, and having the natural instinct to protect my child at all costs I upped and left him and moved back to my parents home as I could be guaranteed enough food to eat there and they could help me financially so I wouldn't have to worry about not being able to afford the basic necessities for her. This was 2 months before my daughter was born. Although I knew he wanted to be an involved father since his dad wasn't, our strained relationship lead us to only talk on rare occasions. Ultimately I thought he didn't care about us anymore and I delivered my baby alone in the hospital. We are talking again now (not having the crazy pregnancy hormones anymore has given me huge clarity w/ how much of a mistake I made), and I know the fact that he wasn't there for her birth hurts him pretty bad. However, that period of 2 months has totally destroyed any chance of the relationship working, which means he will likely not see his daughter much as he lives in a different city now.
I guess what I am saying is if you value your relationship with her and want to be able to see your child as much as possible, work to stabilize your relationship together. She will do and say irrational crazy things if she feels insecure or that the relationship isn't stable - be her rock she can hold on to through it all. Just say exactly how you feel - avoidance here will not be beneficial to the relationship, it shows you don't care about her enough to address the issue - just be nice and try to make her feel a bit more special throughout the pregnancy - nothing can lower the esteem of a girl as much as gaining 35 lbs in only 9 months. You aren't a bad person for not marrying her - it's just all how you set up the relationship so that it doesn't crash and burn like mine did.
2007-10-08 18:32:23 · answer #5 · answered by babydoll32 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I say, you have to do what makes you happy; what soulfully feels right. If you know now that you aren't cut out for marriage material with this woman, then I say you are a step ahead of someone who gets caught up in obligation and the fuzzy-headedness of 'love' or like feelings. I think it is better that you figure this out now instead of 6 months or 2 years after your baby is born. I hope she realises, in the long run, that you are trying to do the best thing for the both of you, and in the best interest of your child.
a child doesn't have much if it has two miserable parents together; you'll be a much better role model to your child if you are both happier and apart. Hopefully, the mother of your baby will understand this at some point, and not make your life hell, or your baby's.
and, btw, congrats on having a little munchkin to love and adore!!
2007-10-08 18:13:05 · answer #6 · answered by blenderized 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I wouldn't say you're a bad person. But I think this is what defines the men from the boys. Men accept their situation and step up to the plate. It wasn't her alone who got herself pregnant. And the kid needs a father. Not just a weekend one, but a full-time one. Maybe you don't feel that in love with her, but you felt enough to have sex with her. In my opinion. I don't know how you feel about her. But if you feel even remotely like you could be a good spouse and make a go at it, I would suggest you do. But being married is not easy. Even with marrying someone you love.
2007-10-08 18:07:33 · answer #7 · answered by trapeze 5 · 3⤊ 1⤋
No you are doing the right thing... I married my first wife because she was expecting and it was a terrible decision... to this day I believe she got pregnant just so I would marry her... it is no good for a child to be in the middle of a marriage that isn't a good one.... sometimes it is harder to do the right thing and you are doing the right thing... Good Luck and explain to her you are not in love with her and are not going to expose your child to a loveless marriage.
to cfoster0.... you just contradicted every psych book ever written.... the worse thing for the child is to be in a household where there is no love.....and where have you been living for the last 30 plus years.... people that are not interested in getting married and also people that are not in love have sex every day...GET REAL
2007-10-08 18:11:03 · answer #8 · answered by DavidV 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
The sad thing is that your son or daughter will not have two parents who are legally 'married'. What kind of example will you be setting to your child???
You were man enough to get her pregnant, but not man enough to marry her and to be her husband?? I think you are a cop out. What are you going to explain to your child, that you got their mother pregnant, but didn't want to marry her or not in love with her to marry her?? You just used her for sex and that's the plain truth, which is sad.
What is the reason for not marrying her, is what we need to know.
2007-10-08 18:10:05 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
No you are not bad for not marrying her. You were both wrong not to be more careful about birth control but don't compound the mistake by getting married. Your only responsibility is to be there for the baby.
2007-10-08 18:08:42 · answer #10 · answered by Patti C 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋