Giving son back to the father, what to do and prepare for.?

Question

After dealing with my son's continued lying, not doing homework, lazyness,you name it, its becoming glaringly obvious, he needs to go live with his dad.

I have had my son evaluated by professionals in "hopes' something was wrong with him, he tests fine.

He is polite and well liked by everyone, but you can't trust him, he will lie through his teeth for absolutely no reason.

His dad is a known pathological liar, and has lied many times to my son. No matter what I do for discipline, nothing works, so for the sake of my sanity, I am going to send him to his fathers.

I know I will pay child support and have figured it out to what it would be. I am thinking that we will do a 'temporary' order and try it for a year. If it works, I have no qualms with him staying there. His dad can't hold a job, isn't a stable person, but maybe a taste of the 'other side' of life will be a wakeup call?

No disciplining has worked to get his grades up nor fix the lying.

This is the 5th year and I'm exhausted. The dad really is no help in disciplining. I am the total disciplinarian. The son doesn't want to live with his dad.

I would like to know what things I should have in writing to protect my son and I. Is it wrong to do this as a temporary one year trial and if it works make it permanent that he lives with his dad?

Any advice would be great.

Thanks!

I should of explained things better when i wrote this, but I was and still am extremely frustratred.

My son is 13, has been with me the whole time. The last 5 yrs have been unbearable. He is lying to me, teachers, family, friends etc. This has been a nonstop thing. He will lie to be about his school work as I am pulling it up on the internet.

I was in 'hopes' that there was something wrong, because then it could be diagnosed and fixed. As it stands right now, the therapists all say he is a fine and normal adjusted boy. So does he lie to them???

My family wasn't supportive of this idea until recently either. My son has been given the world and maybe that is the problem. He mule shows with me, we aren't really hurting for money, I have a great job etc. Now he can't mule show due to his grades, his disciplines have ranged from grounding to manual labor (cleaning pens) to exercise- giving me 25 push ups for every lie.

I am not seeing this as a permanent solution but possibly for him to see that he really does have it good and to straighten up and realize how good he does have it.

THat is why I am wanting advice on how to write a contract that is dealing with all the possibilities etc.

If he miraculously does change and wants to come back, I want my ducks in a row to do so. I want something that protects him and I.

No his dad isn't the ideal parent and basically sucks at it, I agree, but family and friends are thinking it would be a good wakeup call for him.

I really like the military school and boarding school advice and have emailed that person requesting more info. If you all have any to offer, trust me, I'm listening. I am at my wits end and either need to do something that fixes this or at least changes behaviours somehow.

Thanks

Answer 1

First thing, prepare for him to want to come home sooner than you anticipate. Most kids this age are very much the narcissists and figure out quite quickly which side of the bread their butter is on.

I beat my head against the same wall when my son was this age. The good news is, they tend to come out of it around 15 or so and become people you'd actually want to sit down and have dinner with.

Understand that he's likely doing this for attention. (For lack of a better word.) I don't mean "look at me" type of attention, necessarily...but perhaps to draw Dad's attention to the the path of destruction he is leaving in his wake. He has security in you, and he knows this, and it sucks that you get to bear the brunt of his striving for his father's.

And I figured out this, it's not that my kids' dad ignored them...it was that they couldn't depend on them. I think as children mature, they start to figure out their parents' character. The fact that dad is undependable, unreliable, is very unsettling.

Face it, we all want Dad to be our rock. My husband continued the fine tradition began by my father when he walked my daughter (his step) down the aisle at her wedding this summer. He kissed her on the cheek and told her if she changed her mind, just squeeze his arm and they'd just keep on walking. The knowledge that Dad is going to BE THERE is very comforting.

My oldest daughter for the longest time thought if she treated her dad (my first husband) as though he were the wonderful, solid person she wanted him to be, he would want to DESERVE her devotion, and change. I ached for her as she realized this was not going to happen.

The dangerous thing for you is maintaining the balance as he learns this for himself. ((((((BIG FAT HUGS)))))) I'd recommend giving it a trial term of weeks rather than months...like a term at school.

Remember: raising teenagers is like trying to nail jello to a tree.

Answer 2

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this difficult time. I have no children so can give you no advice on what you ought to do. I started to read the answers to see what advice others would give you and one thing struck me and I got too wound up to read any further.

Someone said it is the mother's job to rear the children. Not so. Even I know that two parents are supposed to share the responsibility. I deplore our modern society where men have been relegated to being merely sperm banks and providing maintenance payments. There are so many single mothers now that it seems society has forgotten that men once played an active role in child-rearing, and now put the entire responsbility on the woman. However conscientious the woman is, however great a mother she is, it is too much to expect her to play the roles of both mother AND father.

I don't know what you ought to do but I feel for you and I will pray to God to give you guidance to make the right decision whatever it is, and that your son will come through this and be a better person in the end as others have testified above about their own experience.

Sorry this is no help to you, and for letting off steam here.
I will go and pray right now as this is all I can do for you.

Answer 3

Mulereiner, I'm not a mother but I was a troubled teen so I will give you my perspective! I wanted to get married at 15. My parents wouldn't have it. I lied about seeing my much older boyfriend and did all kinds of rotten things! I eventually went into a runaway shelter for 2 weeks. Big time wakeup call!! I thought that I was this bad*** chick until I saw kids with REAL problems! Like their parents were beating them and so on. I did move in with relatives several states away for 2 years. I eventally came back to Florida to marry my boyfriend.
3 years later I realize what my parents were talking about the whole time!! I got divorced and started anew. I took the long hard road but I made it and am now doing great!!! Maybe your son needs a kick in the butt like military school. Maybe you could have him volunteer at a troubled teens center so he can see how lucky he has got it!
Sending him to his father could result in one of two ways. Either he ends up like his dad or he realizes that he doesn't want to lead that type of life. Have you tried family counseling as well as individual?? I sure hope all of this work out for you!
Good Luck and God bless.

Answer 4

I can't really help much with this but I can certainly sympathize - we had this behavior cycle with my stepson ( after spending years trying to get custody of him) After several years and a lot of rows,police visits and counselors he eventually walked out and went to stay with his mother for a couple of weeks ( of his own accord). He was 18 at this time. The change in the house and the other kids was so amazing that we made it permanent. Being back with his mother didn't solve his problems -as she just let him get on with it and do as he wanted but it solved all the problems that the others were having with him and now that he's reached 24 and seems to have settled down, got it out of his system and finally grown a brain we actually look forward to him visiting.
I think you need to weigh up the effects that his behavior is having on the rest of the household and explore any options before making this very difficult decision.

Answer 5

Perhaps people shouldn't be so quick to judge. It's alright saying hang in there but you are not the ones dealing with it day in, day out. Perhaps the lady needs some constructive ideas and opinions as to how best to handle the situation. I'm the first to admit that I have no idea what would be the ideal solution although a boarding school type of environment might be a good idea as suggested by a previous poster. Could we perhaps have a bit more compassion and objectivity and less idealistic and judgmental posts? Obviously this is not an easy decision or one to be taken lightly but sometimes people reach the end of their tether....

Answer 6

Since you do hold your fiance in such high regard, I see no problem in using his last name. However, you could do what many people do (myself included) and give your son both last names, separated by a hyphen. My son was born before his father and I got engaged, let alone married, and we just gave him both of our last names, for the time being. Edit: I have to protest against what another poster said, about your last name not being permanent. A woman does not have to take her husband's last name, nor does a man have to keep his own last name after getting married. That's something that should be discussed between the two people involved. I have several friends who kept their own last names, for various reasons, after getting married. I plan on making my last name at least part of my name when I get married.

Answer 7

I went through some of what you describe with my son. I would not commit to a year. Maybe three to six months of living with chaos will wake your son up. You also need to involve a third party to make sure the child support is used for food. Boot camp would be my choice if I had to make the decision again. I am very close with my son now that he is 29yrs. old, and he is grateful for the smallest favors, but he says that I should have sent him to boot camp, and says he knows I did not because I was too tender hearted to send him away. I think you are brave, and just encourage you to not lock into anything for too long of a period of time. God bless you and your son.

Answer 8

Mulereiner, I'm your biggest fan in the horse section, but I think you're way off on this decision. Sorry, but I've just got to speak my mind on this and be frank! I understand you have thought this through, but I just want to let you know what jumps out at me about your question.

Would you actually sacrifice your son's only chance at getting a good upbringing for the sake of your sanity? I know you are frustrated with him and feel like you aren't making a difference, but you ARE making a huge difference. Would you really throw him at his father who has no sense of righteous living, to let him do as he pleases and learn to not care because NOBODY else cares?

Again, I'm sorry. But I feel like I know you just a little bit, through reading all of your answers, and I feel badly for you and your son. I know he just lost a step mom as well, and this lying thing could be an outward indication that he is having trouble accepting the way his life is turned out. Are you actually going to give him a "taste of the other side" when he is THIS YOUNG???? I would be a little more understanding if he were seventeen and just totally out of control. But he's just a little boy....little boys are like that, and their character is still being shaped. His character is being shaped by YOU....would you really want his character to turn out like his dad's, and you have to watch and continue being hurt and upset by your son's foolish decisions and actions? If he stays with you, he has some semblance of order to his life, even if he doesn't choose to respect you.

I would choose any other route than this, Mulereiner! I think you have the love and patience and stability that he needs right now. Nobody's perfect, we can't expect him to be either. Tell him how much his lying hurts you, tell him you have to take away all privileges until he shows you that you can trust his word. But don't toss him out. He's too young.

I'm praying for you, and hope you will do what's best for your SON. He has a lot of problems, but do you realize that most of them he is innocent of causing? Going through a parent's split, stepmom's death, and a lot of hard feelings swirling in the air is NOT easy....especially if you're just a kid. Give him a break...God doesn't let us down, don't let your son down. Please.

Answer 9

If you believe that the environment that made your son this way was being with his dad, then "NO" don't send him back there. There are plenty of other options. Like military school or boarding school. It is better to try to work that into your budget than sending him back to the problem starter.
Good Luck to you. Keep your sanity- you do love your son.

Answer 10

For one do you tell him your just going to ship him off to his dad each time something goes wrong?

Its not game being a parent but you have to love your children and tell them each day how much you love them and how proud of them and think they are wonderful and would give your life for them. They need to know and feel LOVE!!! Try not talking about his father in-front of him also.

Try loving you child and not putting him down if I was your child and knew you felt this way about me I would act out that what kids do.

I know what I'm talking about I'm a single mother of 2 and have been for 10 years now and love it and my x is not in our life's and never do talk about him or put him down and each day I tell my kids how much I love them and how proud i am of them and think they are wonderful and have not had one issue its all in the love.