Is my marriage worth saving?

Question

My husband and I got married back in February of this year. We dated for almost a year before that and have been friends for about 2 years now. Things were great until we got married. He used to be sweet and generous. He's always been a slob, but it's gotten completely out of control. He's mean to me, he's always putting me down and making me feel worthless. When I tell him how I feel, he tells me that I'm overreacting and he's not being mean to me. But it doesn't stop him from doing it again during that conversation. On top of all this, he likes to make promises to me that he has no intention of keeping. And when I mentioned that it bothered me, he told me that he makes them so I'll shut up. Another issue is that he's into things sexually that I'm not and he basically told me that sex is more important to him than me and he can't guarantee that he'll spend the rest of this life with me if I won't do what he likes. I guess I'm looking for some honest advice about what to do.

We've tried counseling, it didn't work because he doesn't seem to think that he's wrong at all. I can admit when I'm wrong, he can't.

I took a mini-vacation away from him over the weekend and it scares me to realize that I don't want to go back. My family is good to me, they don't put me down like he does.

Answer 1

This is a hopeless case, it will only get worse.

This thing about the sex life is something that you should have considered before you married, but irrespective of that your husband clearly thinks you are his doormat and there is no sign of any committment from him.

You need to give it up, it isn't going to work no matter how hard you try so you might aswell save yourself the bother.

Answer 2

Well, first you should ask yourself one question "are you ever happy?" If so then try and make it work although it sounds like you are trying and he's not. You could give him an ultimatum that if he doesn't straighten up that you are going to leave. Sometimes this works sometimes it makes the situation worse but if your not happy and he continues to be the way he is even after all the talking to him you have done and counseling you have gone through then it doesn't sound like to me the relationship is worth it. It does take two to make it work and if your trying and he's not then it's not a marriage. As far as my relationship with my husband he was mean to me before we got married and I had my flaws too, he never hit me or anything but he would say hurtful things and still does you will not find that perfect guy out there that knows how to keep it shut, much like a girl so decide what you want to do. But act on it though you don't want to go through this for years what about if you were to have children you would be subjecting them to this same type of behavior and that's never good. Some people think that when they marry, that they own that person. My husband use to do this and he's now quit that because he would quote the bible and I proved him wrong by quoting it back and translating what it meant. There should be love, honor, and commitment for both of you.

Answer 3

I am afraid that most people don't realise that the first year or so of marriage is hell on legs - you find out what each other are really like as the facades drop with the secure knowledge that you have married! You know, your husband sounds deeply insecure to me as if he is testing your love to the limit - I wonder if he can't quite believe he has you or can keep you. This is the time to put your foot down about the really important things - all the trivial stuff has to go. The being mean to you and putting you down must stop asap - the time to mention this is when you are actually getting on ok. Its difficult to be nice to someone who has been really hurtful and I was shocked at how many times I just had to get on with my marriage after some of the things that were said/done! I grew up in a hurry (and I was middleaged when I married). You must give him some serious guidelines about how he talks to you and also about blackmailing you (give him what he wants sexually or he will leave? Yeah - right - not on your nelly). The whole thing smacks of him feeling very defensive and unsure so I would give him his guidelines, tell him what will happen if he doesn't address these issues, but try and stick it out for as long as - after a few years, things do settle down and actually its worth it. If things don't change, obviously you will have to consider your options. You can't live with putdowns and blackmail. Thats silly. Good luck.

Answer 4

Most women that are verbally abused do not even realize it. This man sounds so selfish. Do you truly want to live the rest of your life with a guy who treats you like this? Or that your there only for his needs not your own? Marriage should be a partnership. Marriage is not based on sex its based on Love, and respect for each other. I truly understand what your going through. I would defiantly think things threw and if you know in your heart that this is not what you want for the rest of your life. Move out and move on. Here for you if you need to talk. Hope I helped a little. Take care.

Answer 5

People who are dating should assume that they are seeing their prospective spouse at their absolute best. After all, courtship, if nothing else, is a sell job. Partners are selling themselves to one another. Once the sale is made, a spouse might not feel they have to put forth any effort to please their partner because the deal has been done. The contract is signed, sealed and delivered.

Unfortunately, you are now seeing the real side of your husband...without all the window dressing. Behavior he had previously demonstrated to impress you during courtship is something he no longer deems necessary. He is engaging in emotional abuse through his manipulative, demeaning words/gestures in an attempt to control you and undermine your sense of self- worth. Without self-confidence, you might believe that no one else would be interested in you, and you would be made to feel that you had no choice but to stay with him. He's made it clear that he has no problem lying to you to get what he wants and will twist the facts to justify his bad behavior. The problem is that he's treating you like a possession, not a person. He obviously is not taking the marriage seriously if he has alluded to not spending the rest of his life with you and won't be open-minded to counseling. Without his participation in counseling, the situation is not likely to improve.

There is one phrase that stuck out in my mind... ..."he can't guarantee that he'll spend the rest of his life with you if you won't do what he likes." In some circles, that's called extortion. He wants you to believe that you don't have any choice left but to do his bidding, keep quiet, and be a "good wife." But ask yourself this...by his standard..."Is HE doing what YOU like?" It's time to reclaim your self-esteem. There IS more than one opinion in your marriage and yours counts too! If he won't validate your right to an opinion, then it's time to kick him and his backward, chauvenistic way of thinking to the curb.

Hire a good attorney and cut your losses. Get out while you can, before the damage is worse. Don't wait until the emotional abuse turns physical to make your move.

You deserve better...

Answer 6

You can't change anyone, you can only change yourself. I am sure your couselor said the same thing.

Sounds to me like you two married too quickly (one year is not nearly long enough, hell 3 or 4 years sometimes isn't either), and he is still a baby.

Although you shouldn't take advice from a bunch of strangers that obviously do not know the whole story, I can tell you from experience that this will never get better and the "meanness" will only get worse.

Anyone that uses threats and demeaning to get their own way needs help, and most don't think they are the ones to need it.

See a lawyer and forget this chapter in your life.

Good luck

Answer 7

He was on his best behavior to win you and now he doesn't feel he has to any more. He thought he would be married to a sex machine and so now he is trying to change you. consider this a lesson in life and get out now. The divorce may be hard on you emotionally but it will be just as hard later when he leaves for for another sex object further down the road. you can and will find someone better for you but you have to get rid of this jerk first.

Answer 8

ur sistion sounds sort of like my mom and dads. they fight alot. my dad had to work for 12 straight years with these people who were total hypa crits and were looking to get him fired. my mom sits all day on our 1 computer that has internet and dosent cook the food or clean the house. our house is a total mess. What u should do is go on vaca. for a mounth or two. visit friends and famiely. when u go back if things havent changed i would sit him down and talk to him. if he doesnt change, i dont know. im not married. divorce him or something. just remeber before u use my advise. im not married.

Answer 9

What did your therapist tell you about him?
I'd say from experience, he's a narcissists. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you I didn't have the strength to live with him. They believe they are always right and will justify (in their minds) their inappropriate behavior anyway anyhow possible. For me it was a long downward spiral leaving me wishing I was dead instead of being married to him. A friend fortunately pulled me from my grave and helped me see that the way I was living was unhealthy. I made the change.
All I can say is arm yourself with knowledge...these kind of people aren't as smart as they think they are...trust me!

www.drirene.com

Answer 10

I'm afraid a marriage is doomed when one partner has completely given up, no matter how you may try to save it. If he doesn't care than it's not going to work. You'd both have to work at it and since he's completely unwilling to try or even care... pick up the pieces of your broken heart and leave. You're too good to have to deal with a selfish uncaring man. Don't waste your life in a loveless marriage.