Besides marriage counseling, what else can I do?

Question

I have been married for five years now, but I am not in love with my wife. To be honest, I'm not sure that I ever was in love with her. I do care about her as a person, and I do love her like a friend.
I know I never should have married her in the first place, but I did. To make matters more complicated, we have a daughter together. I adore my daughter, and I am a devoted father. I am sickened at the thought of a divorce and the pain this would cause her.
On the other hand, I would like my daughter to see a loving relationship. I do believe my wife deserves a partner who loves her, and I do believe I deserve someone to love.
I want what is best for my daughter, and I am not sure what to do. I have been able to tolerate my current relationship because my daughter is a part of it. She is only four years old, and I want her to be happy. Should I stay in my relationship for my daughter, or will this only make things worse for everyone? Please help. Thanks.

Answer 1

What is your gut telling you?
How much worse on your daughter do you think it would be to see her parents in a loveless marriage for 5 more years before you realize you absolutely can't do it anymore and leave anyway? Then she's 9 when you divorce her mother and she has that many more memories of the 3 of you together...
That being said, I think you owe it to your daughter to try marriage counseling for awhile first. You might discover what's missing in the relationship and be able to remedy it without ending it.

Answer 2

If you really want to show your daughter what a loving relationship looks like, you need to pull yourself together and be the loving husband to your wife that you should be. It doesn't matter if you are not "in love", that comes and goes anyway. Marriages that stand the test of time are the ones that weather the dry patches and rough spots just as well as the good times. That's the example you want to set for your daughter, not just cut and run just because you don't feel that old flame anymore.

Bottom line: get over yourself, and be a man your daughter can look up to and your wife can depend on.

Answer 3

I feel for you, but I'm not sure I know what the answer is. I don't believe that staying in the relationship for your daughter is the best thing to do. If you don't love your wife, you will eventually end up straying and that will just cause unnecessary pain to everyone involved. But, a divorce will be painful as well.

I will tell you that if you honestly don't love her, and divorce is what you decide is best, do it now while your daughter is young. It gets soooo much harder as they get older. Trust me, I know this from experience. Children are resilient and she will be ok. Just do everything you can to make it as easy as possible for her.

I wish you the best of luck! I've been exactly where you are and I know how hard it is to decide what the best thing is.

Answer 4

Well if you are not happy and your spouse is not really happy sit down and talk. Person to person, face to face, heart to heart and find out how each other feel. Do not talk at one another talk to. If it is agreed that a divorce is the best thing it will be a good idea to do this while your daughter is young and that way a routine is placed and she will do fine. If this helps any now days you have to do a marriage counseling before the wedding. There are different types of love and for that over the years you will fall in and out of love with your spouse but at those time you will learn how strong the relationship is to with stand it. I hope everything works out.

Answer 5

Staying with someone for the sake of a child NEVER works. Your all living a lie and resentment will come. If you dont love your wife and dont feel that you can lover her...you should leave. Like you said your daughter, you and your wife ALL deserve to be in and surrounded by real love relationships. You can still be a great hands on dad from a separate household.

Answer 6

With dignity, tell your wife what you just told us. I was married 12 years, but for the past few, I've felt just as you do... I respect her and love her, but I'm certainly not IN LOVE with her. Each of you deserve a loving, caring, fulfilling relationship in this lifetime... it sounds like it's not a matter of getting back what you've never had, so prolonging the issues will only cause more heartache and discontent later.

Instead, follow this plan:

1. Put your ducks in a row financially and legally, understand your rights and responsibilities (a preliminary session with an attorney will cost between $50 and $500 for an hour and it's well worth it!) When you go, you should take with you basic facts and figures the attorney may ask you about, including the following: (a) any prenuptual agreements (b) recent tax returns (c) one sheet with the basic facts, such as your names, ages, the date and location of the marriage, etc.

2. Find a good time and location for the discussion. Make sure your daughter is not around or coming downstairs for a glass of water soon. No matter how you approach it, it's not going to be a fun hour for either of you. Also, the bedroom is NOT the place for this discussion, nor is a crowded restaurant or mall. There will be crying. Sorry.

3. When you talk to her, be sincere, compassionate, but resolute in that this is in your mind best for ALL of you. Show her this is not a spur of the moment thing, but rather something you're resolute in doing. If you're wishy-washy, it's going to be even more mixed feelings for her (and you).

4. Consider the impacts on your daughter. In our case, the 4 year old is fine with it, but my 7 year old elected to go talk to someone about her feelings after we told her. (A licensed and bonded therapist, in this case one who focuses on "play therapy".)

5. Always and in all ways, take the high road and focus both the discussion and your actions on your daughter. You'll be tempted to say and do things you'd regret later. Reread this paragraph at least a dozen times before you move past it! Got it? Go back and reread it again...

I started this process in June, moving out on July 1 of this year. We've negotiated a mediated settlement that is amicable and we're as good of friends now as we were 90 days before I moved out, probably better so now. Our kids are adjusting well to having two houses. I haven't regretted it for an instant and I see her already moving to that same state of mind without too much animosity or conflict.

It will be OK. This gives both you and her a chance at real love. There isn't much in this world more important than that. With 55% of marriages ending in divorce, your kids will adapt, understand, and bounce back, as will each of you. The first few months or a year will SUCK, but then you'll pass that stage and (hopefully) move on to each find true happiness, love, and the sort of relationship you'd want your daughter to have once she's grown up... (OK, in my case, I don't even want mine to date until she's 30, but that's another issue I'm working through as a dad.)

Good luck. God bless both of you. Never forget to stay focused on what's best for your little girl!

Answer 7

I do not always think divorce is the best answer, however, I also believe a child should not be the sole basis for keeping a marriage alive. I think staying in a marriage solely for the sake of the child can do more harm then good.
Does your wife feel the same way? Could you have a cival divorce? Get on with yourlives, seperately if need be. Do it while your lil girl is still young. Good luck!

Answer 8

So what you looking for is some support for you to leave your family? You repeatedly mentioned that everyone would suffer if you stay. So I guess you should leave!!! If it is the support that you need, you got it here. No need for your daughter to suffer.

My thoughts were very supportive of you until your last couple of lines.

In all honesty, a seperation or divorce odesn't have to be a nasty, ugly thing. It is all about two adults being mature about the situation.

However, it would make you a happy man to leave your wife not only broken hearted but also with the responsibility of a child top raise while you live your life comin and goin as you please. You have my blessings with your freedom.

Answer 9

Marriage is hard and sometimes we don't feel in love with our spouse...you have to work at it because you made a committment. Excitement doesn't just happen in marriage you have to put some effort into it. Do you two go out on dates? Do you laugh together? If not, what have you done to try to fix it? Have you tried counceling, date nights...anything at all?? Staying for your daughter is stupid, working on your marriage for your daughter is smart, because children learn how to handle love and relationships from thier parents and they can also sense when people are unhappy. Showing her you love her mother and are willing to work to have a happy marriage and family is very important. If you put a positive spin on it nad try your hardest and you and your wife are still unhappy then you can look at divorce as an option.
As for you questioning wether you've ever really loved her or not is telling me you're going through a very rough patch with her because people do not ask a person to marry them if they are not in love with them.

Answer 10

Kids are not stupid. She'll recognize that you and your wife do not have a 'normal' loving relationship. I think it's not healthy for anyone when you stay together only for the kids. In time, it will probably deteriorate and not be as nice as it is now. Yes, she'll probably be upset at first but if you handle it correctly, she can be very happy with the two of you not married. Hopefully, you'll be able to maintain a friendship with your wife after divorce. How you treat each other will make all the difference in the world on how happy your daughter will be.