Continuing my quest for gainful employment I have secured a job as a mall santa,problem is...?

Question

I have to gain 90 pounds by Thanksgiving, I look bad in red and Elves give me the creeps. The upside is; I get to drink on the job and my beard will finally become fashionable. What should I do?

good point Yid, never considered that angle..oh sheit now were both in trouble..dam u...

Answer 1

Be Santa, Man! You can eat whatever you want - and a lot of it - to gain that weight, you won't be able to see a lot of you behind the beard, so who cares if you do or do not look good in red, and as far as the elves are concerned, drink the creepiness away!!!

Answer 2

Well, do you LIKE drinking on the job? If so, then you might be able to survive the screaming kids. Plus, some of the mall elves are those sexy one's you see on television. I actually had to tear my youngest son AWAY from an ELF just to get him to go to SANTA!! It just depends on the day and who's working, hopefully it won't be the day the crack whore's need work too.
As far as gaining 90 lbs., just go to weight watchers or Jenny Craig and do pretty much the opposite of what they tell you there. Sit around, eat, watch television, drink beer, and if it's to your liking, smoke a little of the "green stuff" if you know what I mean, that'll help with the munchies.
But, if all else fails, there are "artificial" means of looking like you had gained the necessary weight. You can either go with external means, like a pillow or a custom made prosthetic, like they have for women after they have had mastectomies. Or you can go with an implant. But I wouldn't recommend that unless you are 100% positive this would be the career choice for you.
I hope this has helped you in your employment choice.

Answer 3

Sounds good to me .... having a job during the holidays is a super plus.

With regards to the not looking good in red ....try a foundation that has some pink undertones and apply that to your hands, face and neck. As for the elves soak your pants in Polar Bear Urine ..... trust me the Elves will give you a wide berth ...... They know when the Alpha Male is in the room.


You may also be able to score extra side cash if you tell the kids for a donation their requests can be upgraded to the priority list.

Answer 4

Nobody looks bad in red.


**making you my special gooey butter cake and a hot buttered rum to wash it down** Let get started. There's a great Chinese buffet down the road from me, we can hit that first, and little people often frequent it because of it's unusually low counters, so we can help you get over your fear of elves at the same time...I'll just watch, I'm in no condition to be auditioning for the role of Mrs. Claus, so I'll stick to my white rice and veggies...Next up--the Fondue Factory---hey, if your gonna do this, do it right. I was gonna add something else, but I don't wanna get suspended today...

Answer 5

drinking on the job is a big plus. also, you can steal from the store very easily just put the goods in your suit. who's gonna suspect santa?

Answer 6

hmm just tell the elves to stay away from you.. and well as for gaining weight.. lucky you, you better go out to krispy cream and eat all your heart desires

Answer 7

Eat, Poppa, Eat! Whoever heard of a skinny Santa?!?!?

Answer 8

Can you pass out beer instead of candy canes? I will sit on your lap for a beer. I didn't get this name for nothing ya know!

Answer 9

dont gain 90 lbs! tahts so unhealty for you! oh wow. anyway, jsut liek stuff a pillow in you or something. it will work..

Answer 10

I say go for it...think of it as getting 1200 free lap dances a day



I'm joking folks, but report me if it makes you feel better