How should I react when my 15 year old daughter gets bad grades?

Question

My 15 year old daughter just came to live with me. She lived with her father from age 10 to 15. He sent her to me so she could get more help with her schoolwork and attention in general. He works late and does not help her much with her school work.

I live in another state and she does not like living with me or the school that she is going to. She was throwing tantrums in the evening because of this and then saying she was going to "fail."

She did very poorly on a book report that she had to do and on Chemistry quizzes/ labs.

I don't know how much I should be helping her. I try to quiz her and review her reports. I don't want to rewrite them though.

I feel responsible for not living up to her or my ex-husband's expectations because I am not helping her to achieve A's and B's in school. She was not gettting good grades at her other school.

How should I handle her bad grades in this school? The grades should teach her about her tantrums and stop them.

Answer 1

She's got so much on her emotional plate right now that grades are the least of it. Her father has essentially said, "I don't have time for you, even though you've lived with me for a 1/3 of your life," so she's working through some pretty intense rejection issues right now, plus having moved to a new school and having to get used to new living arrangements, as well as leaving all her friends (at this age, friends are more important than air!)

1. Make sure your expectations are realistic. Some kids just aren't MEANT to make A's and B's. Some kids ARE "average". Have a meeting with her school counselor, review previous aptitude tests, and see where she falls on the curve.

2. YOU are not responsible for her grades. SHE is. Stop feeling guilty.

3. At 15, she should not get be getting much help from parents on homework, anyway. She should be well on her way towards taking care of this stuff on her own and taking responsibility for her own work. Parents can help structure time, etc., and make sure that a child has all they need in order to do the work -- but "help with homework" should NOT be an every night occurrance.

3. Make sure she is taking advantage of after-school help sessions with teachers. Our school has an after-school help period where kids can visit teachers and get assistance on homework, upcoming projects, go over things they didn't understand in class, etc. Most teachers would be delighted to help your daughter -- but she has to ask.

4. If she really is struggling with a topic, consider hiring a tutor for her. SInce she has changed schools, she may very well be deficient in some areas. A tutor does two things -- takes YOU out of the loop and removes you as a source of stress, and puts the responsbility for the work back on HER. You want to be her mom, her best cheerleader -- not yet another source of stress.

5. Tantrums are unacceptable about ANYTHING, but girls and hormones . . . *sigh*. Make it clear that you are willing to discuss anything in a calm fashion, but tantrums are cause for loss of privileges (i.e., cell phone, Facebook, etc.)

6. Once you have a reasonable idea of expectations, sit down with her and come up with an agreement: As long as she makes "C"s or better, then she will be able to enjoy reasonable freedoms. Once grades fall below an agreed level (again, make sure they are realistic), then you need to help her structure her time more until she brings them in line. Structuring her time: Setting aside a certain amount of time each evening and WEEKEND to do schoolwork -- no TV or phone, no non-academic internet use.

7. Try and determine if she knows what she wants to do after graduation. Does she WANT to go to college? If so, look up the admissions criteria for the colleges she is interested in -- point out the grades that the middle 50% of admitted students have, and see if they match her efforts. It is NOT too late -- most schools will be understanding of increased effort and improvement, especially with family issues mixed in.

8. Consider enrolling her in a smaller, private school that can give her more individual attention.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Honestly, if I had a kid and they got pregnant at your age, I would make them get an abortion and I would never trust them again. No more parties, sleepovers, plans of any kind, life focused around school, locked doors and windows at night. The fact that you did that shows that you are in no way responsible and you obviously need to learn a lot before you're ready to teach a child how the world works. I'm very sorry, but it's the truth. I sincerely hope you'll change your mind about keeping the baby, because think about the kind of child you would raise. You barely know a thing about the world yourself, yet you're going to teach an impressionable young mind everything it needs to know? How do you expect to support the kid without "mooching off your parents"? What about the father? Does he know? Is he ready for this responsibility? Studies have shown kids do better in families with one father and one mother. Think about the welfare of the life you're planning on bringing into this world, and whether it's a life that this kid is going to want. At the very least, consider adoption. My mom had 3 kids before she had me and she gave away every one of them, and they're at least living pretty normal lives. So, basically, you can't regain their trust again, for a long, long time. I would tell you that you need to straighten up, that I'm deeply dissapointed in you, that you've broken my heart and that there is no way in hell you are ever going to keep that baby. I would rather die then see my darling daughter dragged down even lower. I would take away anything that might allow it to happen again, including social events and the privilage of being able to leave the house. Because how can I trust you not to do it again? You obviously have enough social skills already, so I'd feel no guilt. Only hope.

Answer 3

Don't yell at her, yet. Talk firmly with her that she can't keep getting bad grades or there will be consequences and that includes her future and when reviewing her reports, mark what mistakes she made, and let her figure out the rest for herself. Try asking her if something is bothering her and make sure she knows she can talk to you about it because until her personal problems are resolved, she won't be able to concentrate in school. If all else fails and she throws another tantrum,you're going to have to yell. She might cry and all that but, trust me, it works. It sure worked for me after I got yelled at. And, don't feel bad about not living up to your ex's expecations. You are doing what you can by helping her and quizzing her which is something my parents have never done.

Answer 4

She's 15, she's in 10th grade right? Chemistry is a hard subject to do so maybe she needs help on that point. but its not like she's a baby. She's not in middle school anymore where people hold her hand and tell her she must do that and call the parents. I think maybe she's having trouble with those classes just get her switched to a lower level of chemistry. Theirs no reason for her to do badly on a book report since all you do is read the book and summarize it. that you should have a talk with her. if she has any activities right now cut them, Since she's 15 I'm assuming She'll be driving soon so don't let her get her permit or license. Ground her. In order for her to get A's and B's she has to do some of the work herself.

Answer 5

Her school should provide a list of other children who would tutor your daughter or even teachers that would help. Take away her privileges if she is not holding up her end. A 15 year old throwing tantrums? She needs some ground rules on what is expected of her and how she should act.Don't give in!

Answer 6

Seems like she isn't adjusting very well to the situation at all, even when she was with her father.
First, you need some kind of help with her attitude seems like. You can get that through the Department of Social Services/Dept of Jobs and Family Services. They do more than supply Medicaid and food stamps, they help when you need help with other things like this too. Get in touch with her teachers, with your daughter by your side, have a conference with each teacher and see what is going on, what needs to be done, accomplished in each class or what she isn't doing in each class, get a list of work she needs to finish up and set up an after school tutorial class so she can get all her work done. You will avoid all the tantrums she is giving you at that point and make sure she is in some kind of counseling sessions to help with the anger she is feeling or going through. I pray God Blesses you during this trying time in your family.

Answer 7

Your daughter is acting like a 2 year old, trying to get her way. Explain to her that your are there to help her, when she wants your help. She is upset about being taken away from her friends. Tell her that it hurts you to see her hurting, but that she is only hurting herself by failing in school.
I lost my job this summer, and had to move my 15 and 16 year old out of state. My 16 year old was very excepting of this, but my 15 year old was very angry, and told me the same thing your daughter told you. I told him that as long as he failed school, he could not talk to his friends back home on the computer, or by phone, but as long as he keeps his grades up, he'll be able to talk to them on the computer, go home at Christmas and in the summer (If I can afford it, and help saves the money to help pay for the trip).
Also, most schools having psychologist, or some kind of counselor that they can talk to.
I put a password on the computer, so my son can only get on it, when his chores and homework are done. He understands that D's and F's on the report will get the computer taken away for 9 weeks, and he won't get to go home for Christmas.
I have also explained, that as his parent, it is my job to make the best decision I can for him and his brother, and I am sorry he is unhappy with those decisions, but in just a few short years, he will be 18 and old enough to move out, live where he wants and be responisible for himself, and make decisions regarding his life. Until then I am the parent and I get to make the decisions and rules. If possible, I try to let them have choices and help make important decisions. Unfortunately, our move to Texas, was one that had to be made without input form the kids....it was a matter of a job.

Answer 8

At 15 she's old enough to be responsible for her own grades. I would schedule parent teacher conferences to see if the teachers can suggest what the problem is. I personally will ground my son, he's 14, from the phone or whatever he likes to do until he pulls his grades up. This usually works pretty well with him. You can't feel bad about this, her grades at this point are her responsibility.

Answer 9

I wouldnt punish her if she fails in some subjects, maybe if she throws tantrums. When she does fail a subject just tell her that if she wants to end up with a dead end job when shes older keep carrying on the way she is and if she doesnt want that then tell her you are always there to help her achieve the good grades if she wants you to.

Answer 10

I don't think it's at all fair to blame the child for failing grades. Have you ever thought about whether she's already trying her hardest and everything's just too much and too hard to handle? Or her teacher's teaching doesn't conform to her learning style? I know, I went to school. I work hard, but sometimes life's just too much at times. School isn't what it's used to be. Better were the days when they just asked you what 4+7 is. Nowadays, fourth graders are being taught middle-school material, kindergarteners actually have homework, and first grade material is being taught in preschool! Ridiculous.

I understand. I failed chemistry, and it was the only class I ever had an F in. Chemistry is a very hard class, and you should already be proud she made it into chemistry. But if she's not getting what's being taught, spending hours studying or doing your quizzes aren't going to help. And even school-tutoring might not help because their tutors have to attend to many people and you just do homework in tutoring which can be different than what's being taught in class or on tests and quizzes. Not to say it's the same for me as anyone else, but after school tutoring or doing it with the teacher may help.

Two year olds throw tantrums. Her "tantrums" are just her way of venting her frustrations. Good sign of it is, she knows her weaknesses. I don't think you should help her at all unless she requests to be helped. And only then should you explain, rephrase, and clarify to the best of your ability(don't confuse further if you don't know it yourself). Not to do it for her, not to quiz her. Offer whatever help you can, and offer the options of extra help and tutoring. But if she doesn't like it, she probably isn't going to benefit much from it.

If she can't help failing, punishing her for bad grades isn't going to make things suddenly better. Unless, of course, she's out all the time with her friends and not getting anything done, then she might benefit from staying in. If she's already trying her hardest, then there would be no "reason" why she's still failing(it gets hard, be understanding) and you should praise and be proud of her not what a piece of paper says about her in grades, but as a person and all her fine qualities and traits.

There's really not much you can do. She's the student, not you. The only reasonable option is to let her know help is available and if she doesn't care, then you'd have to make her care without invading her space. Don't push her beyond her ability, that creates more pressure and stress than she already is in. Because normally, a person who doesn't care at all wouldn't pass all those math classes and get to Chemistry at 15. Chemistry is usually for 16 and 17 year olds Juniors and Seniors.

In my experience, counselors are usually useless. They're always too busy to make time for anyone, they always have to nag you about your grades. They rub it in that you're going to fail and aren't getting into college. As if you don't know already...

She's only 15. If she's trying her hardest and still failing, then there's still alot of other chances. She could give up electives to rettake a class, repeat it in the regular year, or go to summer school and still make all the classes before graduating. Be supportive of her ability, fine traits, and through times of emotional adversity(the divorce, the relocation).

And understand that each child is different in his/her own ability. Forcing it on them to do better than what their limitation isn't doing help. As for college, know that in this time and age of a competitive world, the majority of students don't get into a good university, at least not the first time. Even some kids with a 4.0 or higher don't get into the school of their choice. Now is that setting the bar way too high or what? There's always second chances...