I'm beginning to resent my husband. I don't know what to do. I've tried to talk to him but he gets defensive.

Question

My husband has a problem with constant nagging and always blaming his issues and screwups on me. Somehow it's always my fault. Now, he works at a hospital and just called me and told he'd just called my father about some money he owed him and my dad told him my grandmother, who is 96 and who lives with my dad, woke up shaking and the ER was at their house now. I didn't say anything for moment because it took my surprise. My grandmother was kind of cold while I was growing up, but in her later years she has been kinder and I have developed a closeness to her, although I don't see her often. So, anyways, he's like "What's wrong with you!?" Like i'm giving him attitude because i'm pretty speechless over what he just said. Now, mind you, things have been pretty tense the last couple days because I'm just sick of him overreacting to everything, blaming me for whatever is wrong and just being a downer. But, I felt like this was totally self-centered and insensitive for him to say that.

We have a 20month old daughter. We've been together for five years, married for four months and I keep asking myself if getting married was a mistake. I think we did it for my daughter's sake. I do love him and wish he would just be a little less pessimistic and so quick to blow up.

Answer 1

Sweetheart there is a root issue here. A lot of people have given you great advice. However, it's useless without the root being exposed. He's highstrung for a reason. He's over reacting for a reason. There's an issue that he needs to talk out with you. He is resenting YOU for something and you guys have not talked about it. So he's gonna blow up about dumb stuff like socks on the floor or the ice tray is empty. Sit him down alone and if he yells he yells, be prepared and just allow him to vent EVERYTHING. Don't interrupt him, and don't get defensive. Just hear him out. If you need time to process the things he says then take it. But Don't let too much time go by without resolving the conversation.

Let him vent
Listen Attentively
Don't Get Defensive
Understand that he's pouring out his heart no matter how harsh it may sound. He's going to take advantage of this time to tell you how to love him better. Please pay attention to him. Once he has it all out and you've discussed his side...then you voice your opinion of what's been happening to you lately as a result of how he's been treating you. Forgive each other and move forward. God's Speed to you.

Answer 2

Force yourself to find a new place to hang your hats. Mistrust is a big one and not believing one word he says comes fast. I married a guy like that and just before our 10th anniversary I was gone. Life was as dull as dull could be with a man I didn't trust. Even if he said it was a sunny day I would look to be sure. It was awful being with him. I took a few weeks settling into my new place. It wasn't easy but it started to feel good once it started looking like a girly girls place. I loved it. I went out and I did things. I met people and my life began to open like a flower. I was having a blast. Three years of wild life I met a man who threw my hormones into overdrive. Five years after meeting him I married him. I knew him well by the time I said I do and I would do it the same way again. Still married, still independant too and I live my life the way I want to with the right man. Trust , love , freedom and commitment are an every day function of my life. It was the best thing I ever did to leave my ex. I would never do it that way again.

Answer 3

A lot of things can be attributed to the actions you describe... if you can't communicate with each other, then you need a mediator - clergyperson, counselor, shrink - whatever. Marriage is never easy, but throwing it away without giving it a chance isn't the answer either. You mention that things are tense around the house right now - have you considered that he has a stresful job and is probably taking it out on you ... it doesn't make it right, but for a time, make life at home as easy as possible for him. Try to ignore the rantings and provide a comfortable home. then, when he's not a stressed, and it is quiet time together, tell him that you need to talk with him about some things you are feeling and you need his help to sort through them. Explain that you aren't attacking him but rather trying to understand.

I know it is corney, but in the right setting, the old when you ____ I feel ____ because ____ statements can be helpful!

Good luck and just be honest with him but timing is everything.

Answer 4

You need marriage counseling.

Find a counselor who is a man. There is nothing quite like the two of you sitting down with him --- you voicing your complaints, your husband voicing his, and when the time comes your husband will be told by another man, in a way that he can understand, how he's been hurting you. It's about the only thing that seems to turn the light on for a man, and then he finally begins to understand.

Don't wait until it's too late for you to care anymore.

Answer 5

Before you throw in the towel, I think it would be worthwhile for you to try a new tactic. Rather than confronting or talking about his blaming of you, try becoming quickly and assertively sympathetic. Always using a sincere tone of voice, immediately give him sympathy when he starts to tell you something bad. Ask him questions about whatever he's complaining about until you're sure you understand how he feels. Then, state back to him how you think he felt to be sure you understood him correctly.

See, sometimes people like him move into blame mode, not because he's angry at you at first. No, at first he's telling you something that's bothering him, and when he begins to perceive that you're not listening, not empathizing, and not sympathizing, then he becomes angry because the thought has time to enter his head that either you don't care how he feels, or, even worse, that you think he's wrong for feeling how he feels.

And that's why I made the recommendation I made. If you begin immediately to show interest and concern with what he tells you, if you give him sympathy, and then later demonstrate that you understand him, you will completely head off that moment of him thinking you don't care or that he's wrong, thus totally preventing him from getting angry at you or blaming you.

This is not a difficult communication skill to teach yourself, and it gets easier as you practice it. If you really try this, I think you'll be very pleasantly surprised by how much your relationship improves.

Answer 6

It sounds totally self centered and insensitive to me also but to a person of his type it does not. Isn't it all about him really? Bad sarcasm I am sure but I am going through similar circumstances, sort of, anyhow I know that we can all be selfish but it appears to me that some people are truly self centered, it is hard for them to think of others so they don't realize/care how others feel really, they would prefer to not know actually, just agreeing with them seems to be the only way to make that type calm down but don't fake it by any means. Oops, I digress. Mine gets defensive too and I have no idea how to make this work, he says that I should just be happy all the time, even when he is not (and is bitching) apparently.

Answer 7

OK LOOK DARLING-JUST AS A REMINDER YOU ARE MARRIED 4 MONTHS UP TO A YEAR YOU CAN ANNUL YOUR MARRIAGE-NO NEED FOR DIVORCE.

ANYWAY I HAVE JUST READ THE ADVICE SOME PEOPLE HERE HAVE GIVEN YOU AND YOU HAVE TO SIMPLY UNDERSTAND THAT NO ONE HERE CAN ADVISE YOU ON YOU MARRIAGE BECAUSE THEY DO NOT KNOW THE CIRCUMSTANCES OR THE FACTS SO I WILL JUST GIVE YOU AN ADVICE ON PEOPLE'S ADVISE WHEN IT GETS TO THE POINT THAT YOU HAVE TO CHANGE(AS SOMEONE HERE HAS SUGGESTED FOR YOU TO DO) FOR SOMEONE ELSE ONLY TO PREVENT HIS RESENTFULNESS AND BEHAVIOR TOWARDS YOU SO YOU CAN FEEL BETTER THEN IT BECOMES WORRYING. DO NOT DO IT!!!! YOU ONLY HAVE TO CHANGE IF YOU ARE WRONG AND YOU ARE NOT. SAME HAS HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE AND PEOPLE USED TO TELL ME'U R MORE INTELLIGENT THAN HIM SO YOU CHANGE AND MAKE THE FIRST STEP AND THEN HE WILL-AND U KNOW WHAT HE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF IT BECAUSE INSTEAD OF SEEING THAT I WAS WILLING TO HELP HIM BY BEING FLEXIBLE IN MY BEHAVIOR HE INTERPRETED IT THAT I WAS BEING WEAK AND GIVING IN TO HIM THEREFORE I WAS WRONG. JUST BE CAREFUL WHATEVER YOU DO DO NOT GIVE IN AND JUST DON'T FIGHT JUST STAY SILENT AND DRAW YOUR CONCLUSIONS FOLLOWED BY ACTIONS

GOOD LUCK

Answer 8

Just going to remind you of something, because I'm sure you know, sometimes we just need to be reminded. You are not responsible for his constant bad mood. Try to let it roll off your back and stay happy. Trust me I know how hard that can be, but this time will pass, and you will have the man you are in love with back again. Your marriage was not a mistake. Pray for your husband, and rest in the belief God will handle him.

Answer 9

well... those kinda things happen in a marriage sometimes but its just the beginning . he probably having some problems or hes just probably tired .. remember you just said that hes a doctor and doctors have tired duties. Dont lose hope about your marriage and dont regret anything because things are ment to happen.. just be understanding probable you need to just change a lil and he does too.. understanding is part of your marriage also when you have a baby..

Answer 10

He should seek help you need to find out what the cause is he needs to respect you better , you two are partners , if he has any respect he should ask for forgive ness. Life is meant to not hurt no one he has to admit he has problem and work on it for the better good of all these are trying times for all of us !!!! Love and peace to both of you!!!!! happiness is afleeting moment grab it while you can!!!!! He might have high blood pressure !!! Sugar problems get check up !!!!