Don't know how to handle this! Can anyone give me some advise?

Question

I have been married for 2 yrs to a wonderful man in which I love very much. We both have children from our previous marriages. He has an 11 yr old daughter and I have two boys 16 and 12. He's a wonderful step-dad to my kids, very involved in their lives and he gets along with them great. On the other hand, I do not have that same type of relationship with his daughter. I feel bad because he is so good with my boys but I cannot seem to develope that same type of relationship with his daughter. She doesn't act like a "normal" 11 yr old girl. She is very negative and has alot of emotional issues. I cannot stand talking to negative people. It just drags me down and that's how I feel when I talk to her. My husband is aware of his daughter's issues and he has suggested counseling to her mom but her mom is totally against it. I've gotten to the point where I do not want to be around her when she comes over the house. I don't know how to handle this. Please Help!

I also wanted to add that it is hard to be affectionate to my husband while she is present. If I kiss him or hug him she rows her eyes or says something like (oh, brother). I thought that it was a jealousy thing but she seemed to be more clingy to me than her dad. If my husband and I are playing around, she always takes my side. I don't feel that she is really jealous of my husband and I just think that she wants all the attention from anyone and everyone. She also doesn't have any friends and she doesn't care to have any. She doesn't like to hang around kids her own age. She rather be around younger
kids within the age of (infant-5 yrs old) so that she can be in control and so that there is no competition. She has low self-esteem and it doesn't matter what you say to her to try to make her feel more positive or good about herself, she rather stay negative.

Answer 1

I feel bad for your step-daughter (as I'm sure you do, and so does your husband and his ex-wife, her aunts and uncles, her grandparents, etc.)- but at this point, I feel bad for you. It is NOT easy being a step-mom. People who tell you it is your job to be the adult and teach her the right way are also the people who will tell you that you have no rights to discipline or get involved in certain aspects of her life. Trust me when I tell you that you don't have to like your step-daughter. You love your husband, your step-daughter came with the territory - so you must respect her and treat her well - but you don't have to like her or even love her. That is not your job. Be normal to her and when she starts exhibiting behavior you don't approve of, distance yourself. You'd be suprised to find out how much she actually seeks your approval. She'll notice the change in your attitude towards her almost immediately. When she is acting appropriately, resume a normal relationship with her. After a while she will learn what will turn your attention away from her and you will see an improvement. In the meantime, give your husband suggestions on how he can work on improving her attitude, but don't be suprised if he resists you Keep working on him. There isn't much you can do on your own about your step-daughter.

Answer 2

The mother may be against counseling as a means of using the girl as a weapon against you, and she may well be like that herself. I see no reason why the father and daughter can not make an appointment for counseling without the mother's permission so you can try that.
When the girl comes over, try doing something with her special that she will enjoy and not get at home, whether that is to take her up and get her an mp3 player, take her to an arcade somewhere that she can play video games, or just tell her that this is her hour or two and ask her what she wants to do. If your husband knows something she really enjoys do that with her, just the two of you. A girl can not be negative and enjoy herself at the same time so you need to find the buttons to push to give her that enjoyment.

Answer 3

When she comes over, try planning a few hours for you and her to do things, like go shopping or to a movie or out to lunch somewhere. She may be having issues accepting you as her step-mother, and may be rebellious until she actually gets to know you better. If you show her the more positive side of things, then she may open up to you and not be so negative all the time. As much as you don't want to hear the negative things, listen anyways. A girl at that age will cherish that moment that somebody listened to her. I was once in the same predicament, I was the negative child that never got along with my step-mom because I wouldn't accept the marriage between her and my dad. I hope this helps.

Answer 4

Sometimes being an adult, and a parent figure, means doing things you don't want.
She's a CHILD who has been through a lot. Give her a break, she has every right to be negative, look what happened in her short little life. Her parents probably fought a lot, then got divorced, now she has 2 sets of parents and probably doesn't feel like you want anything to do with her. Talk about stress for an 11 year old!
The more negative she gets, the sweeter you need to be with her. You have to break through her outer shell before things will get better, but that takes time and effort on your part. Do it, you'll be greatly rewarded!

Answer 5

Try giving your spouse's daughter positive gestures when communicating with her. Ask her what she likes to do and involve yourself with her in all activities. You and her could pick a day and go shopping and out to lunch, taking her to a restaurant where the food is her favourite. Turn her thinking around and show her there is many positive things in life. Her mother isn't seeing her negative side and really should. Counselling would really help this girl, try and convince her, its the best thing to do. Her family doctor could run some tests to figure out why she seems so depressed in life. You are the adult here, so try and be her close friend. Cocoa

Answer 6

I think you should address this situation with a sit down conversation between your husband,You and her.It may not be a bad idea to plan a long weekend or an activity that includes just the three of you.Maybe plan it for when your boys go to there fathers to visit or let them go stay with a family member or whatever it takes.Just assure them that it has nothing to do with them and they are not being punished by not getting included.Most children will understand.If not they will get over it.Seriously,children are way more resilient than we give them credit for @ times.Take this time to talk to her and address this situation together.Present a united front and let her know that it will be this way forever.Hopefully she will come around.If not you may need ot seek professional counseling...Good luck.

Answer 7

It's hard to say without knowing the child. The only suggestion I have would be to know her interests and focus on them. Ignore her negative behavior and continue to role model a positive one. If she has always had a negative personalitiy, I can guarantee that her age isn't helping right now. Around this age is when "attitude" really begins. Just keep in mind she is a child and you are the adult.

Answer 8

I'm sure that you are going to think you've heard it all before but . . . try to ignore her negativity. Be positive and be polite and friendly. It SUCKS to be her right now. She needs her dad, she has to "visit" and there are all these other people. She's approaching puberty if she hasn't already arrived there and she is probably a mess.

I realize that you can't stand negative people but guess what? This isn't about you . . .

That probably sounds harsh but - well, sorry.

Be polite, be warm, include her as much as possible. Swallow your discomfort!

Answer 9

I have had the same relationship with my step daughter I have tried to treat her like my own child and the term killing them with kindness really works esp. for younger children