My fiance and I have been through it all, together almost 5 years had seperated for a year and a half and we share a child together. Since we've been back together he's read my journals page for page, put other girls before and threw out pictures of exes ( which i really dont care about.. if i was digging through my stuff and found them i would have rid of the anyways that was the past and i've been looking foward to OUR future). My problem is that he recently went through his boxes and kept dozens of pictures of his exes...DOZENS. Even girls he dated while we were seperated which really hurt. It was a slap in the face, a double standard. Why would he hold on to his past yet throw mine away?? He kept love letters and pictures of an ex girlfriend he calls anytime we are having problems. My biggest problem was the girl he slept with while we were seperated yet claims he had no relationship with her but kept her picture anyway.
2007-10-08 03:36:35 · 16 answers · asked by Keeping it real 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He's a manipulative bully. Get rid of him fast. You deserve better.
2007-10-08 03:43:04 · answer #1 · answered by meagain 4 · 4⤊ 1⤋
This situation is pretty common. I know doesn’t make it feel any better. First, I’ll say men are very unique creatures, and the average male ego is pretty fragile. This is not to be confused with a weak man. It is just that the old pics and letters are like trophies to him. They remind him of his value as a man. They refortify his ego. That’s the way we are. So, him holding on to them (while yet unmarried) is not as disconcerting as him throwing yours out.
Secondly, it appears that there are several things at play in you both. He wants exclusivity from you, but he also wants, or feels he needs, external validation. That hints at insufficiency and insecurity. He confides in an ex during the low point in your relationship. That denotes immaturity. Also the two of you have had an “on-again/off-again” relationship for 5 years. That says that there is something there with you two, but a healthy love blend is not quite there.
Please don’t think I am bashing your relationship. That is not my intent. However, I did notice that you didn’t really mention anything about the love you two share. That to me says while you do have chemistry together, you lack true compatibility. That is not a death sentence. It merely means the two of you have some work to do before you should consider marriage. Evaluate the things that drove you all apart, why you stayed apart so long, and why you reconnected. This will give you a good starting point. Work on being complimentary personalities to each other. Be strong where the other is weak. Finally, know that chemistry without compatibility can create an explosion.
Grace & Peace
2007-10-08 12:25:45 · answer #2 · answered by Imbeav 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Boy, even though I think the previous answers have covered off on all the issues I feel compelled to write. I realize because you have a child that you may want to make this work - but at what cost to you? Don't you deserve someone who thinks you're their best friend? What kind of example will this relationship set for your child? Why does he need to call his ex when he's having problems with your relationship? What gives him the right to keep his momentos and throw yours out? He sounds very controlling and once you are married it will only get worse. You must ask yourself why do I want to hold onto this person? Does he meet all my emotional needs? Is he a good parent? Is he your best friend? Do I love him just the way he is or do I think he will change after we're married? I have been married unhappily once, and happily the second time. I can tell you bluntly 1) there will always be things you don't agree upon - how you resolve those agreements will determine if the marriage will survive 2) Marry someone you respect and admire - it makes it easier to say I'm sorry when you need to 3) People don't change after marriage - what you see is what you get. You either love them for who they are, or move on. 4) Being alone raising a child is alot better than being in an unfulfilling relationship and raising a child. I know, I've done it.
Best of luck
2007-10-08 11:07:07 · answer #3 · answered by Laurie C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He doesnt want to let go of his conquests..sounds like insecurity to me..In this case what is good for the goose isn't so good for the gander I see..he seems controlling. It becomes complex when you have a child together but your happiness or unhappiness reflects to your child..It also sounds like there is an emotional affair going on here..if goes to his ex when there are problems between you two that is a red flag.
The trust amongst you both seems nowhere to be found to prior into each others stuff to begin with..some things like journals etc..are just taboo to touch.
Respect is something that should come natural as being a human being & if you don't get it from the start you probably won't get it now..
2007-10-08 10:58:10 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, the double standard is somewhat bothersome, but keeping pictures of ex's is not really an issue to me. Those are fond times and memories that he should not have to "give up" in order to be with you. However, there are 3 things in this question that give me pause:
1. He needs to explain his double standard and apologize for it. I wouldn't necessarily expect to be able to repeat the same mistake he forced you into (whether you would have done it on your own or not), but he should own up to it and sincerely apologize for his previous actions and be willing to compromise about a solution for this. (You need to decide what you can live with as only you can).
2. You can't accept him calling an ex when he has a problem with you. That is simply unacceptable. There is the whole "friends" issue, but if this is an ex (especially if he returned to her in the past), I would be very nervous about this. Friends that happen to be the opposite sex can be hard to deal with, jealousy naturally arises especially since you tend to go to your friends when you have issues in your relationship. However, going to your ex, especially with problems in your relationship seems to cross a line for me.
3. Your resentment over what he did while you were separated. I don't know if you had already had the child or not, but clearly there is some issues here that you need to accept about that 18 months you were apart. What he did during that time you need to come to terms with on your own if this is going to work out for the long term. You have to truly accept this period and not have it "hold over" your relationship the way it currently seems to be doing in your mind.
I hope this works out for you, especially with children involved this is a rough thing you are going through, many relationships face problems like this and come out on the other end stronger than ever. Work at it and remember to do what is best for you AND your child.
2007-10-08 10:51:17 · answer #5 · answered by J in SC 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you have found it far easier to let go of the past than he has, which makes me fear for your future. WHy don't you go through and throw the pictures out? If he won't let you then it's plainly obvious you should leave him as he's still attached to the memories of other relationships, rather than having just taken his learnings from them.
5 years is a long time for a relationship to flounder - I wonder whether you are together for the right reasons, or do you just not want to be alone, and this habit fixes that?
2007-10-08 10:58:58 · answer #6 · answered by Paul M 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not only does he not have respect for you but he is a control freak and it would be a mistake to marry this guy unless you want someone who may well sleep with other girls when he feels like it, read all of your mail and check your phone for who called, how long you talked, and whether there are any text messages on the phone, and perhaps fall back into the stereotype of wanting to keep you barefoot and pregnant. Lose this guy as fast as you can!!
2007-10-08 10:49:59 · answer #7 · answered by Al B 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Oh man this sounds like he wants his cake and eat it to!!! Past relationships are learning experiences. You can get something out of every relationship you have been in and it teaches you not to do those faults in the next one. It makes you stronger but the fact that he had you throw your stuff away and not his that should be RED FLAG!!! He is in control is what it sounds like and you shouldn' want any man or vice versus to control you. Get rid of him he is not worth it. You can find someone that respects you and treats you equally to the relationship. Good Luck !
2007-10-08 11:10:22 · answer #8 · answered by spleefarella 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He has no respect for you and does not trust you.Its sounds like he is looking for a way out or an excuse to leave.This guy does not seem worth it to me.Ask yourself if you did not have a child together would you be putting up with all this B.S?Also it seems he is bullying you and walking all over you.You need to stick up for yourself here or it will continue to be this way and possibly get worse is that what you want?If not you need to put your foot down and stand your ground but be perpared for the fact that he may not or ever change his ways with you.Sounds like you could do better to me!
2007-10-08 10:51:10 · answer #9 · answered by Samantha B 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Isn't 5 yrs a long enough struggle? If you want respect, it seems like you're going to have to find a respectful man to get it.
2007-10-08 10:44:57 · answer #10 · answered by karamell08 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
go to his place or through his stuff and throw everything out as well. get rid of his past. after all he got rid of yours.
2007-10-08 10:57:40 · answer #11 · answered by jpoveda2000 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋