Does my husband have a legitimate complaint or do you agree with me?

Question

We have been married for 3 years and it upsets my husband that I stay up late almost every night. I have to be to work by 7 a.m. and he has to be to work by 5 a.m. He likes to go to bed by 10 or 11 p.m. and I don’t. So what’s the problem? We both get off at 4 p.m. and when we take an hour or so to wind down. By the time somebody cooks dinner or we go out to dinner, get back and get settled, it’s almost time for bed –well for my husband that is. We usually spend the last couple of hours (between 8 p.m. and 10 p.m.) with me on the computer, reading or on the phone and him playing the Playstation or watching the football game. He slips off to bed and I’ll head for the computer room. I still want to stay up and enjoy the night.I want to get on Yahoo Answers. I want to play online Scrabble. I want to work on my side business.

That’s my time. I get to let my hair down and relax and think about some things, in privacy. I stayed up until after 3 a.m. last night because I just couldn’t sleep. Instead of waking him, I slept in the guest bedroom. This morning he was very short and rude with me. I asked if he was upset because I stayed up and he said “Don’t worry about it. You don’t have to worry about every little thing that I get angry about. I just don’t understand, that’s all.” I feel like a little child. This has been a problem for the past 2 years or so. Why can’t he just leave me alone? I’m not cheating. I’m not bothering anybody. I’m not doing anything I shouldn’t be doing. I’m just taking time for “me”.

Check this out – he used to stay up all times of night when he worked a different shift. But he’d be up looking at porn on the computer and he’d sneak and lie about it (another issue). Before I actually knew what he was doing I didn’t care that he was up late. But I’m not doing any of that! Now that he choose not to stay up all night looking at porn, he expects me to conform to his schedule. Sometimes I’ll go to bed with him just to make him happy (and to be there to have sex). As long as I’m doing that, he’s fine. But he’s always making sarcastic comments about what time I go to bed or asking what time I’ll be joining him tonight.

Is what I’m doing wrong? What are your thoughts? It’s driving me crazy. I really feel like a trapped kid. I don’t do anything. I hardly go anywhere. I just go to work and back home and he wants to make a big deal because I stay up late. What harm is it posing to him?

Answer 1

I can see where both sides make a good point. He is your husband and he thinks you should go to bed together but on the other hand I agree that you need "me" time. My husband and I are currently dealing with the same problem. I don't require as much sleep as he does and I think best late at night after the kids are in bed and all the noise is turned off. What I have tried is picking a few nights that I go to bed when he is ready and taking the other nights for myself. I think you should always get into bed with him no matter what time it is. I fell asleep on the couch one night and my husband reacted the same way. I think he is just worried that your alone time might cause you to grow apart.

Answer 2

I don't know that what you do is wrong, but it is definitely an issue. It has become a power struggle somehow between the two of you.
I have been married 9 years now. I used to be the same as you, staying up until all hours of the night, with him complaining that I was on the computer too much, I have found that for whatever reason, we are closer and just get along better when we go to bed together. I'm to the point now that I can't go to sleep unless he's with me. On the occasions that I'm just not tired, I will go to bed with him, and after he falls asleep, I'll watch a little TV in bed until I am tired, But 99% of the time we go to bed together now, because it is what works for us as a couple.

Answer 3

It's projection... he knows that if he were up late he'd be doing something that you wouldn't approve of and is afraid that is what you are doing - even though he knows deep down that's not the case.... My ex used to accuse me of cheating all the time when he was the one with the problem.

You have 2 choices - adjust to the realization that you can not control how he feels (good or bad) about your actions and keep doing what you need to to stay happy or (2) change your behavior and go to bed together.

Personally, you'd have a much healthier relationship if you could adjust to the idea that you can't control how he feels. As long as you aren't doing anything wrong or immoral, I'm not sure why he's having the issue. He sounds a bit co-dependant from the breif blurb you put here... counselling for him might help.

Answer 4

The two of you have MAJOR issues! You want things YOUR way, and can't see his side of it. HE wants to be in control and resents you spending all of that time away from him. Ask yourself this question. Are you still in LOVE with him, or do you stay together out of convenience? Is he still the same man that "rocked your world" three years ago, or have both of you changed? Why does he feel the need to check out internet porn? You are right though, that is another problem for another discussion! It seems that you would rather play on the computer than spend time with your husband. How about a compromise? I have done this already when I wasn't ready to go to bed. I go to bed when my wife does, rub her back to help her go to sleep, then I get up and get on the computer, or watch TV or read. That way, I have spent some time with her, she gets to go to sleep with me there, and I get to have "my time" for a while before going to bed myself. Just something to consider. But I think the two of you need to sit down and talk about the underlying issues in your marriage. There are problems there and they won't go away by masking them or calling them something else. There is an elephant in your phone booth, and neither of you can see it! Talk to each other...work this thing out! I KNOW there is mutual ground that you can both agree on, if you try and really WANT to!

Answer 5

My wife is a night owl, she would stay up all night if she could, she can go to work without much sleep. But the funny thing is that when she is tired she expects me to go to bed with her.

We compromise now, if she wants to watch something on TV that goes late I lay on the couch and fall asleep. She will then drag me off to bed as soon as it's over, otherwise she will watch the next thing and the thing after that.

Marriage is give and take, sometimes you have to do things that don't suit you or compromise like we do.

Answer 6

Obviously communication is the problem here. There is something bothering him that he is not telling you, which is why his anger gets in the way. Sometimes men use anger as an excuse to hide their hurt. Showing hurt, for them is a sign of weakness. To us women, this sounds a little stupid, but men and women are wired differently. Men, created as the dominant ones, usually don't like to show their weakness. Their role is to be strong, sturdy, and confidant. If they feel anything less than that, it emasculinates them, and really shoots their self esteem down.

You need to understand that your husband really is not "mad" at you... he is crying for attention, but is a little rude and abrupt as he does not know how to appropriately ask this of you. Most men seem to be like this. Once you understand that he is probably only hurt, that will allow your own anger about the issue to subside, and then you can more empathy toward your husband.

Maybe he is indicating that he would like some intimacy before he falls asleep. Nighttime is often the "romantic" alone time, and perhaps this is what he wants, but for some reason, isn't comfortable asking this of you. Maybe he feels rejected. He could be thinking, "I have to get up early, so I need to go to bed early. She knows what time I need to sleep, so why doesn't she ever come to bed with me?"

Why don't you try, as an experiment, for a week, going to bed a few minutes after he does, and initiating intimacy. See how he responds. I'll be this is all he is asking for. :)

Or, try open, honest communication. Say, "Honey, the only reason I don't go to bed at the time you do, is I need this time to unwind and relax. This is my "me" time. I promise I'm not trying to ignore you at all. You always get angry with me and I truly don't understand why. If you just get upset without telling me the reason , I can't give you what you need. I am not a mind reader. I love you, and I want for you to be happy. How can we work things out so you don't become resentful toward me? What can I do that will make you happy?"

Don't say too much about what you need and why until you hear his end of things. If he responds well, and it seems opportune for you to ask how you can give what he needs AND have what you need (your alone time), then say so.

Otherwise, make sure he knows that you care about HIM... and are willing to give him what he needs. It sounds to me that he just doesn't feel important to you during his "time of need." For whatever reason, that happens to be during your need for relaxation. ;)

Answer 7

It's marriage counseling time! Don't waste your time here at Y!A. Your problem is specific to you and your husband, and won't be resolved here. Make an appointment, tell your husband that you are concerned about your relationship, and go. If he won't go, then go yourself. Sometimes if you just start going, your spouse will, too, to make sure their side of the story is heard! A counselor will help you two identify what the REAL issues are, because the bedtime debate is probably only the symptom, not the cause of your problems. A counselor will also help you two come up with creative and constructive solutions and compromises. Call one today! Good luck!

Answer 8

Well - might not realize it . but there is a problem.

I used to stay up till 2:00 every night playing yahoo games - it was 'my time' away from kids - everybody. well - I am divorced now - I never wanted to go to bed --- because - well - he was there.

I'm remarried - and I don't have a problem going to bed at 9:00- 10-11 is more the time we go to bed though- I dont' want to stay up anymore.

could it be who you are with? you mentioned the porn - whether you realize it or not --- something is bothering you - and sorry to say-- that something is him.

but- I get what you are saying about me time- I was the EXACT same way! as for going to bed once in a blue moon just to shut him up - hoping it would shut him up for quite awhile.

Answer 9

This seems to be about control on both sides. My fiancee requires a lot more sleep then I do. He goes to bed early and I stay up. We get up at the same time in the morning.

We are individuals. We do not tell each other what to do.

I would suggest YOU reading the following book:

The Surrendered Wife (please do not let the title fool you. It is not about being submissive)

This has helped our relationship immensely.

Stop letting these things bother you.

Answer 10

Why don't you just go to bed with him, get up when he does and use the time in the morning for the computer after he goes to work? That way everyone gets what they want. Seems pretty simple. This seems like its about your personal time more than going to bed early. Get your personal time in the morning......