Is choosing to be a stay at home mom a total failure?

Question

I never quite figured out what I "wanted to be when I grow up" ... didn't finish college, although I had a few great jobs. I recently found out I'm pregnant, have a wonderful relationship with a man willing to support me ... is it so horrible to just want to be a stay at home mom? I've always hated working, but I don't want to feel like I'm shirking all responsibility. At the same time, I feel it's important for a parent to be home with a child. I guess I'm just torn between being able to support myself and staying at home completely depending on another person -- it scares me. Any kind words of advice?

Just to point out to some of you -- I am not saying that those of you who ARE stay at hom moms are failures -- I am asking your opinion on someone whom always associates "success" with a succesful career. I was not taught that "staying at home" was the most rewarding job ever (even though I believe it may very well be).

Also -- NO, I am not married ,and we plan on getting married in Fiji after I have the baby. I don't want to marry while I'm fat and can't even enjoy a glass of champagne. This pregnancy was COMPLETELY unexpected -- a pure accident, which is probably why I have all this confusion. I admit, yes, I am pretty self-absorbed (I don't yet have kids!), but I do understand that life will change and it won't be all about me.

I have NO problem "working" at home doing laundry, cleaning and taking care of baby -- I actually enjoy these things, and I should've mentioned that I enjoy this type of work as many of you seem to think I'm a lazy nobody trying to free load.

Answer 1

You sound just a little bit like me!

If you decide to stay home with your baby, you are in NO way shirking responsibility. In fact, if you are able to make it financially on your partner's income, and you're both comfortable with your staying home, it's a fantastic choice, *especially* in the very early years.

Handing that baby to a childcare worker at the end of "maternity leave" is much harder than you might think.

Being at home to see his/her first step, hear his/her first words, etc. is an amazing thing.

You've proven to yourself and to the world that you're capable of supporting yourself, and you can certainly go back to that at any time. But when your child is very small, if you can arrange it, and you have the desire, being a stay-at-home mommy will give your baby a great start in life, and therefore is VERY responsible. Go for it!

Congratulations on the upcoming addition, btw!

Answer 2

No, it can't be.
It is only if you do it against your will.
It depends on the type of person you are; Your beliefs and what your values are.
Personally, I'd tend to say that people who put the material before everything else, are the ones to be in the wrong.
I think that if you can enjoy it, then it's great.
Being a full time mother is hard work indeed, but very gratifying and rewarding for some.
Personally, I need to do both. Have time for my children, and work.
I guess that it's also a cultural issue, since in my culture, French, you exist through your work. Your profession defines you, unfortunately.
What's more, I like seeing people, having this feeling of accomplishment and also, I enjoy the money I put so much effort in to earn. It makes me feel great, that I do contribute to society; At the same time, I find it really hard to combine being a mother and a professional.
Still, I wouldn't change it for the world. I just think that mothers should be given more acknowledgement for their hard work.
Also, Although I do need to work because of my situation, single mum, to me, my kids ARE my priority. And when I do respect the fact that I have responsibilities I am paid to carry out and others rely on me, I also know that without my children, I'd be NOBODY and wouldn't be able to do a thing in life. So, they still remain MY number 1 priority.

Answer 3

Absolutely not. It's not a failure, it's a choice. You can fail as a stay-at-home mother by being a bad mother, but making the choice to stay at home isn't a failure.

There's a difference between being a stay-at-home mother and a homemaker, though. A homemaker does take one a majority of the household duties and decisions. It's important to realize that by being the one at home you're most likely signing up to do that. If you work outside the home, the housework is usually divided up between the two people. Most jobs outside the home aren't as messy (garbage, dishes, dusting, mopping, windows) and mundane as housework. If you don't want to work as a maid, dishwasher, chauffeur, laundress or other service industry field, being a homemaker isn't for you. You might to great, but you also might resent the heck out of it.

If you do decide to be a stay-at-home mother, DON'T completely depend on your boyfriend. Look into writing, education, classes you can take via the internet or at hours which work for you, or anything like that. You probably don't like working because you haven't found the subject you love. When you do, you'll want to spend more of your day engaged in it. One of your responsibilities is to yourself, to find the thing that makes your brain feel alive, challenged, and fascinated by the world. Some of that will be parenthood; it's a miracle. Parenthood isn't everything, though, and you are more than a mother and a girlfriend. You just need to find out what other things you may be, and you can be a stay-at-home mother.

Answer 4

I think being a stay at home mom is great, to a point. When kids are growing they need parents around, at least I think. The problem is, now, I had been a stay at home mom for so long that I missed out on a lot. A lot of education, work, and just being me. Being ME and not only MOM is what I missed out on. Now, after all this time of being with one person we divorced. This has left me where? In a mess for sure because I have no background/work history. At least find a part time job. You will need time for yourself as well.

Answer 5

Well gee, I hope not. If so I've been a total failure for the last 10 years!! This is something you have to answer for yourself and with your spouse. I worked until after our second child was born. My decision to be a stay at home mom came after meeting mothers of kids with terminal illnesses in a hospital. It made me realize how little time we get with our children. We were able to afford me staying home and my husband was totally supportive. I've never been happier than I have in the past 10 years. I remember being at work when my little ones were in daycare and thinking I was missing something. I was. I was missing my kids. I depend on my husband but he depends on me as well. We now have four children who are happy, well adjusted and doing great. I'm a big believer in supporting every ones dreams and aspirations. Not only our children's but my husbands and mine as well. You mentioned that you never quite figured out what you wanted to be. Staying at home with your child might open that door for you. I've maintained a music career while raising my kids full time. It gets me out of the house and shows my kids that following your heart is really the best way to live. Don't forget that decisions are never permanent. If you decide you would rather be working, you can always go back to work. Just follow your heart. Good luck :)

Answer 6

I did the same thing you are doing now. I started college but didn't finish and then found out I was pregnant and got married at 5 months into the pregnancy. I was a very happy stay at home mom and kept 3 kids at home up until 2 of them went to school and I finally recieved the opportunity that I thought was the best for my family so I went back to work but I did stay home with the kids for 9 years before going back to work. It was the best time of my life. I miss being home now but God gave me this opportunity and I'm doing the best with it I can. So if you can afford to be a stay at home mom thenm do it, your kids will love even more for it!!

Answer 7

Being a stay at home mom is actually one of the harderst jobs I have ever had, when my kids were babys I had to stay home with them, I mean the idea that some stranger or even someone I knew were to watch my children while I worked made my skin crawl, I dont understand alot of these women who do choose to work over taking care of their kids, how could they? I,ve seen both sides of the coin here, I,ve seen children who have been raised by day care workers, and Ive seen children who are raised by mom or dad, and let me tell ya what, the children who are raised by mom or dad are are so much more secure, structured, and are not begging for attention. So with that out of they way, I must bring up the issue that while reading your letter, I notice that you keep bringing up your needs, such as you hate working? etc. That struck me as odd?I guess what Im trying to get at without offending you is that It I hope that you staying at home is,nt for your personal benifet, cause it shouldnt. You need to want to stay home for the safety and well being of your future child, lifes not gonna be all about you anymore. Having a child means that you are ready to give yourself to another human 100%! Also I must ask, why are you not married? If this guy is such a wonderful man, why hasnt he gotton down on one knee and asked you to be his wife? The only thing you should fear is the fact that you might be a un-wed mother, so get your man and go down to the nearest court house and become husband and wife, for your sake and childs sake!

Answer 8

Absolutely not you choose to do what you want to do. I am right now a full time college student happily married for almost 6 years. We are starting to try to have a family. I plan on finishing school, but i dont plan on working until my kids are in school. But thats what I want, not what will work for everyone else. These are the things that you have to make your own choices on and leave everyone else out of it. My only advice is that you maybe take a few more classes at a time, try to find an online program through a local university or community college, that way you do have something if you ever need it to fall back on.

Answer 9

I think you would be more of a failure if you work outside the home and leave the rearing of your child to someone else. Especially if you have a husband who can support you and there is no need to work outside the home.

Children and households are a huge responsibility and a full time job. Which you are about to find out when you have your baby. Your children will really benefit from you being a full time mother. Your husband will too. It is his job to support the family finacially. Count your blessings that he is able to do that with out you having to go out side the home to work.

Answer 10

there is nothing at all wrong with being a stay at home mom since raising the child is as important as having the money coming in. I think there are a lot of husbands who would love to have a wife at home so that they could come home to a clean house, a good dinner on the table, and clean sheets on the bed at night.