What to do with my life...advice please!?

Question

I have been accepted to study at Cambridge university next year, when my daughter will be just under a year old. I would like to go to Cambridge, as obviously it is a very good university and having a degree from there would provide me with lots of opportunities. However, we would be extremely stretched financially if I went there, as a rule is that you have to live within 3 miles of the university (where rent is very high) and that I cannot even work part-time. My partner would have to travel a total of up to 4 hours a day for work, then when he got home he'd have to look after our daughter whilst I went to library to do my uni work so we'd never see each other, and have little quality time with our daughter. I'm considering not going, and just getting a job as family life is more important to me but my partner thinks I'll end up regretting it if I don't go, and that it will be worth the struggle for 3 years...what do you guys think? Go, or work up to a career elsewhere?

With regard to thinking about it before I applied - my daughter was a happy surprise so wouldn't have been a problem if it was only my partner and I. As for working during the holidays - this is not allowed either due to the amount of work they give you. We couldn't live seperately as we couldn't afford to pay two lots of rent and bills as well as for childcare, and we'd like to avoid our daughter being cared for by strangers as much as possible, but then there are no family members close by to help unfortunately.

Answer 1

How very frustrating! I'm wondering, though, if they might not break the rule of where you must live, since your situation is obviously not an ordinary one, and most students do not have a partner and child to consider in their calculations. I would explore the options with the university. Could you live elsewhere, since it would be a hardship for your partner and child? Could you, perhaps, stretch your studies out over four years, to ensure some time with your partner and child? It may be that because Cambridge is very traditional, they will not bend, but it is worth asking.

Certainly, with an opportunity to go to Cambridge, I would not let the finances get in the way. This would be an investment in the future, not just an expense, and your prospects upon getting your degree would be vastly enhanced.

The bigger question, though, is time, especially time away from your daughter, which can never be recaptured. If it were as you describe it, I would say that this obviously is impossible, but I do wonder if you are fully considering that a modern education does not require you to physically be present in a library for a certain number of hours/day. Much of the material you would need would be available online, and you might be able to spend far more time at home than you anticipated (although I do realize that you have distractions there which make it more difficult). I'm an academic, and very few of my colleagues, if any, do their work in a physical library. I think you would need to schedule in time with your child and partner on a regular basis, but that it could be done.

The good news is that your partner sounds terrifically supportive. With someone like that in your corner you have a chance to go far. Give him a big kiss for all the women in academia who wish they had such supportive significant others!

Answer 2

Go! If you put it off the likelihood is you will never do it. At the moment you have three years when you are not worrying about school times etc. You will find it much harder when she reaches school age (the coming down with bugs on the day of your presentation/exam, school baker days and holidays that don't fit into yours and the inevitable 'can so and so come round' just as you start the final slog of an essay - been there, done it. Depending on what you are studying you may well find that you are not in uni every day - in my first year I was only in three days. As someone else has said, alot of work can be done at home on the computer - they will expect you to have access to the internet.

The three mile rule is a bit harsh. I would rent a small room locally just as an address for uni and then conveniently 'lose' it. Once you are attending you are not going to be kicked out for not having local digs!

There is always a way round these things so go for it and enjoy!!

Answer 3

It's really a difficult situation for any person,particularly for anybody placed in family condition like yours.Well,between a family life and a career,our approved social norms would always side with the former.But then,wouldn't that be a bit of over simplification?What about self development(leave aside a career for a while),for which we are supposed to or are morally bound,which has a bearing on our contribution towards the society we belong to?A career then becomes a side benefit and not a primary aim per se.I think that you have a further discussion with your partner(who appears to be a magnanimous person) and take a deliberate decision.Once you have decided either way,never look back,(not with any regrets at all)but always look ahead.We have just this one life and it has a span which is limited.Therefore, our aim should be that only the BEST would do.Good luck.

Answer 4

Your partner is right you will regret it. Discuss possibilities with your college, they may have married accommodation (subsidised so cheaper) they can offer you so that you can live in college accommodation rather than renting outside. Otherwise there are excellent bus and cycle routes in Cambridge meaning that what might seem quite a long distance could really be a pleasurable commute, eg Cherry Hinton, Histon, Waterbeach Girton etc... I believe there are also creche facilities if there are placces available (get your name down quick!) and if you organise your time effectively there should be planty of library time during the day, and you can always photocopy work for the evenings!

The University and your college will be very supportive and helpful to you, I'm sure. Good Luck and enjoy your course!

Answer 5

1. Have you checked with the school to see if they have any child care programs?
2. Does the university have a housing program to help you?
3. Have you applied for every conceivable scholarship you can?
4. Have you checked out financial aid?
5. Did you see if you could get a school loan?

If you haven't done any of these things now is the time to start! Getting accepted is just the first step. There are many ways of getting through school. Can your partner get a job closer in? Do not give up this chance.

Answer 6

This is a difficult one. Because you haven't just got yourself to think about.

Have you considered living in Cambridge during the week and going home at weekends. Your partner could look after your daughter during the week with the aid of full time childcare, or family help. Then provided you were able to clear your studying during the week would have weekends clear to spend with your family.

As you have said it is only 3 years and the financial benefits for everyone could be considerable in the long run.

Depending on your age you could consider postponing your start until your daughter starts school. This way you spend time with your daughter in her formative years, then get the degree and career guilt free later.

Answer 7

GO!
some opportunities are not to be missed, especially if you have someone to support you ... it's going to be tough at the beginning, but you'll come up with something ... your partner might find a new job closer to where you would live, and .. well .. there are always some ways round laws ... like ... living 3 miles away from uni ... come on ... do you really think everybody does that? ... be smart, and find a way to get what you want ... the easiest possible way ... but don't miss a good chance ... do some brain storming, and figure out _HOW_ to do this, not why not to do it!

Answer 8

Another thing to consider is that although you will be very busy during term time Cambridge terms are only 8 weeks long so this is only approx half of the year. That means that you can work and save during the holidays (as many students do) as well as spend more time with your daughter.

Also look here for info on students with children

http://www.cam.ac.uk/cambuniv/studenthandbook/welfare/parents/

Answer 9

Go,Go,Go! I could have gone to Cambridge as a Mature student about 10 years ago. Chose to go elsewhere for similar logistical reasons to yours(except for the Child).

There are few things that I would go back and change. My Choice of Varsity I would. Good Luck!

Answer 10

If you want to do what is best for your family, you sometimes have to make tough decisions. Is it better to spend more time with them now, and have a harder life later -- or spend a little less time with them now and hav a better life later?

Think long term, not short term. This is not just a great opportunity for you -- it is a great opportunity for them in the long run.