marriage and daughter problems?

Question

i married a guy a month ago and we've been living really happily. but he has 3 kids and i have 1 daughter. his kids immediatly accepted me. but my daughter refuses 2 accept my husband and hes tried just about everything 2 try 2 win her over. she says she wants 2 live with her father only her father is a horrible man that does drugs. if i lose her i'd be devastated. wat can i do 2 get her 2 accept her new stepfather and step siblings?

by the way my daughter is 8 almost 9

Answer 1

I had a 12 yr old daughter when I got married. My daughter is now 16 and recently admitted to me that she put me through hell for almost 4 yrs with every bad behavior possible because my husband just left her alone and in her mind he was supposed to do anything to make her happy. He was supposed to prove to her that no matter what she did he would never leave me or her. I had no idea, I never let him dicipline her for the first yr because I didn't want her to pull the your not my father card.

Wow do I know now that I screwed up. What I would have done is Sat them down sooner than I did and tell them both that I love them differently but equally and they are both staying in my life and that means that they are going to have to work out some way of relating to each other. I actually had to remind my 13 yr old to say hi when he would come home from work and 42 yr old to do the same. They were ridiculous.

Now they tease me and live quite nicely but it took a while.

I know it is hard but you have to make sure that you spend alone time with her even if it is an ice cream cone alone before grocery shopping and then if your husband has a daughter make sure that you and him have girls day and boys day once a month. Have family meetings once a week to talk about the good things as well as the bad.

Your daughter needs to know that you are still her mother and that you the adult wants a family for you both and this is the best family for you.

It will be OK it just takes some work.

Answer 2

How old is your daughter? Did she not know the man you married before you got married? Did you not know there was a problem before you got married? Does his kids live with you? If not, that is probably one reason they can accept you better than your daughter can accept him. If they all live with you, then she probably feels overwhelmed by all the people in her space, when before it was just you and her. And maybe she is not through make-believing her real father will magically come home again. Another very dark reason...watch carefully for signs of abuse....please don't pooh-pooh this....I know from very painful personal experience that it happens. I know you have only been married a month...abuse to my daughter actually started before I married the man and I never had any idea. The man was a pillar in the community, everybody respected him, he had two children of his own...who would ever guess?
What can you do? Talk to the girl. Don't belittle her, don't accuse her, don't put all the blame on her for not "getting along". Try to give her some privacy within the home...don't go putting one of the other kids in the room that was only hers before. Let her know that she is still yours and you are still her mother...only hers. The wanting to go live with daddy is very normal. You have to help her through this, just as you would help her with any other problem.

Answer 3

This is just like mine who is 13, except I'm not married and it's regarding my boyfriend. Your husband will have to accept this and sounds like he's doing a good job. Good news: she will come around. Here's why this is happening:
1) She is now having to share her mother whom she had all to herself with another person, let alone another person and 2 children.
2) She is jealous of this; feels like she isn't enough for you anymore.
3) She had a father who isn't exemplary. That man who was supposed to love her unconditionally decided to be a negative influence. Whether or not she knows of his drug use, she knows the situation. She doesn't want this new man to do to her (and you) what her own father did. "You're not going to leave or hurt me or my mommy and this is going to be on my terms." She's unconsciously protecting the both of you. Personally, mine has trust issues because she watched her own father mistreat us, she watched 2 other men come in and out of my life and they were hurtful to the both of us, as well. She doesn't want to love and be hurt, again. She knows my boyfriend is wonderful and unlike the other 2 but she is protecting her little heart and protecting me, her mother. Pretty soon, your daughter will come to see this man is there to stay and will accept both him and his children. It may take up to a year and he will have to deal with it. The more time he spends with her and proves himself on a day to day basis, the faster this will be.

Answer 4

You can't control her feelings. But, you can explain the situation to her, (i'm gessing this is how the story goes...) but, you were with a man (her father) he was a drug abuser, he didn't treat you both right, and then you got divorced. Then, a few years later (or however long it was...) you fell in love with a strong man, who will be a perfect father figure to her. She obvoiusly has trust issues with males (older...like...fathers) and that's why she is not accepting him. And honestly, there is nothing that could happen, to show that her FATHER would get custody, or whatever, he's a DRUGGIE for crying out loud!

As for the sib's: Is there a gap in the age? They could be the annoying little sib's she never had, and never wanted. If not, try to get them all to do something they ALL like, together. or just flat out talk to her.

Hope it helps!

Answer 5

You didn't mention her age. If the father does drugs you must fight tooth and nail to keep her out of that environment. I suggest you sit down and talk with the daughter and find out what her real issue is in this situation. I hate to say that time will heal all wounds but in most cases it does. Time may be the key. When your daughter talks to you listen, don't just hear her words, listen. Good luck as I went through this myself.

Answer 6

Give her time. She is not going to her father, she sounds like she is pouting because she is not used to sharing or having other people to think of. This will blow over in time. If it doesn't then you need to sit down and ask her what her real feelings are with some key questions.

As far as her step-dad, that takes time too. Let her come to him not the other way around. I'm not saying that he should ignore her, but allow you to handle your own daughter without interferance. :)

Best Wishes.

Answer 7

Nice going, mom. It should've been just you and her until she was 18.

Why did you get married again?

Your poor daughter. I am sure you have a lot of issues, but now you have to deal with the emotional difficulties that your new marriage and these 3 new kids have put upon your daughter.

She'll never be the same.

I hope you enjoy your new, oh so fulfilling life of romance.

Your daughter was the price that was paid. Sad.

Answer 8

Don't push the situation on her as others have mentioned. Give her time to accept what's happening. Also encourage meaningful time between you and her so she doesn't feel resentful that your new hubby is getting all the attention. Have fun dates with your daughter. At the very least listen to her when she tries to open up to you...ie...drop activities you are doing and listen.

Answer 9

~~~nothing but time, will work with that. the more u try to force the issue, the more she will resist. back off some, and give her time to come around. some kids, find it really hard to accept a new step parent. there are plenty of programs out there to help you cope, get some counsiling. if not for her, (she will probally resist),for yourself and new hubby as well. it will give u guys good ideas to deal with the situation.

Answer 10

Time will help, you can't let a child dictate what is best for her. You are the parent and she should be doing what you say. If she knows she has zero chance of going anywhere but where she is at, she will accept this fact and eventually give your hubby and children a chance.