12 year relationship on the verge of divorce please help!!? part 3?

Question

I also was just recently offered a higher position with a very reputable company earning a significant amount higher than I was previously. I see light at the end of the tunnel, I can presently make my minimum payments and feel that with this new position I could eliminate all or atleast most of our debt, I am not an avid spender, these debts are due to a new home we purchased and completely remodeled and renovated. I want to make this work but Im not sure if he does. I also want to make sure that if we try once again we dont fail like all the other times we have. Anyone out there with experience in this situation .... PLEASE HELP!!!!!

Answer 1

For one thing, even though you handle the money, doesn't mean he shouldn't know where you are financially. I pay all the bills, and make most of our financial decisions, but my husband is fully aware of our situation. When you were remodeling the house, where did he think the money was coming from?
All you can do at this point is sit down together and go over everything. If you owe 5000, on one card and 9000 on another, I'm sorry to say it is going to take a while to get out of the hole. The only way you will be able to do it is to work together, watch your spending, and make way more than than minimum payment. We borrowed a total of 4700 on a credit card a year ago. I make 250-300 payments every month (minimum is 60 or 70), be we still owe 2700. It doesn't go away over night. We are both aware of our credit card debt, because it was a joint decision to purchase what we got, so we knew we were going to have to sacrifice a bit for a while. You should see a credit counselor. They will be able to help you with a budget to get your debt paid down faster. Then CUT UP THE CARD!
You are a team, and you need to start acting like it. Both of you. You both may need to see a counselor, or clergyman for help. Neither of you are good at communicating. He feels like you are hiding everything from him and lying, and you seem to feel the need to hide things and lie to keep him from getting mad at you. It's a vicious cycle to be in. One thing he is 100% wrong for is involving your daughters. This has nothing to do with them and he needs ot leave them out of it. They have no idea how to react to an adult situation.

Answer 2

Okay, I read your other 2 posts and decided to change my answer now based on what I've read.

First, you should disclose everything. He'll find out anyway about it, especially another bill for $9,000 on his credit as well. If you go through with a divorce it was reaffirm all the reasons he felt he is leaving you, even if he does have an inferiority complex.

Second, don't do anything else with the house as far as putting more money into it. Let it be. Your new job with the salary raise is something that you should keep to yourself, and try to pay off the credit card debts. Personally, my only credit card is to my favorite clothing store, otherwise I pay cash or debit right from my account. If I can't afford it, I don't buy it.

Third, he was uncalled for in telling your young children things that he feels for their mother in a time of anger because they are not prepared. So what I would do is talk to him and make an agreement to take conversations in private and leave the kids out of it, it would be the adult thing to do.

Last, I don't know if your marriage is going to work out. It seems to me that you've tried several times, and for your own mental health perhaps your husband should just be the father of your children and that's all?

My aunt had $15,000 she put on credit cards just buying regular things like food every month, clothes, paying other bills, and my uncle didn't know. She finally told him and they made a plan to work together and pay it off. So, what I'm trying to say is that if he cannot handle working this out with you then he will always be this way. Find someone who can work WITH you. :)

Best Wishes.

Answer 3

The debt isn't really your problem, and getting the other job isn't really the fix. Don't you two think it's about time to find out who each other are? The question to ask him is; Are you willing to try to continue in a relationship with me? period. If the answer is yes, then you have some work to do. Nobody likes the self effacing soul searching that is necessary in a committed relationship to make it work. But! if you work at it, you can play often, and really enjoy life. This may mean counseling, or maybe just a relationship workbook you do together(Barnes and Noble). Right now you do not have the relationship skills to work this out by talking alone. You must be willing to take action. If he says no, that he is not willing to continue in the relationship, then you are probably living with a narcissist and need to get out anyway.

I KNOW this isn't the answer you are looking for. Everybody wants the quick fix. It is obvious you are willing to work on your problems even though you are afraid. Is he? You ARE the person he married, and so is he. You just have to explore together. Go get a book on Tantric sex.

Answer 4

sorry but since i only see part 3 i am not sure what happened in one and 2. it is interesting how you talk about paying for debt as "I" but the actual debt is "OURS". Doesn't seem like he is interested in helping. In short you cant base the value of staying in a relationship on the amount of years already invested. You could have been together 6 months or 20 years but if he and you have fundamental differences that you are not willing to work out there is no point in staying together as you will never be happy as you wait for each other to change. You need to sit down with someone, like a counselor and discuss your issues with each other openly. Only then can you come to terms with what you can change and what you are willing to live with and determine how to move on.

Good luck!

Answer 5

12 years! and $5000/-!

Give it a try. Work it out. Seat down keep cool head and work out a pan and work the plans.

But, make sure from now on you make good joint financial and other decisions. Keep each other well informed I believe it was only $5000/- debt over few last years and it is due to renovation cost, so work it out this additional income from new job should take care of the financial problems.

Answer 6

You apparently aren't reading the answers you have been getting to your other postings. Get marital and financial counseling. Magical thinking(paying off a debt with a job you don't have) is what got you into a debt you hid from your husband. Time to grow up.