12 year relationship on the verge of divorce please help!!?

Question

My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years, we have 2 children together and are at risk for losing it all for various reasons..... 1st and foremost I believe it is a trust issue, we have both been through some troubling times with possible infidelity (talking to other people while we were still married), we were separated but got back together and tried making it work. We have been at this for a little over 5 years now & things always come up with him again constantly reminding me of what happened.... Now the latest issue is the fact that he discovered how much money we owe in credit card debt & totally freaked out. I have always been the one to handle the finances in the realtionship & I never really told him we owed 5,000 + dollars in a credit card and he just recently found out, he now feels deceived & I could understand that to a certain point, he knows what all the charges are from he just feels left out in the dark by not knowing our finances, please see other post

Answer 1

Coming from a broken home, I know first hand that divorce sucks! Though, I would assume it's a catch 22. Parents to either divorce or stay together and just fight forever.

I'm not sure that it just the answer you're looking for but I wanted to post it in case it might help you or anyone.

In my relationship, I/we make sure that we stay as a team. If there is a problem (even if I didn't cause the problem) I'd still say it's "our" problem. We even say "Team ____(our last name)." It's just motivating to hear that and believe that. Makes me feel like I'm never alone. I have my partner to help me with anything and support me cause we're on the same team. We talk about future goals we would like and go forward together.
(We do the same kind of cheer with our little boy. "Daddy, Mommy, and baby." Even as little as he is, he still seems to get excited when we say that.

Here's a few links for you to look at... there are tons of sites that could help you.

I hope everything works out for you both.
Best wishes to you and yours

Answer 2

Four recommendations..First, the infidelity must stop. That is always fatal to the marriage. Everything else can be worked out, but infiedlity usually means game over. Second, the past cannot be changed, so quit bringing it up. It ends up with both sides wanting to be right, and being right becomes more important that the marriage. You dont need to be right, or even if you are right, so what, give in and let him win the fight. Swallow your pride and let him be right. He will be putty in your hands. Finally, put ALL your finances on a spreadsheet. Go to a cash only plan. All credit cards and debit cards are gone. Start paying off your debt by paying the smallest one first, paying the minimum on all others. Then go to the next smallest etc until all dept is paid off. A debt free marriage is a much less stressful marriage. Finally, go to church together and get involved in it...Good luck

Answer 3

No wonder there is a trust issue there!If I had run up that much credit card debt,my husband-to-be would've killed me.Since you 2 are married,your credit rating affects his and vice versa.NEVER leave your spouse in the dark about something that serious.The number one cause of marriages breaking up is money issues.Plus what happened in the past when you were separated should stay in the past.Live in the present and live for the future.I'd say he has the perfect right to be upset about the credit cards and you may have thrown your entire marriage out the window because you ran up the bills.

Answer 4

Move on from the past. Look to the future and seek help to sovle your issues. Financial help and marrital help. You both need to be involved going forward. As a team, you both need to resolve the financial issue. YOU are not the only one to blame. It is a marriage, it takes two to make and it takes to to break it. He had to know your budget couldn't be met with the income you two had. You should've been up front from the beginning, but that is the past. You and he need to stop blaming, get help and move on together. THe girls will respect you both more for it in the future. SHow them that divorce is not the answer, it's quitting. don't quit. Don't give up.

Answer 5

One thing a man hates is being left in the dark about his money situation. All i can say is if he doesn't want to give you anymore money sell AVON like i did. Also credit cards are a bad thing to start messing around with in general. Just live within your means who cares about "keepin' up with the JONES' ". If he makes enough to pay the bills and put food on the table thats enough anyways. Just PRAY and ask GOD to give you the strength to quit racking up the credit cards and whatever else you need help with. HE will listen. PRAY for your marriage , PRAY for your finances. GOD knows what you are going through HE's just waiting for you to call on HIM to help you.I will be PRAYING for you .GOD BLESS YOU.

Answer 6

mabe if he participted in handling the finances you wouldn't be in so much debt,,but it is the way of the world,,be glad your not in farther than you are,, re you the only one who swipes the card at the store?,,my hubby does the same thing,,,he always yelled and gripped when i came home from shopping,,, so i let him start going,,,so for a few weeks of buying useless things,,pototoe chips,,,twinkies,,cereal,, meals in box's.. he let me start going again,,and started eating right,,i think the 4.39 for a gallon of milk suprised him,,, not to mention the price for buying enough for 5 people,,it cost alot to eat ,,dress and get around in this world,,if he feels so left out and decieved ,,mabe he should have sat with you , so he could actully see what and where the money goes,,,

Answer 7

It's not a "trust" issue. It's a "respect" problem: you two don't respect each other, so there's no way you are going to trust each other, and you're not even compatible.

Respect is earned, and once it's lost, it almost never can be regained. You're banging your head on a wall because you don't want to deal with the consequences of yours and his actions.

Answer 8

If he didn't know of the financial situation of the family it was his fault. He suspected it and didn't really want to know just as you didn't tell him because you knew you had messed up.

Instead of fighting each other why don't you two for get your mistakes of the pass work together to get out of this situation (it is not the worse I have heard).

Forget what crap he has done (it wasn't about you anyway). Learn the difference between an "want" and a "need" and be grateful things are not worse (like some one having cancer).

Answer 9

Honestly- if i found out that my husband charged $5000 without telling me - I wouldn't trust him either- I'm sorry - but, I don't blame him - because you were keeping a secret.

thumbs down to me - but, I am with him on this one.

Answer 10

you both should sit down and talk about stuff in your life that is going bad. comunication is the key in any marriage. If you all are not willing to talk then it is time to go ur separte ways.
You did deceive him about the credit card debt. You all should talk about everything all the time.