I feel like my husbands ex and kids are tearing us apart.?

Question

For years his ex has been trying to break us up, trying to turn his children against us and she is always comming up with some new thing to interfer. Friday when he went to pick up the kids, she told him in the music store where one of the kids was taking lessons that she was taking him back to court for child support and for her car. He is one month ahead on support, and she was supposed to refinance her car according to the divorce decree and didn't, she makes payments 3 months late affecting his credit and he let it slide. The blow up happended when he asked if she was going to meet us half way on Sunday. Saturday at one of the kids games she kept bashing him to the kids at one of their football games and smiling at me when she was doing it. Yesterday when she met us to exchange the children her car wouldn't start. He ran over to her car and helped her, she yelled at him that she knew he had jumper cables, they were in the other car, the second time she said this, I said to her

with an attitude that the cables were in the other car. The kids told me to shut up and when we got into our car to leave my husband said that the kids have a right to express themselves and that I should not have said anything. I think it has been 4 years since I have said anything to her other than hello. I am angry about this. I think we should have just given the kids a ride home. The gas station gave her a jump start. I am tired of the drama and being made the bad guy for just being alive. Am I wrong to be upset? I feel this is tearing our marriage apart and I am loosing respect for my husband.

Answer 1

The first thing I would advise is to tell hubby he either needs to man up or leave. I don't care if the children are 17 or 18, I agee they have a right to express themselves, but they also have a right to learn RESPECT. And your husband doesn't seem to care one way or the other about teaching them.

Secondly, your husband needs (or should have a long time ago) take his ex back to court on a Show cause for contempt for not refinancing the car. Whether or not she will win more support depends entirely on how much he makes as oppossed to how much he earned when the original order was issued.

The solution to your problems with the ex are simple. Either your husband mans-up or he doesn't. And in the event he doesn't, you have two choices: 1. stay and put up with having a boy as a husband or; 2. leave and let him deal with this himself.

Answer 2

You knew this was the situation when you married him. Don't complain about it now. Concentrate on your relationship with your husband. Ignore the ex, she's angry and jealous, and if you broke up their marriage, maybe she has a right to be. The best thing you can do for those poor kids is to stay out of their parents arguments. Again, if you broke up this marriage, they have a right to be angry with you. If not, then imagine what it must be like to live their lives with a mother like that. You simply need to be their friend, and leave the parenting to your husband and his ex. Your husband jumped you because he's getting the brunt of everyone's anger and probably believes there isn't a thing he can do right. If he broke up his marriage and family to marry you, he deserves it. If he didn't, then he's just going to have to work out a less defensive way of handling the mother of his children. I suggest counseling for both of you, and if you are a smart woman, you will make every moment away from the kids, one where he is relaxed and happy. You cannot control other people's behavior, you can only control yours. Do that first and see if it doesn't help.

And if you didn't cause this marriage to break up, then you can see why it did. Don't repeat her mistakes. If you did, then frankly you deserve what you get.

Answer 3

You are in the kid's eyes "the evil stepmother" no matter how nice you try to be. They see you as the person who ended any hope of their parents getting back together. Trust me I was a child of divorce and I put my stepmom through hell for many years. I didn't do it becuase she was a bad person, I actually liked her until she married my dad. Kids no matter what age always hope that maybe someday things will go back to being a family when a parent remarries it ends all hope and unfortunatly the step parent is blamed. Now the ex wife, she sounds like she still loves him, maybe she is hurting and shows it with anger. Two people get married and have kids together love eachother....even if the marriage ends doesn't mean all the love is gone.
Your best bet is to just keep quiet and mind your business. If he has to go get the kids for visitation maybe you shouldn't go along to pick them up and drop them off, I know when my stepmom was along to pick us up there was always a nasty fight, but when she wasn't my parents were pretty civil to each other and we were more at ease as well. I hated my stepmom for 13 years so don't think it is going to end anytime soon. It wasn't until I was 23 that I befriended my step mom.
You're going to have to be strong and have patience cus the more you b*tch and moan about the situation the more it will distance you from your husband.

Answer 4

It sounds to me as if you have some unresolved issues with your partner and his relationship with his ex, rather than the ex herself. You say he 'let it slide' over his credit rating (which affects you too) and that he 'ran over to the car' to help her when her car wouldn't start.

Do you feel your husband is too soft on his ex? That he needs to tell her where to go and stick up for the two of you a bit more? You can't do anything about her behaviour except point out that you find it offensive and that it hurts your kids, but you can make sure the kids never see you sink to her level.

If the two of you put up a united front and just ignore her crap with a knowing smile - a silent "yeah, whatever you dumb cow" - it won't take her long to lose interest in baiting you.

Answer 5

I guess technically, you shouldn't have said anything, but I think most of us would have. At the same time, yes his kids have a right to express themselves, but that wasn't them expressing themselves, that was them being disrespectful to you and him letting them be.
All I can say is stay out of it. Don't worry about what his ex has to say. Don't get involved. If she takes him back for support, then she does, there's nothing you can do about it, so there is no sense getting pissed about it. You knew he came with baggage. You may not have known how heavy his luggage was, but it will get lighter as time goes by. It sounds like his kids are at least middle school age. Pretty soon, they may not even want to come around too much, because they would rather be with their friends.
I hope you aren't taking it out on him. This isn't his fault, it is her that you are angry with, and a lot of that is because you have no control over her, and she seems to have control over you with her kids and the way she treats your husband. Take back control. She isn't going to change, all you can change is how you react to it. The only reason she was doing what she did at he game is because she knew you were paying attention. Don't give her an audience to perform for. Ignore her. If she gets catty with your husband, ignore her. She is his ex, so he is the one that should deal with her, not you. I wouldn't even concern myself with what she does. The only real issue is how her kids act in your house. They need to be respectful when they are with you, and if they aren't, then your husband needs to step in. Try not to hate the kids. They are just pawns in her evil game. They can't help that they have a ***** for a mom.

Answer 6

you have a right to be angry. just remember - the children are learning to have no respect because of their mother- don't take it personal.
I have so called 'step children' - and they act just like their mothers- calling me a whore- white trailer trash - etc.. I just laugh because they don't even know me - and I honestly could care less what they think. If she wants to raise children that are so disrespectful to me and their father - so be it - she is the one that has to watch them live sad lives.
I don't agree what your husband said - about the kids have the right to express themselves..I am lucky- because my husband is not like that at all - because we have the same morals as far as raising kids go - kids should not be respectful - and should not be allowed to call us names ...or put us down in the way they do.
nothing you can do about the ex - it is what it is - she is how she is- you can't change somebody that chooses to be unhappy in life-- the best you can do - is be happy in life. let her bring him to court - maybe then you can get the car out of his name. she didn't follow through w/ her obligations. btw.. he shouldn't have had to jump start her car in the first place --- thats not his job anymore --- he could have offered to give the kids a ride home--but, thats it. she can deal with her own problems!
you need to talk to your husband - let him see it rhough your eyes - he should put himself in your shoes..and look in on the situation- maybe then he will change his mind.

Answer 7

You are the Parent, and you know your child best, and you want the best for him! If you don't think he should be spanked then don't allow anyone to spank him. I personally am against it except for special circumstances (all children are different and sometimes with some children that's all they respond to!) I however believe it should be a last resort. Parenting Issues are one of the biggest causes of Divorce so you and he should come to a mutual understanding before marriage and before having a child together! You should discuss what you both feel is important to raising a child IE. sports, schools, college, punishment, chores... and you should really discuss other people with your child IE his parents, since he said that how they interact with your child is their decision! My fiance and I also disagree on spanking but have reached a understanding that spanking is a last resort method. I dislike spanking and I will not have someone threaten any child of mine with physical violence... to me the threat is worse than the actual spank!

Answer 8

As a child of divorice myself it is hard for the kids and hard for the adults "stepmom" unfornuately get the brunt end of it and are expected to do all the changing and expected to do this, i tried to be as nice as i could for the longest time then i stopped, my bf's daughter lives with us and has vistation with her mom, me and his daughter have gone round and round she knows if she wants to live her she will respect me and i in return will respect her. the step parent step child is the hardest relationship you will ever have no matter what anyone says, the kid hates you because you are replacing their parent in their mind, make them respect you and do the same, but take yourself out of even going with your husband to pick up the kids, stay at home and have some alone time for you it will be better in the long run, sometimes people are just bruttally mean but they will be judged in the end like all of us good luck to anyone in a step parent or stepchild role

Answer 9

I too am in somewhat of the same position you're in.My fiance,however,treats his ex-wife with indifference and wouldn't care if her car wouldn't start as long as his daughter was safe.She's a drama queen and like your husband's ex-wife she thinks yelling is a viable form of communication.I think you need to sit him down and tell him how you feel her actions and behavioral problems are affecting your marriage(and it DOES take a toll,believe me).It's what I had to do.Be honest about your feelings and don't try to hide them or keep them bottled up.If he refuses to listen,then he doesn't deserve you anyway!

Answer 10

YES! as a stepmom I would have blown my top if my step kids had told me to shut my mouth. they don't have to like you but they do have to resepct you. yes they have a right to express there feelings but not in that kind of situation. If she really is going back to court i would head her off and file parent alenations charges agents her she has no right to say anything bad about there dad you or anybody else to where they can hear it.

As fare as your husband goes he either needs to make the kids respect you or you need to get out now. because if he is not making them respct you then he does not respect you.

maybe marriage counseling would help.

I got lucky with my step kids they like me and we get along great. of course that has to do alot with what there mom put them through abuse abandoned them then sent them to us. I have been raising them for 3 years now and they are great kids and I love them very much.

he needs to step up and be a husband and a father and teach his kids to respect you as well as others.