I want to get closer to her, but she is clearly uninterested. She adores her father which puzzles me. You would think she would be happy that her Dad has found someone that loves and cares for him. We have been married for 10 years and my step-daughter is 30. Any predictions on whether the relationship has a chance of growing or will I always be an outsider to her? I heard sometimes stepkids come around when they have their own families.
2007-10-08 00:35:15 · 11 answers · asked by me 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I think a lot of children view a step parent as competition for their biological parent's love, children no matter how old sometimes don't realize that there is enough love to go around. Perhaps she is jealous that daddy is sharing his love with another person. I think that you should start out slowly maybe ask her to lunch and do some light shopping. Something that just involves the two of you without her dad so she does not have a distraction. Find out what her interests are and use them to generate a common bond. The more she gets to know you she will realize you are not a threat and be more resigned to sharing her father's love.
2007-10-08 00:48:21 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Every time I hear "stepdaughter or step-mom" it takes me back to when I was introduced to "Cinderella" my dad bought me the book when I was a rut rat many moons ago. And yes that is my all time favorite Disney everything.
I also remember what dad did to my mom with his infidelities..and yes it impacted me as well as leave me scarred. I don't like that word "Stepmother" and no offense to you or any stepmom in this predicament. I am a divorcee with children and prior to that divorce I made it absolutely sure and re-assure my children that while their father and I are still living and breathing on this planet that they will never recognized another woman or man as a parent to them.
I can just hear all the pros and cons chanting over my head right now lol..This is my personal, unethical view on "stepmother" Yet they have been raised to respect their elders no matter what..I am in a relationship where I do not have much in common with my stepchildren.
And yet we get along just find, we do things together they even hang out with my children. Even when their dad and I take a break from "us"..They are always there looking or checking..we remain in communication. I even chat with their mothers as if we are the best of friends.
Ironically as it sounds it is a very cool and open relationship. In your situation give it time it is very difficult for children to accept other partners in their parent 's lives no matter how many years one is into the relationship. Be grateful for whatever form of communication or relationship you have RIGHT NOW with her and keep this in mine daughter's have a tremendous impact and relationship with their fathers. I have a daughter and a son..Her father is her "Knight in shining armour" and my son is mine...
She will come around they always do. And yes even more so when they become parents themselves..and you are not an outsider not after 10 yrs..Give it time and enjoy today's blessings.
2007-10-08 08:07:43 · answer #2 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Listen, the tone of your answers deals mostly with blame or fault and in your particular situation, since the child was an adult when the two of you were married, that's something that really shouldn't even be part of the picture.
The simple fact is, you (or her) have to deal with people every day that just don't like you. It may not be anyone's fault.
You can't make someone 'warm up' to you and you can't change who you are. So, my only advice is to stop worrying about having a relationship with this woman and concern yourself on strengthening your relationship with her father.
If she comes along, fine. If not, then at least you will know that the one person you BOTH love is cared for.
2007-10-08 08:04:35 · answer #3 · answered by hexeliebe 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She's not even a young adult any longer, whatever relationship you have is probably what you will get. Why would it puzzle you that a daughter adores her father but yet is cold to the woman he is married to, which is not her mother. How would you feel if your father did that to you? Be happy she is in his life and be happy for your husband. Take out your maternal instincts on something else, like a dog.
2007-10-08 08:20:59 · answer #4 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Daughter's have a closer bond with their dad's then they do with their mum's , depending on how the marriage ended and if you were the cause or not will determine how she views you , either way she's 30 she's old enough to feel how ever she wishes towards you why are you wasting energy on it now? obviously she was 20 when you got with her dad so why now is it so much more important for you to form a relationship then when she was 20?
If you havent formed a friendship or a bond by now your not going to so just accept the situation let your husband be her dad when she needs him and you stay away if thats what is needed , if your husband wants you involved and she doesnt protest then go with the flow of it.
I am thankful my step daughter and I have the relationship we have , she has often told me she wouldnt be able to communicate with her mum and dad the way she does if I wasnt in her life every day she tells me she loves me and is glad I am here , I'm lucky and I feel blessed , I do feel for women who are unable to have that connection with their step children though.Good luck either way.
2007-10-08 07:44:35 · answer #5 · answered by JadeyOz 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She may come around when you have your own family, but at the age she is now, I wouldn't count on it. You don't really give any details about how her parents split, so it may have something to do with that. If her mother isn't too pleased with him having a new wife, that may be part of it. I don't think she wants her father to be miserable, she may be perfectly happy that he found someone, but that doesn't mean she is going to want to be close to you.
I'm that way with my step dad. I'm happy my mom is happy, but I think he tries too hard to be my friend (I'm 32 with kids and they have been married 21 years). It's not that I don't like him, I do, I'm just not close to him. We get along fine and I am always nice to him, and he's nice to me, but I will never confide in him, or just call him up to talk, the way I do with my mother. Don't take it personally.
2007-10-08 08:06:03 · answer #6 · answered by ♦justme♦ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well hon if she is not wanting to get close, is her lost, don't put to much effort in to it.. it will only frustrate you, if she doesn't want to be friends I would just give her and her father space and let it go.. I know you would like to be friends that would be real nice but she doesn't want to so forget it... leave from around her when she is visiting and let her have time with her daddy be pleasant but not prone to kiss her *** understand? she will get the point.. some people dislike others for no reason maybe this is the case, maybe she is sour because she wanted her parents relationship to work out and didn't and think he is better off with her mother... it could be so many things but hey you stick with this that is your husband child let him deal with it..be pleasant but ignore her...you find things you can do when they are together in cases like this there is nothing else to do...good luck.
2007-10-08 07:45:34 · answer #7 · answered by boricua_2290 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, my stepdaughter is amicable when she comes over, she'll discuss topics, or she will have dinner with us, but outside of coming to the house we don't go out and do things together. We don't go to lunch, we don't shop together. I think these are things that mother/daughter's do unless it's a very tight knit feeling she has with you.
Now, since my step-mom was in the picture since I was 3 years old, we're close, and we can shop and gab just like my real mom. There's a difference. :)
Best wishes.
2007-10-08 09:24:12 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
She was an adult (and I assume not even living at home) when you married him. Therefore, it's not unusual that she’s not 'close' to you. I'm sure she does want her father to be happy and have someone to love and care for him, but that doesn't mean she has to have a close relationship with that person.
Will things ever change? Maybe, but probably not. You’ve been married to her father for a decade, so unless there’s some *huge life-changing* event that occurs, your relationship is probably as close now as it will ever be.
As long as she’s not treating you poorly--and you didn’t state she was--then this shouldn’t be an issue.
2007-10-08 08:20:00 · answer #9 · answered by kp 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a common problem and worthy of concern.
Right up until the " she is 30" line.
She is freaking 30. What she thinks of her father's life or yours for that matter should matter not now.
Her relationship with her family is set and will likely not change.
Adult children do not often include new people in their vision of their family.
It takes time.
2007-10-08 07:53:32 · answer #10 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋