My wife wants access to my computer password. I tend to believe in some measure of privacy. What should I do?

Question

When my 30yr-old wife of 1 year is suspicious, she responds provocatively, doing things that she thinks *I* am doing--short of having an affair. Later, as little clues appear, I snoop a bit and find blatant dishonesties (usually online profile flirtations, which she claims are purely innocent friendships) and feel crushed at being subjected to a double standard. Trying to start couples counseling, sharing enlightening books, etc--still in process.

She says that having access to my PC will give her peace of mind, as she fears not being able to see what's going on in my online life. I resist for 2 reasons:

1) No amount of viewing my computer account will erase the fear that tech-savvy me has created secret alternate email/chat identities.
2) There are journals, archives, & emails of private soul-searching that were never meant for her to read. I fear reading these (going back as far as 15 years before our relationship) out of context would make her even more insecure and reactionary.

This issue is complicated by the fact that in the past I have used my IT skills to snoop my wife's email/chat conversations, which thereafter only confirmed my suspicions. I have hated doing this emotionally exhausting thing. She feels justified in saying, 'If you saw mine, I should see yours.' Yet I have not snooped deep into her past--it's only current activity that I'm concerned with.

I really care about my marriage. I'm 40 and was previously married 8 years. I'm trying to make this work. I'm not having secret relationships, and I hate being put in the position every few months of having to be the 'heavy'--extracting promises from her to limit her activities, putting up internet blocks, and so on.

Some responses below seem to imply I'm hanging onto chat conversations from years past. Um, not quite, but I do have email I send. I'm naturally a writer; occasionally I reflect on my life and dig into my past to 'see where I was'. Those who don't study (their own) history are doomed to repeat it...

It seems that a lot of women (and some men) are advocating a policy of total exposure, and taking an almost denigrating stance against the idea the two people who are closely bound might still need their own private area. Yet I have heard many modern liberated women speak of their need for personal space and, um, privacy. I am certainly not advocating that I should have privacy while my wife does not--in full realization that we have both done things to violate the others privacy.

I guess it comes down to: as married people, man or woman, under what circumstances do we have a right to protect our own computerized journals and email files from other people, including our spouse?

Answer 1

What makes you think that she's going to go digging into your past, too?

I totally believe in privacy, but what you did was wrong. Your wife is entitled to her own privacy, as well. This is totally a "Do as I say, not as I do," situation.

Put the archives and journals on a jump drive and keep it somewhere, just in case you feel like doing some "soul searching" and give her access to your computer. It really is only fair. If you continue to deny her this, she is going to feel like you are hiding something (which it seems like you are) and couple's counseling isn't going to get her past that. If you want this relationship to work, you both need to be honest, and the same rules need to apply to everyone.



ETA: I just don't think that it's fair for you to ask for privacy when you have granted her none. You don't get to say "These are my private things and I want them kept private." If you had asked her before snooping, don't you think she would give the same answer? But you went behind her back and did it.

My husband and I have separate computers. I don't touch his, he doesn't touch mine. I really could care less what he has going on over there and I'm sure he feels the same way. To me, this is an ideal situation. I can't see something like this working for you because you have already violated that trust. The only way to make it right is to let her have a look on your computer. Who knows, she may just want the password and will never even log on. It's about trust. Unfortunately, I think you have to work to gain her trust back.

Answer 2

Sounds like you do not trust her, and she does not trust you. Is there a reason for this, or are the two of you simply being paranoid? Only you know for sure.

You already know about her on-line activities, so asking her about them would be counter-productive. One option would be to place your journals and such in a password-protected file deep in your computer's system (remember the file's name) and tell your wife of ONE YEAR that there is nothing for her to be worried about. I stress the one year part because I think she simply wants to know more about you, and that's part of every marriage...

Of course, you can also just tell her those files are deeply personal and ask her to respect your privacy for now - when you are ready, you will tell her all about them, or even allow her to read them. If she insists on reading them now - then I think you have a real problem and the two of you need to get into counseling NOW.

Answer 3

Depending on how jealous your wife is. If she is then its best not to but if shes not then I would just give it to her. If shes being suspicious of you having an affair then by all means give her the satisfaction that you really arent by giving her you pass. Also since you two are married I think its appropriate that anything before your relationship is in the past. If you think shes still going to trip about your past relationship then I dont think it was wise for you two to have been married. Remember trust is BIG part of marriage

Answer 4

When married, the two of you are supposed to become one, with no secrets. Copy those files from before and put them in a safety dep. box, and give her access to your computer password if it will keep peace in your marriage. Also, you must access to hers, because you are snooping. You both definitely need counseling. That is not the way married couple should be acting!!

Answer 5

NO, it is not invasive. You lied and concealed issues from her and she or he drew a line in the sand, it fairly is greater desirable than i'd do. i'd kick your sorry a$$ out then and there. a minimum of she's solid sufficient to purpose to make the marriage artwork. each and every thing she stated is acceptable and constructive for the marriage. A married guy does not want secret on line money owed and private passwords. the only reason you had all it fairly is to maintain issues out of your spouse! You sound so sleazy. you do not sound such as you like your spouse in any respect. in case you probably did, you will in no way do those issues or you will a minimum of have the decency to bypass away so she would be ready to get on together with her existence and not ought to positioned up with an emotionally abusive jerk like your self. Your spouse isn't unreasonable. you're. i for my area think of she needs to divorce you so rapid your head will spin. Yahoo solutions infrequently gets a powerful emotion out of me, yet this one is diverse. This one sickens me. God help your detrimental spouse. would she finally understand what a gadget you're and GET OUT.

Answer 6

OMG!!! I have been married for almost 7 years and my husband cheated on me twice and since it is hard to trust him again I am trying, but now he insists that I am doing stuff behind his back... NOT TRUE!.... He has gone to the point of snooping in my emails and such... I change my passwords frequently... each person has to have some sort of privacy... otherwise one little thing can turn into a huge arguement... I totally agree with you on your reasons.

Answer 7

If you have nothing to hide, and you shouldn't, let her see everything. My fiancee knows my email passwords and I know hers. These things that you did 15 years back are part of you, you should SHARE them with her instead of hiding them. She needs to do all of this as well, and fess up to the fact that her online flirtations are just as wrong.

Answer 8

let her know this and how u feel. but if u are married, u shouldnt want to hide things from her, she is ur lifelong partner and u should feel fine to be open with her. why do u have a private computer anyhow? seems a bit wierd if u should be in a committed relationship. most married people share...

Answer 9

OK. Wow...your wife wants to know what you are doing on the internet...depends on what you are trying to hide and protect from her. She is insecure and she don't trust you. You must have given her a vibe that you can't be trusted. We women will trust you men as long as you don't give us ANY reason to think other wise. But, once you give us reason to not to trust you...you will never heard the end of it. TRUST ME.

Answer 10

If you have nothing to hide,then do it.. We,aswomen, tend to believe, that if you don't, then automatically you ARE doing someting bad.. AMybe you should make a new e-mail account,and have the other one a secret.. I know what you mean.. It seems to controlling, and that you are unable to have ANY privacy.. But some women who are controlling, are kinda psycho...