My husband has been distant, avoiding me, and isn't sure he wants kids...?

Question

Since we have been together-4&1/2 years in total,married for 1-we've had one of those "happily ever after" stories. We've had off days, or days where we don't get along as well-but we've never been much of a fighting/yelling couple. However, the past month has been very off. His parents split about 9months ago and are living in different houses. He says that he had more faith in our relationship when they were together because they are two VERY different people. My husband and I don't have a TON in common, kind of like them...The last month, he hasn't called or answered my calls(our work schedules are diff, he's mornings-i'm evenings, and so we would normally call at different times to check up), he has stayed on his computer as an avid WOW player, and not wanted to do anything with me. To top that:he's not sure if he wants kids,I KNOW i do. I can't be married to someone that doesn't seem to want me around-but don't know if it will blow over & go back to being him. Do i stay or do i go

As far as the babies go--- he means EVER, i know eventually i want kids, but he doesn't think he EVER will. I KNOW we can't have kids now, but it's the EVER part that kills me.
I've tried to ask if he's cheating, he says no....
I've done it all in the book, and never would consider myself a nag. I've given him tons of space including not even being home on my nights off when he gets done with work and not telling him where i am or anything, I've been "perfect wife" (cooking/cleaning/lingerie, etc), i've just sat back..... he DOESN'T seem to even care if I'm in his life anymore. I know marriage is different from dating... but in what part of the vows does it say "even when i ignore you and don't acknowledge your existence"-- i'm sure that's the "for worse" part, but how can i be married to someone who doesn't care IF i come home at night (knowing i don't have many friends that even live in this state....). My husband is gone and this is someone else.... ?

Answer 1

Wow there are some diverse answers here but it has always been in my opinion that you have to take care of yourself first. For better or worse has nothing to do with mental abuse regardless of what he is feeling or going through being ignored hurts more than words sometimes. Im not saying leave him but i am saying how much do you love him. If he REALLY feals that children arent in the picture than that is a huge thing you have to consider if thats what you want. You cant make him come back to the person he was all you can do is understand and work on it or you can decide that you have just grown apart. If i were you i would test out the waters by telling him you are becoming unhappy and maybe even suggest group and individual counseling. If he is not willing to meet you halfway then its time to regrettably move on. Hope you find your resolution and remember to take care of your own happiness and stay true to who you are. If you stay and change for him all that will happen down the road is resenting him for making you do as such.

Answer 2

Post partum can be nasty. Self doubt is powerful but can be overcome by a few simple things. Use the time wisely when he takes the kids for the day. Go out for a walk and do some window shopping, and have tea/coffee with some old friends, or relatives. Go with new friends to a bar, restaurant, or club and dance. I know it seems impossible right now but once you start it will get easier. Try not to argue at all. When you notice voices increasing it's the time to stop. Go out for a walk and think about why you are becoming angry. Get to the bottom of what started the argument and find a way to appease everyone or find the middle ground. There always is one. Men rely too much on women to be calm and logical. He tells you mean things to get you going not because he means it. When he tells you that you are a bad mother just laugh. Force yourself. Then go into what you have done that day alone for the kids and him without whining about it just tell him. When his mom rides you about your weight gain just say with a smile that lifting the kids all day is equal to 100 push ups and the scales say you have lost another 5 lbs in two days. Green tea is a great thing! When he says mean things it is also the time to smile and say things like, Well, that isn't going to turn me on tonight. I also recommend a kind long talk about trust, love and kind communication to build up your relationship. At least when the kids are in bed and you have a glass of wine at the end of the day in a peaceful setting. A few things will happen once you do all this. You will feel more confident in yourself. Your man will get a better understanding of just how much work the kids really are and you will find the middle ground of logic and peace. Good luck it takes a bit of time but it will happen for you.

Answer 3

Well you are not even on the same page- i mean your work schedules are completely different. It sounds like you guys are more room mates than husband and wife....you need to take steps together. You can't be close with check-in messages or post-it-notes on the fridge! It is not way to develop a marriage. It is also no way to raise children.

Perhaps the divorce of his parents is effecting him more than he lets on. It can get you down. Especially if you consider that your parents model what you are supposed to become as an adult. It sounds like he has more going on than what he is letting on. Get to the bottom of it now before it becomes on of those "we just grew apart" stories. Kids shouldn't even be a consideration at the moment. These things should have been discussed before you decided to get married - surely your marriage is not based upon your differences but some commonalities..... Get together and stay together.

Answer 4

You stay. That's the difference between marriage and dating. If you were just dating, you would go. But marriage means you have to take one for the team once in awhile. Sounds like he's stressed about his parents-questioning everything. Be chill, don't pressure him. Give him all the space he wants for a couple of weeks and don't nag. Let him come to you. Then talk to him and see where he's at with the kids thing.

Answer 5

Your Husband is DEPRESSED! Even though he is an adult and married his parents separation has affected him, probably more than he even realizes. And sorry to say when alot of guys are hurting they turn everything inward. Ignore life and the outside world as much as they can. Well you need to tell him, that he is ignoring you, and hurting your feelings and relationship. If he doesn't come out of it and talk with you then your marriage is going to suffer much more than it already is. I say this from 20 years expierience at marriage.

Answer 6

I think you should give it time.
He is probably just adjusting to what has happened to his parents, and is very sad and upset.

Unlike women, men tend to keep feelings to themselfs and stay quiet and do alot of "thinking" time which they spend alone.

Just be there ready for support when he needs it.

About the kids thing...at the moment that he is going through this adjustment is not a good idea to be talking about kids with him.
Just wait until he is over this and he is calm and doesnt have much stress or things like that in his mind.

If it is stressing you so much and you cant wait for it to blow over, just tell him you are worried about him and want to know if you can do anything to help him.

goodluck.

Answer 7

divorce him get someone will be a husband andwants to be a farther I saw your 360 if i was your husband you'll have to fight me off every night

Answer 8

well sounds like to me .. that he prolly could be cheating on you ... Thats what my ex-bf of 5 yrs did to me when he started cheating on me... men can not hide things very well and when they do they end up shutting ppl out... or he could be thinking that he's made a mistake on getting married b.c of his parents relationship ...

Answer 9

in sickness and in health, for rich or for poor, in good times and in bad. Thats what marriage is, I know its tough at times, but you have to communicate your feelings with him if you ever want this to work.

Answer 10

he definatly has issues and you know you want a steady relationship so move forward