Fighting fair?

Question

Ocassionally my husband and I fight. The problem is I overeact and jump to conclusions too quickly. I do all the things I'm not supposed to do. Name it and I do it (except cheat-totally out of the picture!). How do I argue my case without getting mad, but letting him know he's hurt my feelings. Thanks!

Answer 1

I can relate perfectly, I've been married for 7+ years and I'm not used to, not getting the last word in. It's almost like i'm saying.."well there, and take that" when I'm positve that it means nothing to him. It rolls off his back. I used to be in his shoes with that and I blame myself for being too hard on him or even myself now that it's pittiful, I cry all the time when i never used to! We are long distance right now which may make it a little harder but sometimes there's got to be a snapping point and that takes a lot for me to get to. Best advice I can give and may not be from the right perspective, but just take it easy.Step back and if you catch that rise that you're gonna flare on him, try to stop and walk away or destract it. Make things not such a big deal, be confident and stand your ground. If you show him that the things that usually bother you don't. He may come around. I don't know your strive for attention with the case or even what's going on personally in your lives, but sometimes it's the nature of the beast to just take your needs in view and act on them, but not completely close him out, just let it go in a sense. Alot easier said than done sometimes I'm sure. I am also the type that doesnt like conflict but to men they seem to think we want to argue all the time. So stand up and try to stop for a week or whatever time and goal you give yourself, see what happens, and take it from there. You may find other interest and forget what to argue about. This will make you a stronger person and happier on your level in the long run and also could make you guys happier and/or more solid. Hope this gives you some positive insight. I can understand completely, believe me! Take charge and take care of yourself.

Answer 2

I agree on getting some outside help for self-control issues.
If you are raising your voice and swearing, you are also disrespecting him.
No one has to be "right" or "wrong" about things. You guys see things from completely different angles. Now, if you really dig through all of the relational garbage that you have been throwing at each other, you will find some issues that need dealt with. You both have feelings and should be addressing those feelings.
Screaming about the fact that the garbage wasn't taken out to the curb in time to get picked up by the garbage truck wont fix anything. It will only cause resentment. But, if you tell him how it makes you feel that you cant rely on him to do his share of housework, that is a completely different story.
A counselor can help you work this all out and teach you effective communication strategies.
Good luck and keep working at having a great marriage!

Answer 3

The reason why fighting is not fair because the idea is to hurt the person. The more you see your husband not responding to your views the more it makes you upset, therefore, you would say more things until you get reaction you want.

I know what you want is more of heavy discussion than shouting at each other. Therefore, you have to use maneuvers in order to get your point made.

My suggestion is to always question his reasons of why he believe whatever the subject is about. You have to search for his evidence why he came to that conclusion. Just calmly question his thoughts and then submit your view.

The good news is that you are aware of your ways, and now you need answers to better yourself.

What I would like for you to do is buy a journal. When the next time you over react, immediately record the situation and then how do you feel why you had over reacted. The next day read what you wrote and enter another passage on how do feel now that you have carefully read what happen yesterday, and what should you do the next time it happens.

People always have better insight after they relax and think more carefully. Your journal will teach you to understand your ways and it will bring good changes within you. I will certainly keep you in my prayers. God bless.

Answer 4

First of all, put the word "argue" out of your head!
Second, don't try to discuss anything while you are still upset about it because your emotions will occlude your rational thought process and kick in your nature to react (or argue).
Third, don't tell him how he made you feel or how he hurt you and then wait for his response for validation.
Depending on his response, you will feel the need to convince him further, or prove him wrong, or that his response is unjustified.
That is totally unnecessary, you know how you felt at the time, simply share with him the way that he made you feel in as calm and rational tone that you can and let that be the end of the discussion.
If he asks you why you told him that, simply tell him that you are not sure if he is always aware of how what he does or says affects you and that you simply wanted to tell him to make sure that he is at least aware of it.
Tell him that you are trying to change the way that you deal with problems between the two of you.
You are aware that you overreact and argue too much and feel that by strengthening your own faults you will ultimately strengthen your relationship with him as well.

Answer 5

You Mostly Fight Fair When you fight, you tend to remember your end goal of resolving conflict. However, you can get a little too wrapped up in your own feelings. Remember that there are two sides to every argument. And even if you think you're totally right, you should take more time to hear your partner out. Cancer sun, Virgo moon, Cancer rising

Answer 6

So you have hurt feelings. You know it takes two. So what did you two do to get to the place? Should we say that you are abusing your husband. I had a wife like you. Now she is paying for it really big because she married a drunk. Now she gets her but beat. If you can not talk like as girl then you must not be a woman. It sounds like you have to have ever thing your way. It will not be long before you will be hitting the road. i bet if he said something is black you say it is white.

Answer 7

I don't think that we are taught to fight fair.
If you want him to know
that he has hurt your feelings,
your best bet is to tell him. Then watch for his reaction...
I've been married five times
and I know that "I do not play well with others."
But since 1968, I have learned a lot.
I learned what it takes to walk out of an abusive relationship...It takes a very strong will to survive.
I learned that if you want a relationship to last,
you have to put all your cards on the table.
I learned that money isn't everything to a good marriage.
I also learned that just because your boy friend is hot
before you get married...
On your wedding night, you sometimes discover
that things are not as they seem.
I also learned that it is better to marry someone
who shares the same beliefs as you,
because this marriage stands a better chance of lasting.
I also learned that it is okay
for your husband to also be your best friend.

Answer 8

go and get some professional counseling on anger management, character building, and effective communications skills. you are totally ridiculous. he should have been left your butt. if he was treating you the way you are treating him you would have been left and he needs to do the same at least til you get some help for your craziness. get some help real soon before something happens and you both will be sorry. GodBless

Answer 9

well you just need to stop all that fighting.. maybe i am just lucky and hubby and i never fight and been together 23 yrs. but we both feel if its not going to change our lives for the better we dont fight over it. things need to be talked about yes but fighting is just silly.. fighting is about being Right.. who is right. well maybe one is or maybe the other is or maybe your both right because theres not a wrong answer. so the question for you and your hubby is do either of you have to be right.. sometimes you have to agree to disagree and drop it. someone needs to be the hero and let it go.. good luck

Answer 10

I take it you two haven't been married long if not it comes with time. If your not careful he will find someone that will listen to him calmly and with feeling. What you are doing has driven more men into affairs so be very careful.