Elderly neigbour taking over our lives, any way to stop it?

Question

When we first moved in, we started helping our neighbor by taking her garbage out, opening the door for her, helping her up the stairs.
Now she demands help and gets frustrated if she does not get what she wants. She can come over at 11 pm, usually we go to bed at 10. My husband generally spends up to 45 min. every other night fixing her apartment of listening to her complain. We cannot not open the door, because she knows that we are here.
She wants rides from me (even though she has her children living in the area and she is eligible for a senior pick up). She is too lazy to call the service. When I offer to call, she gets angry. I do not want to be a personal cab!

We are still willing to do the fast chores for her, but the rest is too much. Her children visit maybe once a week, so she is pretty much our responsibility. How to stop this? It is hard to reason with the lady, we need to get involved a third party.

We do tell her politely, she is disabled after all, what if she really needs help?

Answer 1

That is too bad that she is kind of taking advantage of your kindness. Maybe if you notice that her kids are there, go over and ask if you could speak to them and just tell them that you don't want to hurt her feelings, but that you feel overwhelmed by the things that she is asking of you, and you were hoping that maybe they could come by more often, or offer to help her out more. Explain that you would rather her not know that you feel this way and that is why you are telling them, that way her feelings aren't hurt and she is not more angry with you for it. I think that is what I would do. I hope this helps a little, good luck! Although it is nice to know that there are still thoughtful people out there that care about others, thanks for that. :)

Answer 2

There have been a couple of people over the years when I got fed up with their asking for things and just when I started saying no they died and I felt bad that in their last couple of years I didn't or couldn't do more. So I don't know the age of the person who is asking you for help, and maybe she's asking because you are just living close to her, she has dementia and thinks you are her family, or she doesn't have the money or patience to call for someone to come pick her up, or she really likes you guys, and maybe you guys are treating here like a mother and she likes that. But all in all I figure it's probably dementia. Why not talk with her family when they are over and find out who is available to drive her on a permanent basis, so the next time that lady wants a ride you can just give her family a call. Since your husband spends so much time over there, either he has a sympathetic ear or you don't give him enough duties at home or with your own children that he is finding someone to chat with or listen to, or maybe he's learning something thru her (historical) stories. But look at it this way, at least you know where your husband is.

Answer 3

Unfortunately, you will have to put your foot down with her and in a non-subtle way. Both you and your husband will have to have a talk with her (calmly and in normal tones) and tell her you can not continue to be at her beck and call. You are not her servants. She has children that are there for her. If she can not take care of herself, then she needs to discuss it with her children. She is not your responsibility. Tell her that on occasion, you do not mind assisting her. Let her know the limits (talking before 9:00pm, what exactly you are willing to assist her with... she does have her own kids, etc.).

Suggest some things she can get involved with (she sounds lonely with a healthy dose of controlling) in the community for seniors. You may want to find the actual info and present it to her so she has phone numbers and times and locations.

Let her know you don't mind lending a helping hand from time to time, but there have to be limits because you have your own responsibilities and needs. Try to be as kind as possible without being a doormat. Good luck!

Answer 4

She is NOT your responsibility. You were nice to someone that is now trying (and doing a good job at) taking advantage of you. You need to tell her to stop knocking on your door. Since she gets angry when she doesn't get her way , you can be pretty sure its all or nothing for this lady. You need to tell her its OVER. No more favors, no more help. Inform your landlord of the situation in writing in case you need to break a lease and move because of her bothering you IE waking you up at night. The landlord might be able to find someone to take her garbage for a fee.Perhaps there is an agency specializing in helping the elderly in your area. You could refer her to them or vice versa.

Answer 5

Move. There's no easy remedy. She's elderly and actually is looking for companionship as well as help. You could speak with her children. But, I think they probably have the same problem as you have. For now, tell her you are implementing new hours, as you have some personal obligations and post them on your door. Tell her you are able to help her in her apt. one day a week and while you're there, spend some time chatting because that could be what she's really after. Next time she comes with an apartment problem, call the landlord for her and tell her you did so, then bid her goodnight.

Answer 6

Her children only come once a week for a reason lol. Offer your services in GETTING HER SERVICE. Let her know, gently but firmly, that you do not have the time to cater to her. But that you would love to help her contact the senior pick-up people to set up scheduled rides, as well as calling a repairman or whatever she is in dire need of at that time. And I want to say Kudos for having such a generous husband, and you are good hearted people to have helped her that much thusfar.

Answer 7

Awww that's so nice of you to do what you are doing. Don't get too much of an attitude that you won't help her. Simply lay down ground rules with her. If she's going to act like a child then treat her like one. Tell her:
A. when you need a ride i will call senior service for you or you can do it yourself.
B. We will help you up to a certain time during the night....

etc. etc..
make up the rules and send them in a very nice loving card. You are sweet to do what you are doing... don't forget.. she's old and probably getting manipulative because she has nobody. We all get that way. Treat her like you'd want to be treated but don't get abused. You're great!

Answer 8

There is only one way to deal with this situation,and its not easy.Tell her she is interfering with your lives and you cannot help her any more. The reality is that she doesn't need your help she has family and she has social services available to her. The fact that you are afraid to open your door because she will know that you are home is disturbing to me.You may not realize it now but this situation will eventually put a burden on your marriage.You sound like very decent people who are being manipulated by a very sly old woman.

Answer 9

Set limits. Neighbors can be nice, but you are not her relatives, and you are not her children. Set boundaries. And dont feel guilty if you need to cut it off from her completely. She needs to be independant on her own, calling her cab, etc. I think it is highly selfish of her to keep using strangers.

She has a family, let her call them.
Helping her out oncein a while is diffrent than fixing her home, cabbing her around when she wants on your tab, and doing every little thing at her whim. You have a life too.

Answer 10

well, first, it was very nice of you to help the old lady out. did u ever think that maybe she likes spending time with you guys and feels lonely, thats why shes asking so much of you? ok so her children visit her once a week, if she was happy with them then she wouldnt be depending you. i think if she is going over sometimes, just explain to her calmly that you love helping her, but sometimes your priorities get compromised. let her know that you will be there for her when you can. this way, if she knows that you are there, instead of being agitated, then maybe she wont be too bothersome all the time. ....just some advice..