My Mother in law and I have never gotten along. I have tried very hard and even my husband has told her that?

Question

I want us to get along. She told him that I need to deal with the fact that mother in laws and daughter in laws are not supposed to get along. Over the past 20 years there have been so many hurtful things to me. I have finally come to the point that I do not care if I go to visit her. My husband has been going alone lately. She hardly ever comes to my kids games but she did come to the last one. I felt put out because my husband got up and sat with her and left me alone. I asked him why he wasn't sitting by me like we always do and he told me to move down with them. Why does this bother me so much? Should I feel that my husband should have sat by me and perhaps asked his mom to come by us.

Answer 1

Wow, this sure sounds like a version of my old life. My husband would never ever stand up for me to his MoTHer. Hell would have to have frozen over ..>g<. I understand the pain and abandement you felt when your husband decided to "betray" your feelings and left you sitting there alone while he went to his mother. He should have asked her to join you both..... the children is not an easy situation hopefully that will change and she'll see that she's missing a lot..(again I know).
Let me give you a little backround... My MIL had treated me with such hatred over the course of 2 decades..ie. snide remarks...flaunting over the other DIL's (2 )"the one's that "she loved so much"..as she would always say.... she'd give me a pot holder for xmas, while the other DIL'S got beautiful jewerly....etc etc..and my kids? Damn have you ever seen anyone holding a cute newborn baby and not smiling for the picture?....yup>>>my MIL did just that. she is clearly frowning in all their pictures....she even had the aldacity to bring an ex g/f of my husband's to my home for a damn party and thought I'd be fine with the whole thing.....and she wasn't no innocent type girl..<.... I mostly let the hurt and pain of my husband not coming to my defense, simmer inside my soul for many years...so much that it built a wall in my marriage. Frankly,.... it killed it,..... let your feelings be known to your husband and tell him that this is not right. The bible says a man shall leave his father and mother and make his own family. And that means being with/ standing up for/ and putting them first and foremost in his thoughts...surely he must see this....I and my husband lost 28 years...we were friends in HS became bf/gf after graduating....and lived together 6 yrs before getting married...I thought he'd always protect me....and that was my first mistake. After 28 years of my feelings being treaded upon by my mother in law the moment came when I had to decide whether or not to come to her aide. I was the one that took care of her as she laid there dying of cancer.(she had 5 children) And it was me who talked to her during those days...and the one thing she could never understand is why I did what I did for her....I simply looked her in the eyes and said..."Because".
Good luck hun....

Answer 2

she has a twisted idea of the relationships between mother in law and daughter in law, perhaps going back to her own marriage, you husband should have told her to come and sit by you and your husband but the fact he didn't may just be something that you have to ignore unless it becomes a habit. If she hasn't changed in 20 years, she may never change and you simply will have to accept that. The fact that she did come to the last game though may mean that she is softening in her older years and she may even come to regret the rift between you and her over the years if she gets over the idea that mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws can not be friends.
if she is among other seniors, she may even see that she is the only one who thinks that and decide to change for that reason as well.

Answer 3

Your entitled to those feelings, I mean you are his wife right? I think your husband needs to grow a spine and tell his mom that whomever she got this strange "I'm not suppose to get along with my daughter in law no matter what" idea from needs to GROW up because that is TOTALLY delusional and you are missing out on life happiness, and love. Your mother in law sounds childish and self-centered, it sounds like a very wierd yet typical game she is playing and by you getting upset, you let her win and get under your skin.

Your husband should toughen up and see that his mother is being childish and that she should not be allowed to put a wedge between husband and wife.

Answer 4

How old are you???
I married at 23 to a man and got the same kind of mother-in-law.
She's wrong. She just WANTS AN EXCUSE to not get along, and you can tell her and your husband exactly that!

My ex MIL I think was disapproving because of something she subconsciously thought of as a flaw in herself. I suspect the source of her rejection and fault finding of me, AND of my husband was that she subconsciously saw herself as a failure as a mother BECAUSE as a vibrant youngIitalian woman, she married a widower with a child rather than having any babies of her own. What she actually told me ws she had chosen to not have any babies with his dad because she didn't want him shortchanged and not get the affection from her that he deserved as her adopted son. In reality, I had not asked; I new it was none of my business why she had no other children.

So, maybe you've heard comments that could give you hints of what subconsciously is bothering your MIL that she's trying to cover by claiming that MIL's and DIL's aren't supposed to get along. You can wash a LOT of HOGS with that c*** !!!

I guess I was over 40 before I finally gave up worrying about trying to get her to like me. I never refused to socialize with her. I just stopped listening to her. Whenever her antagonistic comments started, my ears automatically turned off and I'd shift to "uh huh, uh huh...."

Don't punish your husband by making him go alone.

Go with him. Show him you love and support him.

When she goes into attack mode, just stop listening.

Recognize that she's got a problem, and it's like an illness that she won't admit, and therefore can't address or cure. Also, it's her right to be unwilling to become a healthy MIL. A healthy MIL is accepting and loving and doesn't antagonize her DIL and says good things TO and ABOUT the DIL. You wouldn't be angry with her for having pneumonia. Well, THIS is her illness. It's a mental illness that you cannot force her to get well from. So forgive her and ignore her bad side.

If asked about her, talk about only her good attributes. if asked about her bad attributes, admit that she's got a problem because she mistakenly believes that MIL's and DIL's can't get along and that unhealthy misconception makes her cantankerous at times.

Don't make your husband choose between you and mom. If she attends the game, go with him to join her. If you don't you risk becoming LIKE her! You don't want that.

I believe you should have joined your husband when he went to sit by his mother, or asked her to come up to join you two at your seats.

Answer 5

Your husband should be on your side. His mother is disrespecting you and the mother to her grandchildren. Maybe she doesn't want to let him go. Tell your husband his mum needs to accept they are together because if she continues to be bitter then you feel feel worse and your kids willpick up on the rift. Your mother in law is being selfish and you have every right to be bothered by it.

Answer 6

Sounds like your hubby is a mamas boy. A husband should stand by his wife. The mom has to learn to let go one day so that he can start his life with you. Although it is true that most mother-daugher in law relationships are hard, your husband should be adement about the fact that he loves you and will stand by you regardless. She should deal with it.

Good luck.

Answer 7

I agree 100%-your husband should have sat by you, and invited his mother to join you. If she chose not to, then he should have stuck by you. It's been 20 years-she needs to bite the bullet and try to get along. In the meantime, you cannot control other people, only the way you react to them. Do not let her affect your mood-it takes practice, but it gets easier the more you try. I watched my paternal grandmother criticize, hurt, and try to manipulate my mother her entire life.

Answer 8

You are correct..

Your husband needs to lay down the law to his mother

he is taking her side.. rather than ur's.. which is causing u pain and hurt feelings..
don't let him get by with this any more.. it is his mother and he needs to set the record correct.. u are his wife..
and she needs to respect that...

and if not..
then u have to except it for what it is..
and not what u want

or leave...

Answer 9

Your MIL obviously had issues with her own MIL at some stage. For her to say "MILs and DILs are not supposed to get along" just smacks of ignorance.

I feel for you having to put up with it for 20 years though, surely she should have gotten over it at least 19 years ago.

Some people cannot be pleased honey, so don't worry about it, like I say it's her problem not yours.

Answer 10

She soulds like a living nightmare to get along with.I would do just as you are doing and stay away from her.She is jelious of you taken her sweet boys time away from her.Pay her no mind.You dont have to be friends with her .If your hubby doesnt like it tell him to go live with his mama.