My ex-husband is doing life in prison?

Question

My ex-husband has been in prison for 15 yrs. He's doing 25 to life. We have a daughter but out of the goodness of my heart have been taking my daughter to see him for those 15 yrs. (my daughter is 15) So, pretty much he's been locked up her whole life. We now only go to see him twice a year. He blames me for him not having a relationship with her. My daughter doesn't ask for him, he's never been in her life. I have raised her by myself.
I am tired of making the drive (2 hours each way to see him). I am totally drained out with his situation and his family who live in the east coast don't come to visit either. Help

Answer 1

I assume your question is "Do I need to keep this up?"

I'm not sure how your husband wound up in prison doing such a severe sentence, but in my opinion, when he put the well-being of his daughter and his wife secondary to his motivation to do the crime, he gave up his rights as a father/husband. Leaving an infant/unborn without a father in her life is about as contemptable as it gets.

You have fought the good fight. I think you have done well to keep your daughter in touch with her father for all of these years. But she is 15 now, and near the age where she needs to make her own decision on this matter. I think it's natural to say to her, "I have done what I can to let you know who your father is, but you are now at an age where you need to decide whether he is going to be a part of your life." If she wants to continue, I would make the effort for her sake. If not, you have certainly lived up to your end of the bargain.

Answer 2

You don't say anything about the other part of your life, after 15 years, this is not really about the drive. Your daughter will be able to drive soon so the end is near for you anyway if you want it to be.
Have you gotton on with your life? What your ex thinks or does not think shouldn't be ruling your life. Unless maybe U R waiting for him????
Has he been writing to her? Has he used his prison bucks to call her, does he put any money in the budget that is supporting her????? Has he done anything to encourage her to want him to be a part of her life, does he remember her birthday, Christmas???? What has he done on his end of the "relationship". Does realise a relationship is a two way street, oops what was I thinking he wouldn't be laying this on you if he did.
There are many books on teens that any self help group, spiritual advisor or shrink could provide him with that will explain why no one "controls" a teen ager, they are young adults with their own minds and a whole life ahead of them and mega doses of hormones.
If you feel the need to accept this negative crap he is putting on you, you can still try to get it thru his thick head that blaming you is like kicking the cat because the dog barked.....
There are lots of books on trying to get something across to another, does he read.......
Kudos to you for taking responsibility for your daughter, now at age 15 she is able to make the decision whether she wants to see her Dad, she may just need a break, I am not a teen any more but I know there are lots of things I would rather do than visit the prison.

Answer 3

I notice that you did,nt mention what crime he commited? Im guessing that he did something awful, I mean 25 to life, usually indicates a serious offense. Ok let me tell ya a bit about my old ex-jail bird boyfriend and father of my 21 year old daughter, he commited armed robbery while I was pregnant, nice guy ha? Any way I took her to visit him just like your doing, it was a long drive and very demanding being that my daughter was a toddler at the time. Years went by and then finally I just kinda grew up, woke up, Im not sure? But I came to realize prison was not a good place for my child to visit, so I stopped bringing her to visit him, and boy was I the bad guy, my ex-made me feel as if I were the criminal, it was all my fault that they didnt have a relationship, and so on and so forth. But you know what? he was wrong! He was the one who commited a serious crime, not me, not my innocent daughter! These guys in prison have a life that is all about them while in prison, somthing happens to these men and they change, almost for the worse. So I stongly recomend that you continue with not taking your daughter to the prison, the person who is getting anything out of the visits is your ex- and most guys in prison get a ego boost out of visitation days, I know Ive gone down this road many times before. The end of my experience with my ex-prison boyfriend was not a good one, he was released from prison and never tried to get ahold of his daughter, isnt that a twist? And he,s out a mere 2 months, and ends up in trouble again, and trys to flee the scene of a crime and gets shot and passed away. As sad and awful as it was, the one I feel the saddness for is his daughter, and its to bad that we as women picked these guys, the only thing my ex ever did was be the sperm doner to my child, and I use that term strongly, he was never a father to her, she has a father and that would be my current husband.

Answer 4

I'm pretty sure he was not a role model before he committed the crime that sent him away for 25+ years yet you chose to be by him and bare his child.That was mistake #1. Mistake #2 is to keep that child from him.Continue taking her twice a year and allow her to make the decision when she turns 18. That would only be 6 more round trips or in simpler terms 24 hours driving time. Have a heart.People make mistakes and sometimes they are extremely huge ones.

Answer 5

Your daughter is now at the age whether she can make a decision regarding her father .. you need to ask her if she wants to see him anymore? Is visiting him affecting her well being? It must be hard for a young girl to visit a prison. If she doesn't want to see him then dont force her .. he cant blame you for the lack of visits from his daughter he should of thought about her and the consequences of doing crime before he committed them. You are the one who has raised your daughter who has been responsibe for her. Good work and good luck you sound like a great mother.

Answer 6

Exactly what parental "rights" does he have? Absolutely NONE! He gave that up after they put him in prison. Your daughter can make up her mind to visit him when she's 18, however CONS will and have CONNED family members all the time. He's conning you and your daughter because he has 24/7 to think about what HIS needs are, not yours or your daughters.

Answer 7

He needs to blame HIMSELF for not having a relationship with her. He's the one in jail; so it's on him. You've been MORE than understanding. You've put more effort into maintaining his relationship with his daughter than HE has....he sits there in the pokey while you do the driving!

If she doesn't want to go, I say age 15 is more than old enough to make that decision. You sound like a good mom, in that you stepped up to go to this extra effort. He's the one doing the time, and there's no reason you and your daughter need to do it too...especially if your daughter isn't into it.

Answer 8

Tough situation.

I wouldn't let him blame you for not getting to see his daughter, he should have thought about that before he did the crime.

As far as you wanting to make the drive or not, that is up to your daughter. I would sit down and ask her what she feels, and if she wants to see him.

Maybe once a month would be ideal so he isn't cut off completely? Again, this is up to you and your daughter.

Answer 9

is it guilt that sends you driving two hours each way?

lousy motivator.

it's never satified.

if only this and if only that, then things would be diff.

but what you got at hand is the only reality you have to work with.

He did the crime
he does the time.

you cannot be his God
God only can be his God.

my advice. Simply tell him. I'm not coming any more.

maybe this will be what drives him to his God.

maybe not.

but you have to move on.

you need a life.

it's scary to let go of the guilt.

do it anyway.

peace

frankie chocolate

Answer 10

You daughter is old enough now to decide if she wants a relationship with her father. Sit her down and talk to her about whether she wants to continue to visit with her dad or not. Do not let him get into your head about the lack of relationship he has with your daughter, he did that all on his own.