Should I leave?

Question

I love my fiance more than life, but he doesn't get along with my 14 year old son, and I think we may be headed for a train wreck because even though my son is no angel, he is my son, and I am the only parent he has ever had. I feel like I'm choosing between my fiance and my son. I guess I know the answer, but I want to get your thoughts.

Calvin, you are incredibly judgmental, and you have no idea what you are talking about. My fiance and I don't even live in the same state, so no, we are not sleeping together. I am NOT setting a bad example for my son. Obviously you have some deep-seated emotional problems, and your judgemental attitude is only trumped your insensitivity and your ignorance.

Jimmy, you, like Calvin, are psychologically imbalanced. Seek help. When I asked if I should leave, I meant it as in leave the relationship. We are both military and we are stationed in different places. He is also currently deployed. For the sake of brevity, I left those details out because they have no bearing on the situation. I don't do the living together thing as you might note from other questions I've answered, though I do not condemn those who do. I am a Christian, but I realize that I am not perfect, and can therefore not throw stones at others. I advise based on my moral values and I am neither crass nor rude. You are obviously different, and you're just not a good person. You probably have no friends in the real world and you seek to be hateful to people that you don't know because you maintain the cloak of anonmity online. Seek help!

Answer 1

i think this is tricky situation you are in. if you choose your son, then you are walking away from the love of life. if you choose the love of your life, then you are crushing the feelings of the love of your world.

i think that the problem you are having is a parenting issue and agreeing how to discipline or making rules and guidelines for your son. you have been doing the decision making for so long by yourself, it is sort of hard to take criticism and critique from someone else.

your son is not use to having a strong male figure around, so of course he is going to resist. in essence this brings tension between the two and it has you caught in the middle. you natural instinct is to defend your own. that's what mother's do, we take our protective stance with our cubs.

you guys may need a neutral party help in resolving this issue. if you want him to play daddy to a child that has never had a father "figure" in his life, you are going to have to open the door to let him in. you can't expect for him to provide a home for him and food for him, but he does not have a say on his behavior or his expectations of how he should behave.

your son is going to have respect that he is a part of your world and that you two are going to work together to provide a life for him.

but you and your fiance are going to have to talk. that is why i suggest that you have a neutral party present, because emotions are going to get involved, words may be said that may become twisted.

if you don't want your fiance to be involved in one aspect of your child's life, then it is not fair for you to expect him to be involved in others.

then you have to think if you are going to have children with him. it is just going to add to the intensity of this relationship between him and your son.

i hope you make the right decision that benefits all.

now if he is doing things to your son like abusing him or just being straight rude and disrespectful, then put your child first.

Answer 2

I guess in this world where lots of things that used to matter a lot and do not seem to anymore...the one thing you could make so clear to your son is that he is number one in you life. I do know this from experience but in a very different situation than yours. You also at the same time need to be firm about this in as nice a way as possible with your fiance. He needs to come to understand that you have had your son to yourself without the father around to help at all. You also have to look at what he says he hopes to gain from marrying you in life. Your son has a few years left at home with you before he graduates high school and goes off to find his own way in this world. And you are going to want to do something as well with your life once your son has gone on to live his. All these thoughts are going to come sooner or later. You all should try to come to some understanding together be it with counceling or some other way. If it is to the point that neither of them can stand each other, don't for the sake of your son make him feel he is less part of your life because you think you need a man in it. Keep him first and then marry later...that is also another option....stay engaged to your fiance until graduation day. These are just sugesstions though. The most important thing is that your son knows he is loved.

Answer 3

Kitten, your relationship with your son is far deeper than that of your fiancee, it should be anyway! He should be adult enough to understand that when he decided to ask you to love him that he was getting the full package, not just you!!!! If he's not man enough to handle that, then I'm afraid that you both have some serious choices to make, because the boy is the main focus right now! You guys will get over what ever you decide to do! Your teenager is dealing with emotions that will effect his behavior for the rest of his adult life, right now!!! The boyfriend needs to grow up!!! Sorry if that sounds a little rough!

Answer 4

Does should I leave , mean ,you are living with this man. Great example to your 14 year old son. Wait and watch the kind of life he leads. Problem is you don't even know you should be ashamed of yourself for living like a fornicating , moral less person. Your son shouldn't fall to far from your example. Don't expect much from him. Why care now if he gets along with anyone. In the future when he doesn't get along he can just go from one woman to the next playing house and making babies. Wake up and start living a life that can be respected now and in the future by both you and your son.

Answer 5

I understand your dilemma. If your fiance is abusive to your son I would leave, but if he simply doesn't get along with him when your son does something wrong I would not leave him, but look into some family counseling or something. Also, I would not get married to your fiance until your son turns 18. In the end it is really your fiance that needs to make a decision on what he can put up with and teenagers are usually difficult.

Answer 6

Talk to your fiance. It's quite obvious you love both ur son and fiance and you shouldn't have to choose. Ask him what bugs him so much and if there's a way where they can sort of meet and settle down half way. Make sure you talk to your son too.
Make sure you're not overscrutinizing the situation, though, although it doesn't seem like you are. Sometimes little feuds are observed to be big ones when really the fiance doesn't mind ur son at all.
But there's really only one way to get to the bottom of this and try and settle it: talk to ur fiance.

If he seems ignorant, yes, you may want to consider letting go of this relationship.

Answer 7

I think before you ruin a good thing, you should seek couseling with the both! Because from what you said you have been the only parent that he knows and I honestly think it could be that he's being extremely spoiled and over-protective!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't write put the fiance first, and I didn't say don't allow him to give input in the raising of your son either because keep in mind with marriage you become one!!!!!!!!!!!!! So if he's stooping to the very immature level with of bickering with your son, then your right you know what to do hold the marriage off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 8

Talk to you kid about what's going on in his head. Do they not get along because your son is not used to having another man around the house? Or because he does not want to share his mother with anyone.

In any event, the two of them should be able to come to an agreement. If not, you'll have 4 more years of trouble.

Answer 9

You will never regret putting your son ahead of your relationship with your fiance. Sadly, you do have to choose. But one day you will find yourself with a grown up young man as a son who will benefit from your dedication. Times may be rough along the way as is the way with most teens, but the arguement will never be that you didn't love him.

Answer 10

Kid comes first. At th esame time kid wont be there forever. Figure out if son is acting up as a control over you. Your son at 14 needs to grow up also and if this man is worthy of respet. start to show it.
Tough choice.