My wife no longer loves me after 8 years of marriage and 2 kids. Help me?

Question

My wife and I haven't been happily married for about 3 years now. We had an argument a few weeks ago about how things were going. I understand now that the majority of our problems were my fault. I quit spending time with her and quit making her feel special. I got selfish, I've been working 2 jobs for the past 2 years and I was more worried about my "alone time" than I was about my family. I know what I need to do to fix things in our relationship but I'm afraid it may be to late. My wife told me she is not in love with me anymore and is not sure if she wants to work it out. She tells me her mind is telling her to stay but her heart wants her to leave. I love my wife and I want to make things right with her but I'm afraid she may be happier with out me. Do I do what may be right for her and leave, give her space to work things out with herself, or do I stay and try to work it out with her and possibly drive her away even more.

Answer 1

Don't make decisions based on what you think is best for your wife. Make decisions that would be best for you! You came a long way to finally realize that you messed up. Now you want to through that away? If you worked for me I would fire you for that kind of defeatist thinking! You need to continue with your original plan, change or actually go back to the way you were! You work 2 jobs so you understand self denial, You understand alone time, now figure out what intimate time is (not sex). Son, you are so close to the final repair of your relationship! Don't focus on her, just you! You want you to change, not for her to have to see this change. She will, but, if you don't focus on her it will be a more rewarding change. One more thing! Flowers need to start arriving! Lots of them at first and a single flower on a stem every week for the rest of her life. No expensive stuff, maybe once in a while, but, just any flower (professionally prepared) will do.

Answer 2

Wes's Granny is obviously sexist so you can't consider much of what she has to say about relationships. I would say that you need to focus on figuring things out yourself just as much as you need to allow her to figure things out. If you were working 2 jobs, then there must have been a reason for it. Unless your wife was working 2 jobs as well and still managed to have time for you, there's no way that most of the blame should be on you. Sure, you may have withdrawn and that is something that you shouldn't have done but if she made coming home feel like it was going to be more of a hassle than a time to enjoy yourself, then we can see why you may have done it. I would say that the two of you need to talk. What ever you do from this point needs to be something that both people are involved in initiating. I would say that if your wife's "heart" doesn't want to be with you then the relationship is most likely over though. If the only reason that she wants to stay is because her "mind" tells her that it's the best strategy for her then there's a big problem. It's sad that you didn't start working out the problem 3 years ago when your relationship began to fall apart but you can't go back in time now. Communication is that key here. It's never too late to try to fix things. Whether it works or not is irrelevant.

Answer 3

If you still love your wife and want to make
things right then do it.
Change your selfish ways and be the husband that you should be.
Start with the words.."I am sorry". Then
change her heart by spending time with her. Make her feel special again. Give her
your genuine affection, not just sex.
Do you really need 2 jobs?
Go away with her on a retreat or cruise even if it is just for a weekend.
Find out what made you both fall in love
the first time and do it again.
or
try a different aproach. Maybe she is looking for a change in her life because it
is bland. She may feel un loved or ugly because you are never around her. Liven it up a notch. Dye your hair
or get new clothes. Act as if she is the only
woman on the planet.
Ask her opinion on more things and take
her advice. Who cares if it is not correct.
What matters is that you loved her enough to ask and accept.
She may feel the grass is greener somewhere else, so let her see it is not.

Answer 4

First, you need to discuss this her as two adults. That means, you both need leave out the fighting and bickering and get down to the heart of the matter, and be COMPLETELY honest. It would likely be impossible to entirely leave the emotion out of it, but try as best you can. Before you both throw in the towel, I would implore you exhaust every other option. Maybe you both change for the other or maybe you try counseling. Please, don't just give up because it difficult now. Don't use a permanent solution to a temporary problem. What I mean is, this difficulty right now MIGHT only be temporary if you both work very hard on your relationship to make things better. You want to find that out before you opt for the permanent solution which would be ending the marriage. Also, you both need to do what is right for you, and no one else. Don't stay together just for the kids, that will do them more harm than good in the long run and might give them a bad perception of relationships and marraige as they grow older. You don't have control over what she is going to do, but do have control over what you will do. If you follow this advice and use it as a guideline, things will work out.

Answer 5

Leave and if there is hope try to work things out. Give her space. I know what you mean about being gone all the time Im in that boat myself. I love my husband though, however its not always true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I just feel he'd rather be racing then with us and we have a 16 month old and recently my daughter passed away. My husband works out of town (owns his own business) leaves Monday at 530am comes home Weds at 7pm goes to work on Thursday is home at 7pm if he doesnt stop to work on his damn RC car (the nitro kind). Friday all he talks about is the damn cars having to work on them or drive and every weekend he is gone racing. Last weekend he was 200 miles away ON MY BIRTHDAY this weekend he is 8 hrs away. Its getting hard to have a relationship when he's not here thats all I have to say and honestly if it wasnt for our son I just might leave. But thinking about it just how much time is our son now age 16 months seeing dad, not often because he screams and cries the second his dad walks out even if its just to the car thinking he's not coming back

Answer 6

I think you should do both.

She should have the choice to freely leave if she needs the space, and yet if she is willing to work it out, then she can also do that as well.

Put the ball in her court because she is the one who expressed the unhappiness. If her mind says stay, and her heart says no, then it may be best to separate. Sometimes being apart makes you think about how much you value a person.

Answer 7

I feel she is just telling you she does not love you to see how you react. But if you are sure she wants to end it, Try to work things out. If nothign succeeds then give her space let her think things over. If not then might as well leave it be and go on with your life, FInd someone who will love you for you but you also have to make time to be with the one you willbe with and not make the same mistakes you did now. We all make mistakes and we learn from them. If your wife leaves without working things out then she really did not love you at all. I for one would try to work things out even if we had to go to counciling if that was the case, But honestly good luck and hope all works for the best for you.

Answer 8

Show her the man you once were; the one she married. She has built up a wall around her heart in defense of what she has been through. Get back to that place where you both were so much in love. What did you do back then? Did you compliment her? Send her little love notes? Thank her for things she did for you? Did you let her know how desireable and beautiful you felt she was? There is still much hope; don't give up without a fight for what you love.

Answer 9

If you have kids, you should stay married. It is hard to be divorced and my ex is now dating a woman that I do not approve of at all. She has two children who are wild and out of control, but I have no say in the matter. My children are being influenced by them and I just have to put up with it. Good thing they only go there every other weekend. I thought I was making a good decision by getting divorced, but now I see maybe we should have tried counseling.

If you get divorced you can bet at some point she will have another man in her house with your kids raising them. He will be teaching them values which maybe won't go with what you want them to know.

Work it out.

Answer 10

Hang on for dear life my friend. Don't give up. If you have realized your problem then you are half way there. It is not supposed to be easy. I know being the bread winner of the family is difficult. Bringing home the bacon and loving your wife unconditionally is possible. Remember why you love her and why you are willing to sacrifice yourself to the alter of capitalism. You know as well as I do you took two jobs to make her happy. Let her know your reasons. Women require reasons. Beg her to forgive you. "NEVER GIVE UP....... NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!" It will be worth it in the end. Stay with it you are on the right path to healing your marriage.
Good Luck, Jason G.