We never met or spoke on the phone after we acknowledged our feelings because we felt it was not right to cheat on our spouses. So we just exchanged emails and got close.
But last week after reading some ethical quotes I felt it morally right to send him an email and tell him its over. He also accepted but was very upset.
I am happy that I took the strong decision to end it but also feel very sad and in low spirits. Will I be able to get over it and would he be able to get over it?
2007-10-07 02:00:25 · 12 answers · asked by woman28 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
All relationships evolve. They can go in any direction and a number of variables effect their nature, purpose, and fucntion in our lifes.
Some are based on common interests, some on shared history and some on emotional and/or physical levels. They can be simple or very complex and of course there are other attractions or combinations I didn't mention ...but you get the idea.
It is important to define and communicate boundaries in relationships as they evolve,otherwise; the "expection gap" becomes very wide. (This is also the problem with the friendship you described). It can only grow so far ...due to the built in limits and restrictions. Affairs (no matter how deep or superficial) have a terminal point by the limitation/restrictions of their boundaries.
I think you can see it served a purpose and function. Others might not agree but, it indirectly might have saved a marriage for one or both of you (a bandaid). Remember, when you "self-disclose" to others...it creates a feeling of trust ...an intimacy delvelops! That is how a lot of these relationship that start out platonic and innocent become more involved. Truth be known they are very common.
The summary of this is...of course you are going to feel sad. I think you might feel some relief at the same time. This is a good opportunity to grow for you. Use the time and energy to do some self inventory as you have. Plan some personal development. A really good therapist would be non-judgmental and help you take an objective look.
After you work through your loss ...you will have more energy to address what you need to do for yourself. A lot of times affairs serve as crutches to deal with a marriage that is lacking. Affairs become painful and burdensome usually. The right therapist could really be supportive to you and help you understand all the dynamics without sending you on a guilt trip (you don't need that at all). You will become incredibly wise and strong.
I can tell you are psychologically minded and you will piece this all together. Everything will resolve. The worst part is what you have already done....just don't go back to grieving it with him...or wondering how he is handling it. That is the kind of thing that bonded you in the first place. You both are very vulnerable at this stage.
See a therapist. Tell them you want to honestly and objectively review a problem and outline a game plan...wrapping it up in no more than three visits total. You can make it longer if you want to later. That will get you vented and organized. You sound like a strong healthy person...that deserves to be happy.
My best answer good luck!
2007-10-07 02:57:37 · answer #1 · answered by Steve 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, congratulations on having the courage to end this unhealthy relationship so you can be open and available to have a healthy one with your hubby!
Now that the relief of ending it is wearing off, focus on your relationship with hubby.
One quick fix - anytime you're miss your platonic friend, find hubby and hug him and tell him how happy you are to be with him and be his wife... it may ne "feel" right immediately, but it will in a short while.
Like others suggested, find out what it is you got from platonic friend and see about getting that with hubby. Look past your 'history" with hubby and see if you can be more like his GF than his "wife with history"... hope this makes sense...
If you need to talk about this, do not do so with hubby - he will be hurt that you had an intimate friendship with another male. Instead, go to a good female friend or journal (in a way hubby cannot find your writing!) about your thoughts and feelings...
Do not try for perfect with hubby right now - go for "pretty good" and keep at it...
Congrats and good luck!!
2007-10-07 02:43:10 · answer #2 · answered by Gatubella 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Only you can know how long or when you'll get over something like that. But I'll pose another question to you: do you have the same closeness with your current spouse? If not, you should explore possibilities for re-developing that kind of closeness or end the relationship. Since your married, I would advise you to put forth great effort in establishing that closeness with your spouse before you think of ending your relationship.
2007-10-07 02:06:21 · answer #3 · answered by backburner001 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I think that if you keep close to a special friend and keep it platonic, you will have a life long friend. However, when you express you feelings, it has gone beyond a platonic relationship. Always remember that an emotional affair is no different than having a physical affair. yo made the right choice.
2007-10-07 02:32:05 · answer #4 · answered by Steve H 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes...
Why would you do that to yourself and him in the first place? Maybe learn to ask yourself some questions like: Do I need validation from an outside party to have a good marriage? Why would I need to talk to someone else other than my husband? Should I communicate with my husband my needs in a kind and loving way? How will he respond? Do we need counseling?
Thats a lot to take in but why be married if you are not into the marriage?
2007-10-07 02:27:45 · answer #5 · answered by kim 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Congrats on making the right decision. And the both of you will get over it. You will miss the connection but find out things to do
2007-10-07 02:18:10 · answer #6 · answered by Bob D 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, you will both be able to get over it. You both need to turn that special friendship to your spouses whom you have married and given vows to be faithful, to love 'til death you parts, etc. Whatever you need from someone else you should find in your best friend for life, your husband - not look for it in another man.
2007-10-07 02:06:29 · answer #7 · answered by Princess Picalilly 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
More importantly, why do you need an outsider to fulfill whatever he was fulfilling? Are you not able to communicate these needs to your spouse? Perhaps that's a more important issue! Best of luck!
2007-10-07 02:03:01 · answer #8 · answered by Pat Smear 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
try platonic love with your spouse itself. Sounds a bit confusing but I used to do it some times with my wife.
2007-10-07 03:02:28 · answer #9 · answered by explorer 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Of coarse both of you will "get over" it...it make take some time because it was an emotional friendship....so there was a deeper connection.
2007-10-07 02:12:14 · answer #10 · answered by purplebee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋