about separation?

Question

I have been married 33 yrs. My wife and I had a very bad arguement and now we have been separated for 8 months. Things were getting pretty bad for the last 5 yrs. She says she wants to work things out but we haven't started yet. I am wondering if anyone else has been separated for a long time and then gotten back together? How long were you separated and have things worked out for the best? I just wonder if early reconciliation works better than late or long term reconciliation? Any answers?

Answer 1

I'm sorry this has happened to you......when you don't have a solution and you want the marriage to continue you go for counseling.

We've been married 32 years and if we had a problem we couldn't fix we would get counseling.

Answer 2

If you were married for 33 years and only started having problems the last 5, it may well be that you just needed an unbiased 3rd party to help you get over some rough spots and you wouldn't have had the separation at all. What you did during the 8 months may have a lot to do with whether a reconciliation will work. If you both missed each other and just stayed apart that long because neither was willing to make the first move, or even if you both just needed some space, with a little counseling now you should be over to get back together regardless of how long you were separated.because of the 28 years you were together without the arguments.

Answer 3

33 years is a long time... Hats off to you for that long... I value marriage very much, but we all hit our trying days... We are only at 15 years here... And I have had a couple of days where I feel like I am ready to walk out... Even thinking of ways to make it happen...

Every situation is different, I am going on limited info here, and not to mention I feel almost in vain to attempt to give advice to 33 years of commitment...

DO YOU want to work it out? Do you miss what you had? Are you happier or more sad without her? Have you asked yourself any of these questions? If not then take the time to be in a place where you can think clear, and answer from your heart and soul... See what it takes you to...

I have never been separated and 8 months does sound like a long time... When hubby and I separated we were not even married yet, it lasted a whole day... That was with me moving my self four hours away from where he was... I was ready to make a clean break then and funny when I hit that point he is ready to say he is sorry... Don't quite get the mans "over loaded" ego.. Not even now I don't...

Something to consider, never let your ego stand in the way of your heart...

I wish the very best for you and your wife... I hope you find the answer your looking for...

Very genuine and sincere, I am amazed at 33 years...

Answer 4

Of course the marriage can be saved despite even a lengthy separation, just be CAREFUL of a few things:

make SURE that whatever issues you had which caused the separation are either gone or you are choosing consciously to work on them together....otherwise, you'll just end up at the same place again.

Also, remember that coming together after a separation can feel a lot like a "honeymoon" kind of thing.....falling in love again, etc. Because you've been apart. Don't let that fool you into thinking that all the problems you had are automatically gone. They aren't.

Answer 5

If you still love her, then I'd say work on reconciliation. I don't think it matters the length of time you've been separated. It's about how you feel about that person. Good luck hun.

Answer 6

anything can be worked out with communication, and maybe some Christan counseling with the exception of betrayal. i don't think that the time matters, it has more to do with the people wanting the reconciliation, and if they are willing to communicate and sacrifice. best to go to counseling, and communicate, and see where its at before u go back.

Answer 7

my husband and i have been married for 6 yrs but last year we were having makor issues and seperated for about 2 months ..i came back because he was crying begging me to come back and saying he would go to marriage counseling and that he would change ...BUT the thuth is nothing change ..he didn't keep his word and we are in the same boat again ! it sucks ! we are still together but i know he wants out..i still love him very much and would do anything to save my marriage and my family...we have two little boys..but lets see what happends....good luck to you an what ever you decide....

Answer 8

Time...........You need more time to know what you really want.You need time to decide.At this point,time won't hurt you.You have nothing to loose.Collect your thoughts and find out if you want to be with her again.It takes two.She has to want it too.Marriage canceling would help.But trying would give you a closure.If it doesn't work,at least you know you've tried.Good luck.

Answer 9

That's a long time to be married. I am not married myself, but I am in a serious relationship with a wonderful person. As you know, a marriage takes commitment... and all marriages reach that stale point where the couple may possibly wonder if this is where they truly want to be.

It's inevitable. To keep the fire burning, you have to constantly work at things every day... show your appreciation in little ways, and make a conscious effort to do so daily.

I'm a firm believer that if a couple is married, no matter what happens (unless adultery, substance abuse, or physical/verbal abuse is present) they should do whatever they can to work things out... simply because they CAN.

I will recommend two books for you. One of them I lent to a friend, and never got back, so I didn't finish it. It is called "Divorce Busting." This book will display why couples tend to split up, and what they can do to see past the "myths" of the need to separate.

Another one, and a simpler and quicker one (this one I DID read, and then gave to my boyfriend) is called "The 5 Love Languages." This book will show you how to understand your spouse's "love language" - that is, how to make her feel loved in the way that SHE needs, and vice versa. It's so simple, but truly amazing, and so MANY people have fixed doomed marriages because of this book, or counseling sessions with the author.

It sounds to me like you truly love your wife, and I'm sure she loves you too. People who have been together that long don't REALLY "fall out of love." They just forget how to show it. It's easy to get comfortable, lax, and selfish in a relationship. That doesn't make us bad people. As human beings, that's how we tend to get over time. We get too comfortable, and that's when things start to slide.

Most people don't notice this transition, so it gets worse, and worse.

But if you take the time to do the little things that count every day... you WILL see results.

GET THAT BOOK. I'm telling you, it's amazing.

Think back to how things were when you started dating. What was it that made you fall for her, and what was it that made her fall for you? Have you stopped doing those things and acting in those ways? Probably. And that's normal.

Remember some of the good times you've had and try to recreate those memories. Leave her little notes here and there. Start leaving cards on her bedside. Buy her flowers. These little gifts will be more exciting if you surprise her by leaving them out for her.

Go through some old photos and find the ones you like best of the two of you. Leave them out for her with a little note attached. Take her to her favorite restaurant. Tell her how beautiful she is.

Women love compliments. They like to be listened to. Sitting down and talking with her, giving her your undivided attention is something she will fully appreciate, if you haven't already done that.

My boyfriend would focus on his video games (I'm not kidding... this generation of men, I'm tellin' ya!!) while I'd be sitting there, bored out of my mind, and starving for affection.
I didn't understand why he considered this "quality time."

I literally had to say, "Can we have the tv off?"
"Why?"
I want to spend time with you."
"We ARE spending time."
"Well, I want you to pay some attention to me."
"I AM paying attention to you."
"Well, I want to talk to you."

So he turned it off, sat up, turned to me, looked me in the eyes and said, "What?"

He thought I just had something I wanted to say. I just wanted him to look at me and give me his undivided attention... for just a few minutes.

Now that he knows that, he makes a conscious effort to do the little things that make me happy. He hates holding hands. Yet still, he reaches for mine because he knows it makes me fee loved.

He'll mimic me in a whiny voice and say, "Come ccuuuddle with with me! I want you to hooold meee!" and then he'll grab me and get cozy. Although he's making fun, he's only teasing, and letting me know that he understands that's something I need to feel loved, and that he's willing and able to give it to me.

He bought me a four dollar VCR and a video tape from a thrift store, and he didn't understand why I gushed about it for days after. He had never bought me anything before, and it wasn't the price, but the thought that counted.

I also make sure to tell my friends/family the nice things he's done for me and how they've made me feel... in FRONT of him. That is an EXCELLENT idea, and ALWAYS gains positivity from your significant other. They love when you "brag" about them.

You CAN make this work if both of you recognize that you still CAN love one another. Love is not an emotion, but a choice. You won't always feel it, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. If you felt that you loved her enough to marry her, you must love her still. And vice versa. You have to learn how to recognize it and how to show it by the little things in everyday life that matter.

Get that book. It can change your life today. :)

Answer 10

it doesn't matter how long you've been apart. if you love her and you want to work it out, that's what you should do. take some initiative. you make the first move if that's what you want.