My daughter?

Question

Last week I walked into my daughter's room thinking she wasn't home and I caught her having sex with her best friend. Obviously her friend is also a girl or I wouldn't be here. They are both 16. If she's gay then that's ok with me; I love her no matter what.

If she were having sex with a guy at her age, I wouldn't allow it. I also feel like a hypocrite because I was fooling around with guys at her age. I'm realistic that if these two are emotionally involved that they'll find a way to be together if I forbid it.

They've been friends for years now and there's no way I could break up their friendship even if I wanted to. I'm not sure I do want them apart though, it's normal for her to date at this age and she'd hate me if I denied her that. I just can't give her the impression that I approve of her having sex with anyone at her age but I don't want her to think there's anything wrong with being gay.

Have any of you gone through this? How did you want your parents to react?

She and I haven't really spoken about it since it happened. Not in depth anyway. It's so awkward and I don't know what to do.

To anyone who believes otherwise: Neither my daughter or any other gay or bisexual person is "sick" for being born as such. I want her to be happy and well adjusted, I don't care which sex she is attracted to.

To the other people: thank you for your responses, they are most helpful.

We have talked since the incident (just not about sex) and she tells me that she is gay and she's known for years, which, I've suspected for some time. I'd already accepted this. This is not a question of her orientation, it's only about the sex issue. I guess I've known what to do all along. It's just so hard, she's my little girl but obviously she's growing up. I just have to bite the bullet and tell her that she doesn't have to hide that they are involved, that I don't approve of her having sex in our house (or anywhere else for that matter) and leave it to her to hopefully listen and respect my wishes.

Answer 1

I'm a lesbian and a mother of a 16 year old bisexual daughter. Same rules apply to girls and/or guys. Sexual activity in my home is not permitted, I am going to grill a girl just as much as I would a boy. As far as her being friends and obviously more with this girl, fine. But, in my opinion, I wouldn't be allowing any more spend the night sessions or in the room with the doors closed.

Answer 2

Well, since you were messing around at your age and since 16 is a perfectly normal age to begin these things, you shouldn't stop her from having sex. Further, you shouldn't want to stop her from having sex with her friend since they obviously formed an emotional bond before getting into this. The best thing I can suggest is to inform her that no matter what the sex of the person she has sex with, she should make sure it's safe at all times. You should also do a little research on the issue and show her some information about lesbian relationships so she can better understand her own feelings. Make sure you get the point across, early and with no room for interpretation, that you are perfectly fine with whatever sexual orientation she chooses, but you expect her in any case to make wise decisions about her partners and her safety with them. She should also recognize that many lesbian relationships, being with two women, are much more emotionally-fueled than most, and should be taken seriously. She should also tread lightly with the relationship with her friend so as not to ruin a long friendship. Best of luck to both of you.

Answer 3

I could come from both points of view being a 21 year old mother. I understand where you are coming from as far as feeling a double standard about the difference between the lover being a male and being a female. Because with a female, there's no getting pregnant but then again, no parent wants to imagine their child having sex with anybody, male or female. you are definitely smart to realize that they will find a way to do it regardless of whether you approve or not. On the other hand unfortunately, being young nowdays, sex is no longer a special thing it's just a thing now. I commend you on being supportive of you daughter no matter what she does, because thats what conditional love is all about. From here, the uncomfortable part is discussing it and I'm sure your daughter is probably mortified by you catching them. I think you should just be honest and open about what you saw and let her know how you feel and where you stand. My dad did that because the father of my son is black and he didn't approve but he didn't want to lose me or his grandson. now he and my boyfriend get along very well. The hard part is that no matter what, she will either respect your wishes and not have sex or do it anyway, I don't think you will be the wiser on either decision she makes because it will still probably happen secretly. Kids and teens become grown so fast nowdays that telling them not to have sex is like telling them not to dress how they want to. They do it anyway most of time. Whatever you and her decide, please make sure that she knows how much you love her and will always love her for who she is. good luck.

Answer 4

Boy! This is a tough one. Maybe I'm in the wrong room or something.
I read the responses from some others as a matter of interest.
I think that your coming from a place that speaks 'well, at least she won't get pregnant'.
So, with that in mind, I think she apparently saw you when you went into her room and now I'm not sure what went on after that since you both know of it.
Talk with her about it. You know that honestly doesn't mean a whole lot until she's absolutely sure she's gay.
She could be bi or she and her friend could have been just experimenting.
Just talk with her as an interested party and you don't have to mention your own sexual experiences when you were young either. Maybe when she's an adult you can confide but it's too early yet for that kind of confidence. Your still her Mother and expected to help guide her and that doesn't include permissiveness on your part.
Her inability to secure her room against unwanted entry should tell you something too! In a way that could be taken that she wants you to know and wants to see what line of inquiry you take.
Thanks

Answer 5

Can I just say how refreshing it is to find a parent who obviously cares so much for her daughter. I don't know you but from what I gather, you're a great parent.

I think you should ask yourself exactly why you don't want your daughter having sex. With lesbian sex obviously there is no chance of her getting pregnant and her chances of catching things like HIV are miniscule. 16 nowadays really isn't young... looking back to when I was 16 I was practically an adult by that age.

If you do feel uncomfortable with her having sex in your house though then I would let her know. Tell her you have absolutely no problem with her sexuality but you don't want her having sex in the house. To be honest I think it would be safer if you just left her to it because no doubt they'll find other places but if you think it's best then I'm sure she'd understand. If they've been best friends for years and they've slept in the same room etc during this time then I wouldn't forbid them to do so now... just make it clear that respect works both ways and I'm sure she'll honour your wishes.

I would think about your reasoning behind why she shouldn't have sex though... at 16 what would be wrong with it? Children are growing up faster now and you can't keep them children forever.

Answer 6

I'm not really in the position to answer this, I am neither a mother, nor have I been put in any similar position. But I think more than anything, you need to say it flat-out to your daughter that you support her and that you love her. You wrote it out beautifully, now have the talk with your daughter, the awkwardness won't go away by itself. Let her know that you don't want her having sex at this age, and that if it were a guy, it would be a no-no as well, because she's simply too young. Just be ready to hear her out.
Best of luck....I hope the conversation goes well.

Answer 7

I'm a father too and I understand you well
I also have a daughter
do not forget your teen years in some times or some situations in that age we all do some thing that not meant we want that having sex with some body is a mystery specially in teenagers so I think when you saw them you should feel that your daughter is not a little girl she is now bigger than you thought and give her more time and when she will ready she, herself may want to have a normal sex life
then it is her own decision that want be a lesbian or else.
and for yourself forget what you saw and let her grow up with your guidance and also with help of your wife that should be use full.

Answer 8

First of all, I think your daughter is lucky to have a mother like you who will accept her no matter what. I think it's rare that a parent realizes that if you forbid a child to do something, it'll only make them want to do it more--you are very wise.

If you want to confront, her, just say very simply that you love her no matter what her orientation is and that doesn't matter to you. Also tell her that regardless of where her orientation lies, you do not approve of her having sex. Period.

However, you certainly understand that by telling her you do not approve of it, she'll only want to do it more. Maybe saying something along the lines of, "I do not approve of it but I will allow it as long as it is safe," would be acceptable--but only you know your daughter best and what you want for her.

Again, I think you are a great role model for all parents of LGBT children out there and I thank you for being you. Good luck!

Answer 9

She may be gay, bi, or just experimenting. I think you should talk to her and let her know that no matter what her decisions are, you will love her, like you stated here. Also be honest and let her know that when you were her age you were sexually active, but let her know that you are concerned because of diseases ect. If she is already sexually active, no matter what you say or do isn't going to stop it. She will find a way and place to do it. Best thing to do is be supportive and let her know you are there for her if she needs to talk about anything. Also, suggest getting her on birth control. Whats not to say she is also into guys, or even, heven forbid, she gets raped.
Again, just be supportive of what ever decision she makes. Thats really all that matters to teens

Answer 10

Well I am a lesbian and I too was involved with a best friend..my mom however never caught us, the only thing I can say is talk to her calmly and let her know that her being gay is no issue, it is the fact that at her age she shouldn't be having sex with anyone. Just let her know that you love her and try to be there for her as much as possible.