we have been married 1 year, he confessed (after I forced him) that he has been cheating with his ex girlfriend. He wants to make a go of things and says he will never do this again. what do I do?
2007-10-06 10:06:24 · 57 answers · asked by sharon K 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Leave him. He is a liar and a cheat. He will never change.
2007-10-06 10:09:25 · answer #1 · answered by Fiona NYC 4 · 4⤊ 1⤋
You haven't been married long and the first year is usually hell on legs with both of you trying to find your feet and get used to the new situation. I think you need to find out why it happened now. Did he have a sudden commitment panic? In a sense, you have to drag him kicking and screaming into this marriage and let both of you make a real go of it (if you feel you can). Without clouding your commitment, I wonder if you could make sure that, if he strays again, you have things in place to make a break easily i.e. money and a place to go? Firstly, you have to decide whether you can indeed forgive him (and forget - no point in dragging his affair into every future row). If you decide you can do this, then you have to put down certain limits of behaviour on his part. He must not see this ex again or have any contact with her - he should be making this call in front of you to prove to you that he means it. He should be where he says he is going to be for the foreseeable future and be contactable whenever you want. This is a small price to pay for him to regain your trust. If he is serious about wanting to make things work, he will agree to any conditions you see fit. If he has a problem agreeing to any of your terms, then I am afraid that you might have to review the whole marriage. I think you still love him very much and I do hope that he gives back the love to the same degree. Good luck.
2007-10-06 11:08:52 · answer #2 · answered by AUNTY EM 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I was married to a man for 7 years that was a cheater and also a wife beater. I stayed in the marriage for that long because I felt that I didn't have any where to go and there were two children. I spent our first anniversary with his sisters while he spent it with his ex-girlfriend. He said it would never happen again. I heard that song so many times that it isn't even funny. I even stayed with him while he moved his girlfriend down from New Hampshire to North Carolina. I was seven months pregnant with our second child at the time. He rented her a house a couple blocks away and divided his time between her and me. Of course he said it was over with her and "it won't happen again". We got divorced and he married her 5 days later. He did the same thing to her as well. Once a cheater always a cheater. He figures that he can convince you that he has changed and "have his cake and eat it too" so as the old saying goes. No one can tell you what the best remedy is, but don't believe everything that he says as gospel.
2007-10-06 10:17:03 · answer #3 · answered by thumper 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think the fact you "forced him" to tell you pretty much gives it away - he WASN'T going to tell you of his own accord. I always think that 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' with a few exceptions but I think, in your heart, you know the answer, You know it but do you know you know it? My boyfriends dad was still married to his mum and had two young children (7, 5) when he cheated and his mum only found out from her friend who heard it in a salon. Be thankful you at least found out because otherwise how long would it have continued for? He may genuinely want to make a go of it but is he just saying it so he won't kick you out and then he has it easy? Good luck in whatever you decide
2007-10-07 04:45:45 · answer #4 · answered by ? 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is hard to be in a relationship with someone you don't trust. Even though you may love him a lot, it is hard to think that he will change. Maybe he can change, at least short term, but can that change last? In the back of your mind, you may always question if he is cheating on you again. If you can live like that and you sincerely think that things will be different, then try to work things out. The thought that he is doing it again may stay with you though and ruin the chance of things ever being the same, and if that is the case, move on. Sorry that you are in this situation!
2007-10-06 12:03:45 · answer #5 · answered by throw_strikes2006 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It's up to you my husband was the same and the first time he said he'd never do it again I had 2 small children at the time so I let it go BIG mistake he cheated again and again I put up with it as he worked away, from others in the same boat they have cheated again maybe he deserves a chance only you will wonder where he is when not with you or at work.
2007-10-06 10:17:09 · answer #6 · answered by Bernie c 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
leave him while you can. You had to FORCE him to confess - if he hadn't been caught out then he would still be at it now. I am sorry to sound harsh but you will always be on the backfoot in this relationship. He didn't love or respect you enough to keep his hands to himself and to put his marriage first. You don't want a man like that do you - it will be a marriage where there is no trust - come on, hold your head up high and start again. There are plenty of men out there who would never dream of doing that to you - why settle for a messer?
2007-10-06 10:15:49 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Tough one.
It's always hard to make a decision.
In my opinion you can't find two men that are the same.
I think it depends on what do you feel about this.
There are MEN and MEN. You can have a man that is cheating, but in the same time is THE ONE for you and ...you can be with a man that doesn't even look around but he is behaving with you like you were his donkey (imagine here the animal that does all the hard work and supports the yelling of the master)
Darling, the answer does not depend on him.
It's all about you. Can you accept this or that?
I think you should take a minute and see if you can be with him from now on. If you think you will be able to forget it it's fine. But if you say (even to yourself) that you will stay, because you want to work this out, do so. When you take decisions like this you should be prepared. You can't say (not for once) "you fucked her !!!" when you fight. (because you will have another misunderstandings - that's life) If you are not prepared to let go, it will hunt you forever.
So leave him now if you know you can't forget it. It's much better then the alternative. To yell at him after 10 years and 2 children that he cheated in the first year.
:) Look at me. Giving advices about letting go, when I am not able to do this myself.
I'm still here. There are days when I regret, and there are days when I regret regretting if you know what i mean.
Good luck. :)
2007-10-06 10:09:17 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 3⤋
Wow. Well, if he's cheated you have every right to terminate the relationship if this is what you want to do.
But... if he truly is sincere and you believe in a change of heart... I'd say give it a chance. You'll be able to tell is he does it again, and the second time, no way you should take him back.
2007-10-09 02:03:34 · answer #9 · answered by ellenoid 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Huh if you had to force him to confess he may have more than that one women under his belt. I don't think that this is the place you need to find help but try a councilor. My opinion is that if he couldn't come clean on his own he will never be trustworthy and may cheat again so I'd probably drop him. Before you take my advice though definitely seek marriage counseling.
2007-10-06 10:14:19 · answer #10 · answered by robbodabbo2004 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
What do you think??? Only you can really decide if leaving him is the answer.
The fact that you are married makes it harder I think. And after a year-so soon to return to his ex girlfriend. I think he wasn't ready to get married. But you are married to each other now. Do you think you could trust him again if you stayed with him?? Do you think he would behave?? Could you get over what he has done-truelly forgive without forever rubbing his dirty little nose in it?? Is he worth hanging on to?? Lots for you to think about,but only you can figure out if he is worth trying for.
If it was me, I would dump him without a second thought if we weren't married. Okay I would have second thoughts, and third ones too. I would be totally disgusted for a start, I would feel betrayed, extremely hurt, and I wouldn't be in a great hurry to forgive him or give him a chance to do it all over again.
But if I was married to him-OMG I would have to consider keeping him!! And that to me would be considered with a lot of thought-deep deep thought!! The pros and cons,,,is he worth it ,bla bla bla. I would not let him off so easily I can say that. Trust would be a major issue I think. After a year he was so quick to jump in the sack with his ex,,OMG,hmmmmmmmmmm!!! I would think,soul search,think and think some more!! Is he worth it????
What do you think!!!!?????
Best wishes whatever you decide!!
2007-10-06 19:31:48 · answer #11 · answered by Forgetmenotshell 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋