Co-Worker may have Asperger's Syndrome. What to do?

Question

I have a co-worker who I've worked with for the past 9 years. He works at my finace's business (hes also a part owner) and I imagine I will be dealing with him for many more years to come. He has always been strange and hard to deal with. Just recently somebody mentioned to us that the behavior we described in him may be aspergers. Ive researched the disease and I am convinced he has it. The thing is, I dont think hes ever been diagnosed. He is very arrogant and I know any mention of him having a disorder and he would go through the roof, claiming he is fine.
He drives us all crazy at work because of his rudeness, arrogance and lack of judgement. We get into fights constantly. I just dont know how to deal with him and it makes it even harder that I know he has aspegers and he doesnt.

Wondering if anyone who has aspergers or anyone who has experience dealing with ppl with aspergers can give me some advice on how to handle this situation.

Like I said, I researched this disease and he has almost every single symptom that comes with aspergers. This is why I believe he has it. It seems pretty obvious to me and everyone else who has read the symptoms that knows him, that he has it. Im not trying to diagnose anybody. Im trying to understand this guy and deal with him better.

OH and to Conrey, what are you talking about? My finace OWNS the business and is the CEO. This other guy is just a small partial owner and he doesnt do any of the accounting or other important duties. So how could my fiance be out of a job if he is the CEO?
That makes no sense.

Answer 1

Sara - where do you get your information about AS?

You said: "Asperger people are not rude or arrogant, because those are traits that require intention. Asperger people just don't understand how to use social skills properly. Rude or arrogant implies that he thinks he's better than you. If he's Asperger's that is not the root of his problem." -- your answer might be appropriate if we were talking about a 6 year old but this is not the case.

Where is it defined unequivocally that rudeness or arrogance require intention? That aside, I have been living with someone with AS for over 15 years and they can be rude and arrogant. In fact if you just read any of the current books on AS -- especially the ones by Tony Attwood who is one of the foremost specialists on AS, you will learn that arrogance is very common with people with Aspergers because they have issues with "Theory of Mind" and in their "reality" they are the only ones who are correct, and many times have a "know-it-all" attitude.

Snailysnal - from what you describe there is definitely a possibility that you are dealing with someone with AS, and as other people have mentioned, you cannot change him and he is most likely unaware of how his behavior affects other people.

What you can do (which kind of sucks, but this is the reality of the situation- that you have to be the one "doing") is learn as much as possible about AS, keeping in mind that each individual has their own unique set of characteristics and remind yourself frequently that they do not see think or understand things the way you do. They interpret things very literally and while many of them are quite intelligent, when it come to things that we may see as "common sense" they are lost. When you communicate with someone with AS it is important to be very clear and very specific and not only communicate what you need or what, but also mention things that you do not want if they are relevant.

You can find a lot of books on AS here : http://tinyurl.com/ywz6y7 of which I highly recommend that you check out Tony Attwood's new book.

Also this page may help you understand a bit more: http://puterakembara.org/aspie.shtml -- especially the section on Theory of Mind and Mind Blindness.

Lastly, I agree with you that there is a high likelihood that if you broad the subject of him having a disorder, he will not respond positively, and very likely will deny it applies. From what I have read, many Aspies (including ones I know personally) are very reluctant to hear about AS and frequently it is best brought up by someone not particularly close to the person, and not in a direct manner. The information about AS should be presented in a non-threatening manner, very gradually, as if planting a seed, and giving it lots of time to germinate. The person with AS will need lots of time to process the information and may or may not be able to have enough self-reflection to recognize that they are affected.

You can find a lot of good information at http://www.aspergersyndrome.org/

Good luck!

Answer 2

your tell that person why would you get your face been off lol stop beeing rude. here goes i have a boyfriend i been together 5years we both have a disablity i'm blind he is total beening he dont see anything i have some vision just not very much. i am very use i got Asperger's Syndrome and have had it for years i'm going to be going to the doctors soon to get myslef sorted out i think anybody with a disablity at the end of the day we are hunma beeings so we are our selfs at the end of the day. so yes i would go out with somebody with Asperger's Syndrome and any other disablity. everybody desive a chance dont they. good luck

Answer 3

This is something you need to discuss with your fiance. If you have a human resources department, they would probably know how best to handle it. If not, your fiance should be the one dealing with him. He might tell your coworker that he seems to have trouble coping in certain situations and offer guidance in that regard or ask what might make it easy for him to cope. He may know or suspect he has Asperger's and has chosen not to tell anyone for fear of others' reactions.

He's not being deliberately rude or arrogant. He just doesn't know how to read certain cues and act in certain situations. You should know from your research that Asperger's is an autism spectrum disorder and what that entails.

As for the poster who said she shouldn't try to diagnose him, I suspect I'm Aspie myself, and someone in a local support group tells me many Aspies are self-diagnosed.

Answer 4

Asperger people are not rude or arrogant, because those are traits that require intention. Asperger people just don't understand how to use social skills properly. Rude or arrogant implies that he thinks he's better than you. If he's Asperger's that is not the root of his problem.

The problem is, he can't understand what tone of voice is appropriate. He doesn't know how to choose his words to sound empathetic. It's not that he believes himself to be better or smarter. He simply has little concept of socially appropriate behavior.

I agree with what has been said though; you should not try to diagnose this man without medical training. You could be completely off base. It's kind of passive aggressive to try to diagnose people with medical disorders because you don't like them. It doesn't concern you and what can you do about it if he is Asperger's?

Answer 5

Well, first off, you can't change him and how he feels about "illnesses/syndromes" whatever you want to call it. But, I am sure, that you already know that.

I know one little kid who has Aspergers and from what I know is that he doesn't do well in large groups. He loses control of his actions and doesn't act like he usually does. It is autism, but it usually affects their social life. What you may be able to do is make sure that everything is as low key as you can make it...to give him an opportunity to calm down. Other than that I don't know what to tell you. It is a hard situation by any means!

Answer 6

Wow, that's a tough one.

I would highly recommend this book:

The ADHD Autism Connection
by Diane M. Kennedy

Available at several online bookstores.

Excellent book that deals with autism (and aspergers) as a spectrum, and compares it to the very similar symptoms of ADHD.

Answer 7

Well, one reason why people with Asperger's syndrome come across as rude is because they have trouble reading other people's emotions. I once read about a kid with Asperger's syndrome who, when he made his mother angry, actually COUNTED the number of lines on his mother's forehead when she frowned and yet still didn't realize that she was angry with him. Just try to learn as much about Asperger's syndrome as you can and maybe this will help you and your fiance deal with him a little bit better.

Answer 8

Unless you have the medical training necessary to diagnose someone with a disease, I'd suggest keeping your opinions to yourself.

Get another job if you're not happy, but don't go nosing around in your co-workers (sounds more like a boss to me if he's a part owner) private business.

Answer 9

I think it's best not to jump to this conclusion about him. Just because someone is difficult to deal with, hard to socialize with, and arrogant does not necessarily imply that he has Asperger's.

If he in fact does have Asperger's, you should deal with him accordingly. (There are websites that explain the best ways to deal with this person's social limitations in a more productive way.)

Here is a great site that discusses diagnosing Asperger's in adults and also suggests how to handle them.

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/531750

Answer 10

Your co-worker may have been bullied when he was a child and now he thinks its he's turn to push other people around because he is the boss.

He's mean to you because you have what he can't have such as social skills.

You should try be in he's shoes for one day and see how you feel.

I'm sorry if you don't like to work with people like him then you should just QUIT!