You Turn Away, need serious criticism, all comments welcome?

Question

I see myself reflected in your eyes,
a red-eyed wreck who fails but still tries,
a heart that too many times alone cries,
you turn away.

Eyes well up, chest becomes cold,
arms twitch, fidget and fold,
colors fade then come back bold,
I'm dying for a hug,
you turn away.

Try to write hands shake too much,
beaten, broken, desperate for a crutch,
I can't make it without you,
dying for a hug,
you turn away.

Off you go in search of your "friend",
I guess that makes this our end,
for just one moment your heart you could'nt lend,
I already miss you so much,
can't make it without you,
dying for a hug,
but you turn away.

Answer 1

Be of good cheer, it is a good poem, and if you can do that, you can find better.

Answer 2

A wonderful poem! I have but a few suggestions to make it perfect. Look at your third stanza, and you'll find that in the other three, you've rhymed the three beginning lines, but in that one, you only rhyme two. In order to make it consistent with the others, you need to add another line that rhymes with much and crutch......how about "touch"? Like, "I have hungered for your touch"? Also in your last stanza, you have six lines, two have five, and the first has only four. Maybe should also add, "dying for a hug", like the others have, in your first stanza. Take out the line that says, "I already miss you so much", in your last stanza, because you've already used the word, "much" in the third stanza.

I hope I haven't confused you!

Otherwise, it's a great poem, and you've created your own original style.

Answer 3

Oh my where to start??!! I really dont want to be this mean but ...My answer to the girl in this poem is suck it up girlfriend! No lover wants to nurse her sad damaged ego back to health. She needs to get busy and find a healthy personality and a smidgon of self-pride and self respect. We hug hugable people. We adore adorable people. We care about people who we believe are capable of careing back. This girl sounds like before anyone could hug her they would first have to scoop her up off the floor and wring her out. I hope this is just a 'wild hair of a poem" and not your reality cause if it is you need serious therapy not a poetic critique.

Answer 4

i've got constantly theory that every physique we've have been given is the 2d, 2d and the on the spot in palms And as quickly as we take care of it, the previous ensue as a lion to consume it. And the destiny is often the subsequent 2d which may be sized by using the unknown, ceased by using the inevitable, or lived as an accumulation to the previous, till the finished compound will become a legacy, and all of us replace into part of the previous for some one else' s contemporary (2d). I 2d Ronnie's point of view. i like your philosophical poetry n stuff. valuable write that's!

Answer 5

It was ok. Too similiar to really catch me.

Seems like every poem people post here is about losing a love. You know poetry CAN have an atmospherical setting and vivid imagery of surrounding scenes.

Answer 6

Sad and tragic story. I like the style and rhythm but the message is heart breaking. Keep writing. You have talent. But I hope this isn't autobiographical.

Answer 7

Yeah shadow. Glad to see you writing agian. I really like this. You can feel the pain in this and your emotions are on display for all to see. Very hard to do. I know. Love Ya!
Steve

Answer 8

i thought you said u were over u know who? maybe u are..but this is really good chica...i wrote new poems that im going to post on myspace soon as soon as i can edit them and make tnem better....im not an expert you know...mine sound cheezy compared to yours...damn girl...lol...ttyl

Answer 9

why isnt this already published it beautiful. the way you thought of these things in your mind is very sad touching and original.

Answer 10

Is a sad poet the better poet?