Terrible Teen or Terrible Parenting?

Question

My 12yr old step daughter called my wife a b*%th and a cow today, my wife ignored it but i think she should of taken action to stop it.

After an arguement where i was arguing on my wifes behalf my daughter stormed off to her room. 10mins later she came down asking for a sleepover. I instantly said no, but have since been arguing with my wife who thinks she should be allowed one.

Am i in the wrong?

Answer 1

the very fact that she even thinks those words, let alone uses them shows a lack of good parenting. you are not in the wrong, she should NOT be allowed a sleepover after such actions.

Answer 2

I think it's because unless they've been in the situation or have been close to someone in the situation, they see it as "babies having babies." They don't understand that *some* teenage parents are actually better parents than 30 year olds, but only see the *some* that give us all a bad name. Just like there are some good adult parents, there are some not-so-good adult parents, and the same goes with teens. BQ: One. (: BQ2: I was fifteen, and I kind of regretted it at the time, but after the first few months I didn't. BQ3: To think before I say or do things that could possibly hurt others.

Answer 3

As hard as it may be, you are the step parent and that is a tricky situation. How long have you been the step-parent? If you have been in this girls life for several years, you need to have a serious talk wiyh your wife, Never let your daughter hear you arguing over her discipline or lack there of. She will use that against you in a heart beat. If you are realitively new to this family, it is time for a family meeting. You and your wife need to set the bounderies BEFORE this meeting. The child must know that you are in agreement on these matters. You may have to adjust your position on several issues but DO NOT budge on the point of compltet and total respect at all times. That is a sticking point for everyone. And don't forget to let her know how much you love her even when she is acting like a child-which she is! Keep that in mind. But you are right, just make sure for the next time( and there will be a next time) that your wife and yourself have ironed ouit the disciple for these offenses and STICK TO THEM.

Answer 4

You are in the right. After what your step daughter called her mother, I wouldn't give her the privilege of her having a sleepover. She should apologize to her mother for calling her names, that is her mother, her mother gave her life. I would sit down with your wife and discuss her behavior. Talk to your wife in a calm manner, or else she will just shut down and not hear your opinions. Don't be argumentative, that won't help matters. Communication is essential, especially when someone new as you come into the relationship, when your wife's daughter hasn't had a male figure for awhile.

Just be patient. I don't know your what your relationship with your step daughter is like. I don't know how long you have been in their lives. Your step daughter may be lashing out somehow to cope with her mom's decisions.

Take it slow. You are the adults she is the child...A child needs positive guidance and good role models in their lives.
I have a 5 year old son.

Answer 5

I would think that your wife would be more interested in disciplining her own child now than paying attorneys fees down the road when the police do her job for her. It is time for her to be a parent instead of taking the easy way out and avoiding the problem. You shouldn't be arguing on your wife's behalf - she is an adult and needs to stand up for herself. However, there is nothing wrong with you letting the child know how it is affecting you i.e. "I love your mother and it hurts me to listen to you treat her with disrespect". I agree that it is not appropriate to have her friends sleep over after such poor behavior. But, I would lean more toward poor parenting on your wife's part.

Answer 6

No - she is! How are they ever going to grow up into decent human beings if they're not punished when crossing that all-important border that you've set. You should sit down with your wife when your daughter and step-daughter are out and discuss parenting rules for both girls - then stick to it. She's probably trying to be their friend and hasn't thought about the impact long term.

Good luck!

Answer 7

Your wife shouldn't 'treat' your daughter after her disrespect. She chose to ignore the insult in this instance - but giving her daughter a treat immediately afterwards isn't sensible. It's telling her that bad behaviour gets results. Giving her what she wants after her nastiness teaches her that she's the boss. This isn't fair on her as she's not old enough to cope with being in charge of a household even if she thinks she is. It makes you and your wife nothing in her eyes. Children are very good at sticking a wedge between their parents in order to get their own way and will push each boundary/rule to the absolute limit. It's part of growing up and is VERY hard on the parents. They feel they're forever saying 'No' initially - but that's what being a parent is all about. You are there to set guidelines to teach your daughter how to become a civilised member of society. She can't be left to work it out for herself. She won't enjoy being told she can't do whatever she wants or be made to obey the rules set by you and your wife and will no doubt sulk and show-off. But it will give her a sense of security even though she won't obviously appreciate it now. To allow her get away with disrespect and bad behaviour towards others isn't giving her any security at all. It just tells her she's on her own in life with no guidance from anyone sensible. This could lead to her looking for guidance outside the home - which is not a good idea when you think of what she could latch onto out there. You and your wife MUST stick together and show a united front in her presence. Have your disagreements about the rules/regs of the house in private and decide on what is allowed and what isn't and then both STICK TO IT. One of you will be softer than the other - but that's good because between you you will come to fair decisions. You must reach a compromise and each present your daughter with the same answer to each of her questions.

Answer 8

You need to be united on this or else you daughter will sense this and use this to her own advantage so I would talk to your wife make a decision on what you both feel will be right then have a talk with your girl so she knows what's what this will be good for the next time she trys to play you off against each other and her hearing you pair arguing over it will further add to your girls victory.

Answer 9

Be sure to always stand by your wife and defend her rights.
This girl is on the wrong track and it will get worse, if severe discipline is not taken immediately. She is reaching the real teenage stage and there will be much more to come. I f I were her mother I would have slapped the crap out of her.
She has to stand her ground and let her know who is boss and so do you, with no exceptions. I have raised 2 girls, and it can be hell. Talk to your daughter and let her know this is the end of this kind of behavior or severe action will be taken.
She is your child, and unless she has bad marks on her CPS won't do anything to you. Do what it takes. Have the school counselor talk to her.

Answer 10

You are right by saying no to your step daughter. It kind of sounds like your wife is still trying to make up for something with her daughter by giving her whatever she wants. I was the same as you sept-daughter as I was growing up and thinking back it did me no good cause I got into alot of trouble as a teen. Sit down alone with your wife and explain that you love her and her daughter and that it is not ok for the 12 year old to calling her mother a bi&^% and a cow. It is disrespectful and the girl will start to resent both of you if something isn't done NOW

GOOD LUCK

Answer 11

No. You are not wrong. Stand your ground. Your stepdaughter is manipulating you and your wife and setting you against each other.

Your wife needs to make her daughter understand that disrespect will not be tolerated. And letting your stepdaughter have her own way when she called your wife names is like rewarding her for her bad behavior.

Your stepdaughter needs to apologize to your wife. And no sleepover or other special activities for a week because of her foul mouth.