If they knew what it was like
To be me for just one day,
Then maybe they would understand,
and just stay the hell away.
If they didn't laugh or tease,
Just pretended i wasn't there.
It would be a little better,
But no one seems to care.
They always call me fat,
They always give me a name,
They always call me ugly,
Like it's all just a game.
If they knew the pain i felt,
If they saw me cry,
If they understood the hurt they'd caused,
They might finally realise why.
Is it alright? constructive criticism welcome.
2007-10-06 05:18:13 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
The rhythm gets off a tiny bit, a little bit of rewording can correct that easy enough. Like instead of "If they saw me cry", try something like "If they saw the way I cry". simple stuff. You did well, have a star from me.
2007-10-06 05:24:52 · answer #1 · answered by Dondi 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's alright, but where's the ending? What is it these people are realizing? If you don't add something to that and explain it at all, then rhyme seems forced. And it's not good to see something forced in writing.
Other then that, this just seems like a teen hate/hurt poem. Which is alright, people don't understand the pain of being high school and all that goes on there. So for the message alone I'd say this is brilliant. But it's still missing something...
If you found what was missing this poem would be much better. Luck.
2007-10-06 12:13:12 · answer #2 · answered by Twili 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Emilyy this is a great poem and i think all grades in school should have this poem up for students to see,My son get;s teased daily just because he doesn;t have a father as i;m a single mom and widowed.Kids should always be kind to kids and adults to adults ; but that;s not possible; but maybe your poem ; will make others think never to do it.ever.Thanks for sharing...
2007-10-06 05:39:01 · answer #3 · answered by Cami lives 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
hm... I like it. Especially the beginning (first four lines). But, to be honest, I feel that the rhyming is forced towards the end. if this isn't for a contest, then you can leave it, otherwise you might want to fix it, it doesn't have to rhyme, i myself, am more of a rhythm poet.
2016-05-17 09:14:26 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes, i like it.
remove the 'd' from the words "caused" and "they'd"
did you know that there really isn't good or bad poetry, just popular or unpopular, and this has been the throughout the ages? poetry is too subjective to be classified.
2007-10-06 05:25:25 · answer #5 · answered by Alysen C 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Did you know me as a kid. Sounds so much like my child hood. I think it was wonderful. If people are doing this to you just try to remember that someday your day will come.
2007-10-06 06:16:08 · answer #6 · answered by loretta 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow!
That's really good!
You have a talent, keep the writing up!
2007-10-06 05:37:41 · answer #7 · answered by Colin 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
wow
ur really talented
i loveeeee poems...........
if this is about you
i think u should fight them instead of ignoring them
2007-10-06 05:24:04 · answer #8 · answered by justcurious 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's pretty good.
2007-10-06 05:33:02 · answer #9 · answered by Semp-listic! 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yeah its ok.
2007-10-06 05:21:48 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋