Why does my daughter not pee the bed when she is with me, but she does with my ex husband?

Question

My daughter is 3 and my ex told me she has been peeing the bed and and her pants. I have never seen her do that. I am worried. He is a control freak (that's why he is my ex husband.) I am so scared for her!

She Tells me "daddy gets mad."

Answer 1

Well there could be many answers to a question of this nature. Are her visits with her Dad stressful to her, as in does she act out before and after visits, does she hold back and not joyously run out to meet her daddy Does she say she doesn't want to go.......
Does he pay attention to her bodily function needs as in make toileting her a regular interval type thing, does he load her up with sugar water, soda, kool ade, etc. Does he yell at her or punish her for her "accidents". How much assistance does she require from you to maintain her potty training? How long has she been potty trained, how long ago was your divorce, do you and you ex fight in front of her???
You sound a little afraid that something hinky might be going on, how realistic is that, has he ever given you any reason to suspect innappropriate behavior on his part.
Any change in a small childs environment can be a set back in her age level re actions. If going with daddy with out you is quite new for her she may just be backsliding in age in an unfamiliar environment. If she has been going to visit daddy for a year or so, what is different in his life, does he have a new woman in his life, every week or just recently.
There are child psychologist trained to spot behavior caused by innappropriate behavior on his/anyones part, just be careful you don't find someone who will make the facts fit a pre determined possibility rather than one who is reputable and will just do play therapy and report his/her professional opinion. Could she possibly be picking up on fears that you have and being stressed? Remember he is Dad and children do love their parents, and need both of you. You divorced him she didn't and your issues shouldn't be aired in front of the child, children know more than we ever thought, younger than we ever thought.
Regressing is a symptom, but of what????
Good Luck this is just beginning and maybe if you are very lucky this will work out OK but don't just sit back and wait and see, keep all your senses on high alert and keep a diary or some kind of record that you can refer back to, our minds no matter what age can be unreliable where emotional issues are involved. If you write your observations and conversations down you can more clearly track changes and maybe track the why?? What ever you do DO NOT ignore the situation it does mean something ....... you just don't know what yet.

Answer 2

My dear young friend since I've been on Yahoo Answers this is the type of Point I've been Trying to make. As a Women yourself, you see first hand how men are treated in FAMILY COURT. Second Class Citizen would be a compliment. You also see how a women that knows her way around the system can use it as a very effective tool for revenge. You are a Women and have the Same power as the crazy ex-wife, if you chose too use it on your current Husband. Even if there was no proof, no evidence, nothing, IF you called the police and said, My husband hit me, Your Husband would be arrested and subject to a restraining order. Even if this never took place, His word against yours, He would be sitting in Jail. To the Eyes of the FAMILY COURTS, Your husband is automatically seen as the AGGRESSIVE MALE. Capable of harming you and children. His word and rights mean nothing. That's what your up against in this Situation. I'm going to also let you in on something that most people do not assume. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND FAMILY RELATIONS IS A MULTI-BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY. You already see that the COURTS empower and encourage the crazy ex-wife. The first time they came out, should have been enough to give credit to you and your husband. Don't think for a minute that the courts don't know that the ex-wife is making false claims, this is just one part that keeps the wheels spinning. Allowing the ex-wife to pretty much make false claims and harrass you and hubby is creating lots of work for the Industry. BUSINESS is GOOD. Far down the line, There's billions for Lawyers, Social workers, Case workers, Therapists, Counselors, Judges, support staff, Gov. grants $$$ to Women's groups, the few I mentioned are a fraction of the whole that makes up this rapidly growing Industry. Getting new customers is the goal, and your just one of many customers being run through the system. Why else do you think their is no penalty for the ex-wife's false claims. You can call it a successful marketing campaign. If you go to a few (FATHER'S RIGHTS GROUPS), on-line you will see the treatment you guys are receiving is common place. Guys are being arrested for just walking their daughter to the front door of the ex. One Husband while dropping the kids off was Arrested for getting out of his car and petting HIS dog that came up to his car. Nazi policies.

Answer 3

I disagree with the sexual abuse, I am not saying its not happening, but there are many reasons why a 3 year old child wets their pants. Many of them have nothing to do with abuse.

Stress can be a huge factor, kids at 3 process things a bit differently and their reaction is not typical to an adult.

maybe she is going through some separation anxiety, and this is the way she hopes to be returned to you, mind kids at 3 typically do not repsond with thsi kind of logic, this is something that comes later.

Is she being given plenty of time to pee?

Is he not watching her cues? many men are oblivious to the fact that young kids once trained still need to be reminded. they aasume that once trained, they are cleared of that responsibility. With a child of 3 you are not in teh clear, you CAN relax a little but they still need help.

What was his body language telling you about him when he was complaining? Did he seemed bothered by it? Was he angry? what does he do about it? ignore it? yell? possibly spank?
Who else is in the home? what kinds of things do they do together. Is she getting enough attention from him? if not maybe she is wetting b/c she knows he will notice her,
when you bathe her or do any toileting with her are you noticing any odd behaviours? does she have a rash? is she red? does she want to go to daddy's?

Remember she is 3 years old and probably been out of diapers no less than a year (depending on if she is almost 4 or just 3). Kids do make mistakes, and sometimes there is no reason for it they just happen.

It could be something as simple as her wanting some control and by her controlling when and where she goes she is exercising that right. or it could be something more complex.

Ask her and see if you can get any answers, if you suspect abuse than please go to the emergency room for an evaluation, but as I said this is not ALWAYS or even usually a sign of molestation.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Because he is a control freak. His need to control has provoked a natural response from your daughter which he can't control! It's God's little program to teach parents to not be control freaks, and abusers. The more they do, the worse this gets.

He should see a therapist and meanwhile, put an absorbant mattress pad on the bed she sleeps on. Or you may want to see about canceling 'over nighters' until she's a little older. He can still come and pick her up in the morning on Sunday and Saturday. Wouldn't be the first, and won't be the last inconvience that children impose on parents.

Perhaps you and him could use some mediation (peace talks) in a professional setting as well.

Answer 5

I believe this is because of the change she's tasked with handling that she may not understand of fully be at peace with, yet she doesn't yet possess the skills to adequately express what she feels...the bedwetting is therefore a manifestation of that angst. Personally, I used to have similar reactions to visiting my dad on weekends when I was young. The dynamics between me and his new wife were always inexplicably strained, and for my part it was manifest by frequent bedwetting and sleepwalking (which I had never done before or since). It should be noted that just because she has that reaction doesn't necessarily mean that anything untoward is occurring , just that she is aware of strangeness on some levels. Still, the situation bears close scrutiny for any further developments.

Answer 6

When a 3 year old is in any unfamiliar place they can do that up to the age of 5 or even 6 years old. It might not be her Dad just the other house, the other bed, the different food.
You might suggest to him to get the larger diapers for her to use at night and solve the problem there.

Answer 7

She could be doing it to get attention, even though it is bad attention that she is getting. Or she could be doing it bc she is afraid he will get on to her for going to the bathroom for some reason. Something is not right about it. She is likely just acting out by doing so. My 5 year old did this a few months after my ex and I split up. I told her that it is not helping things, only making things worse, and she knows better. I went on to tell her how others look at her when she does this. She did it twice, and that was it. Try talking to her like she is grown about it. See if it helps. If not, let her know what your ex will do to her if she doesnt stop. Whatever it takes to make her stop is what it is going to take, whether it breaks your heart or not.

Answer 8

stress!! no doubt. what is going on over there? something has happened, is happening, or something. could be being away from you. could be the seperation thing (if that is recent)...try to edit your question, and tell us more.
1. how long have you been split up?
2. how long has she been doing this?
3. does anyone come over to his house when she is there? (a new girlfriend? a family member?)


you dont wanna ignore this!! my cousins little girl started wetting the bed, and she though it was nothing...daycare was sexually assaulting some of the children. they ended up getting turned in to the social services for an ugly investigation..
take her to a dr. and let him help you talk with her...these signs are important!!!!!!!! DONT IGNORE THIS---PLEASE

Answer 9

Signs of Sexual Abuse

Consider the possibility of sexual abuse when the child:

Has difficulty walking or sitting.
Suddenly refuses to change for gym or to participate in physical activities.
Reports nightmares or bed wetting.
Experiences a sudden change in appetite.
Demonstrates bizarre, sophisticated, or unusual sexual knowledge or behavior.
Becomes pregnant or contracts a venereal disease, particularly if under age 14.
Runs away.
Reports sexual abuse by a parent or another adult caregiver

you need to talk to your child ! ask her flat out
children are usually consistant if they pee the bed at dads house , they will pee the bed at moms house , at grandmas, at a friends house.

Answer 10

Unfamiliar environment. Once she is more comfortable with his place it will probably stop. At 3 years old any changes especially big ones seem to completely turn life upside down and cause children to regress. Just give her a little time and talk to her about it.