Should I trust my husband? Should I use these in all fights that we have?

Question

I am 23 and am married to a man - after 2 years of courtship. After almost 2-3 months of marriage, i was looking for some stuff on his PC and suddenly found a few pictures of another colleage of ours.

After a little questioning, he admitted that he went to dinner with that girl one day and took that photo. This was during the time that we were together as BF GF. He said that it a farewell party dinner (She was moving to another company) and he didnt tell me bcos he felt I will unnecessarily shout at him. I'm sure he was not in a relationship or anything with her - they were just friends. Now she is in in another country and married. But why did he not tell me?
Another time I found the email id of a girl in his pocket. He said that he had met her on a bus and had got talking to her and got her email id as they are both in the IT industry. These incidents were 1.5 years before marriage.
Can I trust him again? Should I take up this topic during our fights as a weapon against him?

We fight about once-twice a week. Is that too much??

The topics can be varied like
1. I dont like the city where we have settled (his birthplace) and want to go back to my birth city near my parents...
2. Why I dont do any house work...
etc etc

The topic that we fight the most is "which city we should settle in"?
I dont like his city where he has a house, his parents and his job. He doesnt want to move to the city where my parents live.

Answer 1

I have to ask what your purpose here is to better understand. You seem secure that he did not cheat on you during your marriage. No one likes to hear about relationships their partners have had in the past, but you asked. He was honest with you NOW.
Using weapons? How would you win? What would be the reason? Do you fight a lot? Are you trying to get out of the relationship? Weapons spell divorce.

How about relishing the fact that you have a loving husband NOW. What good does it do to torture yourself about the past and things that cannot be changed? Move on!

Good luck to you!

Answer 2

On the question of whether or not you should trust him, I honestly don't know. That's a really hard question for anyone who isn't in the situation to judge. I know people always say "trust your intuition" but in my experience, intuition has lied. If you have ever been in a relationship where you were cheated on (or if your parents were, etc. etc.) the idea of cheating is always in the back of your head, and your mind will play tricks on you.

What you actually need to do is step back from the emotions of the situation and ask yourself whether or not you're being reasonable. In my personal opinion, you're absolutely not. It's ok. Everyone is allowed to be a little irrational occasionally. Just don't risk your relationship because of it. It looks like you have a husband who is loyal to you.

As for your other problems, I honestly believe that there is no problem so big that adults can't sit down and work it out by discussing things. There has to be a middle ground between the cities you each would prefer to live in. Divide chores up equally and alternate so no one gets stuck with really crappy chores all the time. Compromise is the key to any strong relationship. Also: Don't sweat the small stuff. Are any of these things really worth leaving your husband over? If the answer is no, then don't risk your relationship by yelling and using things as "weapons" against him.

Answer 3

I think you need to trust him more and allow him to be honest and open with you. He should be able to come to you and tell you anything. Especially things about other women. If you are secure about your position as his wife and his commitment to you, then him speaking in passing to other women should not be a bother. He should be able to tell you he was talking to Sally Sue on the bus and they exchanged emails so that they could discuss further business ventures without you freaking out and losing trust for him. I think this is the reason he keeps these little insignificant incidents from you. Don't choke out your marriage before it can grab roots. Tell him you want him to be open with you and feel free talking to you about anything. Show him that you will listen and support him and not yell and throw a fit. Soon he'll be telling you every little thing about his day. You'll notice he will even begin telling you about women hitting on him and how he handled it. Now that is when you know he is really opening up to you and not afraid that you will get mad with him. That is ultimately where you want your marriage to be. Don't worry, it does take time, but it is possible.

Don't count your fights, that is not important. What is important is how you resolve them. Every marriage has arguments. Maybe you guys should consider moving to a different city that does not contain your parents or his. It may be time to venture out on your own. Then, that will give both of your parents someplace to visit on holidays. It is definitely something to think about.

Answer 4

That's immature to do. Tell him he treats u like crap and you don't deserve it and tell him you're thinking of moving on because he's not committed. It sounds like you married too young. Using it won't help in fights. What do u fight about? The same thing over and over, just different words and now u can throw this into the mix? He sounds secretive and probably won't be 100% straight up with you. He needs to grow up and probably isn't ready for this. Give him the boot for a while so he can think about how he should treat u right.

Answer 5

hi dear,
I studied your problem and really i m a bit surprised , bcoz u r living with someone whom u know from last 2 years and u had so much trust tht u married him . And the incident tht u had told is not a big issue , only problem was tht ur Hubby has not informed abt tht , But all tht happened is a past now and u sud now look forward for a better relationship . And about the weapon for fighting with him ,the best i know is your "True Love and Care".
ENJOY

"If u love someone ,let them go , for if they return , they were always yours .And if they dont ,they never were."

Answer 6

I'm a young person (22), and this is immature, seriously. "as a weapon against him" ... get real. The 1st chick is in another country, and a lot of people exchange business cards or contact information who work in the same industry. I think you should drop it and never bring it up again. It's far too petty to worry about.

Answer 7

If you cant let things go and move on, your marriage isn't going to last very long. And throwing things in his face, will only show him that you are childish, you don't trust him, and sooner or later he will get tired of it. If these are the only things he has ever done to give you reason not to trust him, and all things that happened before you were married. It is just silly to keep bringing them up years latter, unless you want to push him away.

Answer 8

If you want to loss him then go right a head and bring up the girls. Do you want to push him away, then don't do it. You guys weren't even married so what is the bid deal. If you found anything after you were married than i would worry and worry a lot because than you have a cheater on your hands.

Answer 9

I don't think you have anything to worry about....You said that you are sure that they weren't in any relationship.....so just leave that alone....As far as the email address of the girl....again leave it alone...Do you really think he meant to do anything sinister with her? Would he be that stupid as to leave her email address in his pocket if he were interested in her? And if you seriously think bringing up these topics to use as "weapons" in future arguments is a good idea...you are way to immature for marriage.

Answer 10

Yes you can trust him. Don't ever bring them up unless you want a rocky marriage.

Are you looking for a fight so you two can break up? It seems like it.