This is a rewrite from long ago. Criticism is fine. Encouraged?

Question

lies

Choked by your own lies,
Try this on for size
Contolled by your brainwashed mind
Salvation you will never find
Your religion makes me sick
People are so very thick
I answer to no one
Not even to God's son
My life is live my way
Don't care what people say
Spend your life just kissing as*
Nose pressed up against the glass
There are no pearly gates
Maybe in some other state
No sympathy you get from me
You are right were you should be
Where is your salvation
While the world lives in starvation
I pity you and all your cries
I hope you choke on all those lies.


This is not anti-religion, but anti-hypocrite. Keep that in mind. I believe in God, just not organized religion.

Answer 1

Damn!!!! this is harsh, I like it!!!! Is better than my poem "lies" you won baby!!!

I love you

Answer 2

I have to say that it is an intersting poem. I found it a little forced at time, almost as if you held back a part of it, but in other parts you felt obliged to make it hard hitting when it didn't really need to be.

These are just my personal opinion, I wouldn't mind reading the original version.

Answer 3

each so often i capture a glimpse of you from the previous and it catches my coronary heart and shoves it up into my throat. there's no way that i'd desire to look at a newborn and not see that there is something HORRIBLY incorrect while there's a criminal act of such magnitude being carried out to them...God, steve you relly hit residing house with the final line...as quickly as in grade college this chick had a birthday party and invited every person interior the type yet me. i found this out after it became over, and once I asked why i became surpassed over, the girls stated it became because of the fact i became constantly so unhappy!!now's no longer that an obtrusive sign that something is actual extremely incorrect?Why would not somebody help while i became such an harmless and loving newborn, no longer a hardship maker in any respect, i in no way have been given below a b in training and no person had to maintain their eye on me because of the fact i actually did no longer something undesirable...different than that as quickly as I did the issues that i knew have been undesirable because of the fact the guy who became meant to be looking after me informed me to, i became praised via him and he became top approximately how human beings might cope with me in the event that they knew.So undesirable and good and top and incorrect and love and hate became this cluster of chaotic emotion in my lifestyles then became a unique emotion of their very own. no person else would desire to ever understand what that feeling is like except they have had the unique combination of discomfort, excitement, humiliation,shame secretiveness, punishment and futile problematical helplessness of being that unhappy newborn who has no person that knows or good sufficient to rescue them.i know which you know it. Sorry for rambling. This one have been given to my guts on a deeply aggravating point. yet nevertheless, thank you, steve , for the braveness you will desire to stand up and enable that is hardship-loose that there became and is a international of horror that gets swept below the rug.

Answer 4

It has lots of good emotion and a strong message, but as the others have stated it doesn't quite flow. Maybe another rewrite and you'll get it perfect.
Love,
Shadow

Answer 5

A little strained for rhythm while getting the rhyme, but not too bad or obnoxious. I'll give you a star for this one.

Answer 6

good but it sounds kinda like your forcing the rhyme. good job though...

Answer 7

This is how lies should be treated.