Does life go on after another nasty divorce?

Question

i got divorced 4 years ago. 2 years after my divorce i met who i thought was Ms. perfect. she seemed great with my kids, seemed to be the perfect woman: watched football, drank beer, beautiful, intelligent. then 2 months into the marriage she started getting real jealous, moody, argumentative using incredibly foul language, and then like a switch turned off her feelings for me and left after she had an affair and then had an abortion. she told me i was the love of her life and to never leave her then turns around and leaves me. it's my 2nd divorce and i thought i did it right the second time. i was careful. she was so good in the beginning but was so ugly on the inside after something switched inside her. her family always told me "she'll cut you out of her life in a second" and "she needs to be on her meds". i'm heartbroken because i loved her and gave her everything else i had left after my first divorce.

thing is i was strong after my first divorce now after this one, i feel ruined. i don't trust women and it's like she injected me with this evil she carried around. i thought i did it right. now i wonder if there is any good women left. this second one really messed me up. i don't trust women anymore. any advice? any good ones left?

Answer 1

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it seems to me that you really didn't know her very well.... that you didn't talk about life and situations that can occur.

If a person has a condition that causes swings in mood, there will ALWAYS be trouble unless they are strong enough to stick with what keeps them level.

Life will go on for you. It will take a while before you allow yourself to feel human again.... you've learned a lesson. You'll be more cautious in the future - at least you'll try.

Take the time to be use to being alone. Be good to yourself. Recover. Time. Time heals all wounds - or allows spiders to web over the hole.

Answer 2

I'm sorry to hear you went through such a tough time. But just reading your question and description of this second wife, there are red flags everywhere. It sounds to me, and I don't mean this in an insulting way AT ALL, that you might have had your blinders on, kinda of "hoping" she was the perfect woman rather than her actually being that way. Sometimes we so want someone to BE something they're not that we kind of ignore some of the realities surrounding a person and idealize them. But when her own family are saying such negative things about her, then you know something has to be wrong. It sounds more like you have a picture of the idea woman and you kind of forced her into that mold. Also, you may have been looking only at how she was perfect as a partner but not as a wife and mother to your children. Unfortunately, those two things require different characteristics, and she may not have had those things.

In some ways, this experience may be a good learning experience for you. I know it may not seem that way now because all you feel is hurt. But you shouldn't be completely mistrusting or negative towards all women. It just sounds like you're a romantic (which is not a negative thing) that needs to listen to his head a little more than just his heart. Next time you meet someone, let your mind and heart be in agreement that this is truly someone who can be a lifelong partner. And you may want to look to see if there might be a pattern to the type of women you fall for. If you had two bad divorces, or at least two divorces, see what kind of similar negative characteristics these women had and find out why you might be falling for someone like that.

You seem like a decent guy and I'm sure you'll find someone who will treat you the way you deserve. In the meantime, let time do some healing, be the great father to your kids that I'm sure you are, and you'll find someone.

Answer 3

It sounds like to me that there were some warning signs there that you either didn't see or chose to ignore. If her family told you they had concerns, that is something to definitely listen too.
I don't think that any relationship is a total loss. It is a learning experience although painful at times. You've learned more warning signs, what to look for, what you will and won't put up with etc..,
I too have been in some very dysfunctional relationships and I kept wondering why. I tried so hard and swore I wouldn't end up in the same situation yet somehow I always did.
I realized I was sending out the wrong vibes. I tend to be very motherly and nurturing so I got men that wanted/needed a mother or to be taken care of or men that wanted to take advantage of someone nice. I had to change that.
I also saw warning signs and chose to ignore them because I wanted so badly for it to work out. Later, I kicked myself and wondered how I could be so stupid. Now, I pay attention and I move very slowly.
Sure, I am alone more and often I am not in a relationship. But I'd rather be alone than be put through what I have in the past. I'd rather be alone that just be with any body or Mr. Wrong.
I still believe in love though and I still hope that my soul mate is somewhere out there.
I have thrown myself into taking care of my kids and being the best parent I can be. My children never disappoint me and love me unconditionally.

Answer 4

There seems to be some negative thinking going on here. You say you gave her everything. Did she ask for that or were you afraid to lose her if you could not give her things? It isn't your fault if the women in your life fail to understand you, after all the trying times from the first divorce you certainly should expect better. Do not let this last episode bring you down. Human makeup is very unpredictable. Keep looking and you will find the right one. Be grateful for the good times with you women and expect other companions to be 'right'.
Spartawo...

Answer 5

Don't worry about another woman right now. You need to worry about your kids, and about yourself. Get some counseling. There may be a reason why you chose a woman like this, and you want to do everything you can to make sure this doesn't happen again. You should know that blended families are really hard for most people to deal with. There are divided loyalties, and the step-parent often feels like they have to take a back seat to you and your kids. That may not be happening, but it sure feels like it is for the one in those shoes. Find a good counselor and follow their advice.

Answer 6

What you need is a counselor who can help you choose women who aren't abusive. When you've had two really abusive relationships in a row, it means you're attracting -- and attracted to -- the wrong sort of gal.

One way to avoid relationships with women like this is to be able to recognize the signs of an abuser or abusive relationship (links below). Any woman who worships the ground you walk on before you get married will make you wish you'd never met her. If she is clingy or "falls in love" too soon, it means she's unstable. Always date a woman more than three years since you have a history of finding abusive mates. The longer you date a woman, the more sure you can be that she is genuine. Most abusers can control their temper for a few years. So, make sure you pay attention to the things any gal you date says. If she's really happy and excited sometimes and other times just "doesn't feel like herself", she may be bipolar (avoid gals like this...I'm bipolar, so I should know! They will get treatment for a time but generally quit medicating once they are married since you're already "hooked" and they think they don't have a problem anymore.) People will abuse those they love a lot sooner than they would a stranger. So, marrying you is one reason they felt they could act out.

Please go to therapy and enjoy your single life for at least a year before you date again. It's so easy to fall back into the same pattern with other women and you'll also attract the same kind of woman. It's OK to be single. You just need to get to the point that you like being with YOU. Find hobbies and interests that keep you happy and feeling fulfilled. Then, after a year, think about dating again. Don't do it until you are ready. And I know for a fact that if you start dating someone now or during this one year ahead of you that you will backslide into being Mr. Doormat. You have to work on yourself or you will repeat what has happened twice already. Likely one of your parents was abusive, since you seem to attract abusers. That's one good reason to stop dating for now. You need to figure out what a loving relationship is. Chances are you are like me, and didn't have a mentally stable parent to copy whether it was your mom or dad.

Therapies that work: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Plus just talking to a counselor so you keep growing with support. My sister married a man on the rebound after an abusive relationship. He almost killed her. My mom had a horrible marriage to my dad. He was the abuser. We kids are all ill mentally as a result and my sister and brother have both lived in abusive relationships from the moment they began dating. I lucked out. I knew what my dad was like. If any guy acted like him, I'd stop dating him. I know it's hard to tell if someone is genuine or not. But once you know what to look for in a woman instead of what you've been finding up to now, I hope can learn to trust again.

Sites below with information about abusers and the nimh site is likely the site that will sound most like your ex-wives.

If you stay where you are now and don't grow, you'll find someone just like your ex-wives -- or, rather, she'll find YOU. Good luck.

Answer 7

Sounds like you got seriously burned on this Ms "perfect". Wow, her family looks like they were right about her. Yes, references from other people can help reduce to the chances for a bad long term relationship. Well, life will go on, but the question is will you go on? Number one is your children, if you can compliment raising them well with some caring woman so much the better. There are no guarantees out there for anyone, but a good track record on your next relationship could hopeful reduce the chance for another disaster.

Answer 8

I was married twice and afterwards dated someone for 2 years, who called me on the phone one day to say "the relationship just wasn't going anywhere". After each of these break-ups you think to yourself- that that was the one and now what are you going to do. But- in your heart you know if you meet that person, you'll meet others along the way. It feels like you'll die from the hurt and confusion. But the next day you'll get up and realized you made it through another night and it gets easier. Enjoy the people in your life for as long as they're there, and when it doesn't feel good anymore, look forward to your next acquaintance

Answer 9

Sounds like she weaseled her way into your heart and then broke it. She would have gotten a good wrap up side the head if i were her husband.
Sounds like you're too freaking nice. I really feel for you .. Not that she was good to start with. If you watch the Soprano's Janice, Tony's sister worked herself into Bobbies life, after she got him to marry her and start to love her, she turned into the *****. Some women like the control thing. Once they get it, they turn into bitches. Don't get married again. Most women want to concur you then ditch you. Please forgive me.. I got so mad when i read your question. Because I really feel that you're hurting, and this question you asked made me feel your pain. I know you can't hit a women. But sounds like she took her knowledge that you're a nice guy and used it to her own advantage. Make sure next time the girl is real good all the time.

Answer 10

My mothers and fathers went by using an extremely tough time while i grow to be like six or seven. Alcohol grow to be what truly led to the fights, yet their substance grow to be very such as a few of what you stated above. As for the divorce itself, your father will probable not come out of it ok. till your mom surely has a psychological affliction which could make it risky on your sister to stay together with her, she gets custody and your father will could pay toddler help. Your sister could become older and look back and understand that she grow to be fed a team of lies approximately your father. while that occurs don't be too stressful on her, the three of you may nevertheless have a competent relationship interior the destiny. i don't think of you may rigidity approximately any criminal rates sticking on your Dad if it is going that a great way, the burden of information could steer away from it. Who knows of, you're waiting to have a relationship including your mom sometime too. If not, purely purely verify you get the help which you truly choose. superb of success