Step mom / Bio mom question?

Question

Hi! Where do I even begin. My husband has had custody of his two kids (13 and 11) for 6 years. We have been together for 2 years and I love them like they were my own. Their mom moved 6 years ago 360 miles away to be with another man. Now that I am in the picture, the claws are out. She is constantly claiming I am trying to be their mother and badmouthing me to the kids. The 13 year old boy blows it off, but the 11 year old girl worships the ground she walks on. My theory is this...Their dad and I are the ones that run them to all of their activities, games, campouts, and school activities. We come to their band concerts, parent lunches etc. We stay up and help them with 4H projects, study for homework, and other things. I am so frustrated though because I feel that if SHE was the mom they needed - they wouldn't come to me for all those things. I just don't know what to do. I am trying to be positive for the kids sake. But..I dont want to overstep my boundaries. Advice?

She does see them every other weekend. (We drive them) but she has only ever come to 2 events (both the 11 year old girls) in the last 2 years we have been married. She NEVER helps with homework on her weekends, shows no interest in their activities (in fact talks them out of it because "mommy needs you more than you need these activities". I feel like I am going crazy. Please help me figure out whether to just step back or continue trying to support them. I provide their mom with a calendar of their events every month and she is just angry about it all. HELP

Will the kids resent me? Or will they realize the sacrifice that their father and I have done...financially, time, and otherwise to help them become successful adults someday.

I am NOT the girlfriend...I am the wife.

Answer 1

Ok , first inhale.. exhale.. :) ... My parents divorced when i was 4.. my father remarried when i was 6.. my father had custody of me and my 2 siblings.. my mother left, and we saw her every other weekend.. I worshiped the ground my mother walked on, i thought she was the best mother in the world.. and always wanted to be with her.. my father and my step mother, are very old fashioned.. and had alot of morals and values, and had alot of strict rules yet fair rules.. but as a kid i thought my step mother was the worst person on earth.. i literally thought she was a witch at one point because she "knew" everything.. couldnt get away with anything, couldnt pull the wool over her eyes.. ever.. and my mom hated her with a passion, my mom was jealous of her, and would talk badly about her, and well what little girl wants to believe that her own mom would lie to her, so i thought my mom was telling me the truth.. so i started to hate my step mother, although she was the one that took care of me, cooked, cleaned, did my laundry, made cupcakes for my bday to take to school, made sure i always had everything i needed for school, for extra cirricular activities, took care of me when i was sick, helped me with homework.. etc etc etc.. but as a kid i couldnt realize all these things all i knew is she bulked about things not being done right, or me not doing my homework, etc and it made me think my mom was right about her, and so i started to hate her only because my mom hated her.. My step mom stayed her course, she never backed off one bit not in loving me, not in how she did things .. when i got to be about 17 years old, i started looking back at my life.. realizing how much my dad and my step mom had done for me, sure my mom came to softball games, but she stayed for 2 innings and talked to my sister the whole time, yet my dad was the one behind home plate screaming at me to pitch it in there.. my mom never went to open houses, never went to dentist or doctor appts, never made me cupcakes for school.. etc.. and i started realizing that all the questions ive asked over the years my step mom's answer were always the same, and my mom's answers always changed a bit, which showed me who was lying and who wasnt.. then i realized even more when i had my own kids, and realized how much parents actually do for their kids, things that go unsaid, things that go unappreciated, but u do them cause u love your children.. and never expect things in return..

My son was very sick when he was born, he needed a transplant, and i was young, and confused and didnt know what to do.. and i called my mom, begging for her to fly out because i needed her, and she made excuses after excuses of why she couldnt come.. I called my step mom, and she said.. she wanted it to be a surprise but they had already booked their tickets and are flying out in a couple days..

I realized who is my real mom in that moment.. , dont get me wrong, i love my biological mom very much, but i love my other mom, my step mom, who i now call mom, just as much.. not because i have to , but because she earned the title.. she is the woman that raised me.. she is the woman that NEVER let me down..

The point im trying to make is.. dont let that woman tear u down, dont let her do anything to keep u from the course that your on right now, YOUR NOT OVER STEPPING.. she may share the same genetics as those children but u are their full time mom.. your raising her children, Your doing what she is incapable of doing.. dont u waiver one bit.. your little girl loves her mom and she should, but it will come back to u, down the road.. just be patient and dont change , just continue being her mom no matter how hard it gets.. she will love u in the long run.. be the best mom u can be to those kids, and they will come to u in the end..

My mother sat in the second pew at my wedding.. my sister couldnt believe that i wouldnt put my mother in the first pew.. my response to her was " My father earned the right to sit in that first pew, our step mother earned the right to sit in that first pew.. and if mom's feelings are hurt, then this is the consequence of her own actions by leaving us years ago"..

Stay ur course..

Answer 2

Sorry......just read the add-on where it says you two were married recently. Okay. So you're not just the girlfriend, but you're actually a step mom now to a 13 and 11 year old. Okay. Unfortunately the ONLY thing you can do is set a good example for both children. My mother has spent the last 15 years bad mouthing my father and his wife to anybody willing to listen. And after 15 years she has earned a reputation as being a basic nut case that nobody really wants around anymore. Even if half the things she says are true, it's HER that can't behave at holidays, birthdays, family events, etc. And eventually it was my father and his wife that became more welcome and apprecaited by my wife and her family. My advice is to ignore the ex wife, be the best step mom you can be, NEVER speak badly about this woman to the kids (because they'll repeat it) and just be a nice person. Eventually it's YOU they will prefer to be around.

Answer 3

I can totally relate to this, because I'm a stepmom, and the bio mom can't stand me, either! Trust me, you can have any opinion you want about the bio mom.... if she's a b***h, then she is, and nothing you say or don't say is going to change that. Unfortunately, the chances of you having a good relationship with her are very small. There is a lot of jealousy involved in the parent/stepparent relationship. Some people can get through that and make friends with the other mom, but most cannot. The best advice I can give you goes like this: NEVER say anything bad about the bio mom in front of (or in the same room with) the child. If they say something bad about their bio mom, don't reinforce it... say something nice instead. If you have to talk to the bio mom, be nice, and don't stoop to her level if she starts to be mean to you. As long as you maintain your cheerful demeanor and don't talk bad about her in front of her kids, there is nothing she can complain about. Don't make a friendship with her be a priority. Make the happiness of the child #1, and you'll do fine. It is an extremely hard job being a stepmom, and I'm sure you're doing a great job. I hope this helps you. Good luck, and God bless you.

Answer 4

I think that the kids are lucky to have a step-mom that is willing to "step up" to the plate. The 11 y/o could be hearing things at school that other girls mom's are doing and she knows that her's basically doesn't care and she resents that fact, and in turn that is the way she reacts to the situation. The mom could also be regreting decisions she has made and that is the way she is reacting as well. The 11 y/o is also probably starting to go through a growing up period where she may be a minor pain...just because. You know how kids can be sometimes. They will grow up and out of it and will realize what you have really instilled in them and I am sure you will see that as well. No matter their reasons, you continue to be a good role model for those children...I wish my step-parents could of been half of what you are.

Answer 5

hi...

first of all, why on earth are you driving the kids 360 miles one way to visit HER? if she wants to enjoy her visitation rights, she needs to provide transportation... that is how the law is in my state... you are going above and beyond the call of duty... and the kids aren't your responsibility when it comes right down to it.

sure, she's not that interested in the children's activities... otherwise she'd have custody of them, don't you agree?

i am certain it's difficult for you being put into the position of "evil step mother" when it comes to the ex wife's (dumb and uncalled for) opinions. the 11 year old is probably at an age where she is gullible and believes what her mother says... mark my words, the child DOES have a brain, and will soon figure out her mother is full of sh|t. And in the long run, you will be the person she looks up to and appreciates most.

I know you're not trying to "be her mother" .... but you're a darn good stepmother, that's for sure! I hope you realize that for the 11 year old, she is in a difficult position... i'm sure she loves and cares for you on one hand, and on the other she is being influenced by her mother.....

If i were in your shoes? I'd just gather my dignity, act like a lady and ignore the mother. and if it were me, i wouldn't bother transporting the kids back and forth all those miles to visit the mother.... it's HER visitation and she's the one who needs to make the effort to see her own kids.. just my opinion...

take care. you're doing a wonderful job!

Answer 6

What you think doesn't matter. Any councelor will tell you that bad mouthing on EITHER end is unhealthy. All you can do is encourage those kids to stay positive. It doesn't matter how many things you go to or how many places you drive them because in the end she is their mom, not you. Sorry to sound harsh BUT in those kids eyes she is mom. And well she is. To deface her or belittle her to those kids will only come back to bite you in your behind. You can do do do all you want for them. And later in life they will appreciate all you have done. But right now if she is wanting to get involved DON'T fight it. LET your husband fill her in on schedules and games and appointments. Have him go to her with would you like to help or come or just anything. IF you do it it will only create MORE friction and hostility.

Answer 7

These things happen all the time...u just continue to fullfill your responsibilties and one day the kids too will realize what is right and wrong....just brush her attitude away...she is not worth yur spending time on...so just enjoy the fact that u with a man u love and when u look back at yur life u can proudly say that u did yur duty....

Answer 8

You continue to do what you do....it will all come to light. Don't make this about you and her any more than she already has. Just remember that what you do is important, though it may not seem like it now you are making the best impression for them. And years on when they've grown to be adults your goodness will be what leaves them with the happy feelings they want to remember.

Answer 9

keep doing your part the children will see who's there and who's not they may not say anything about it but it is clear who's got there back so don't sweat it the bio mom is petty anyways because if she was right she would tell those kids to give you the up most respect because these are things she don't have to do and don't have to be worried with doing them furthermore she does want to see her ex happy anyways so that probably why she so bitter

Answer 10

You should certainly continue to support them, but not in the capacity of a mother. They have mother and it isn't you and you need to keep that in mind. As long as you are supportive and not negative they will not resent you.

Answer 11

Just keep doing exactly what you have been doing the children will eventually see what is right.
Remember you do not have to give birth to be a good mother figure.