my husband has emphsema,copd and bronkitis. he has no love or affection for me anymore. he has told me that i am only his care taker nothing more.he sees a lung doctor regular but he says nothing about not being able to perform in bed. in fact he has moved out of our bed.i have tried to talk to him but he gets mad.i really miss the affection.just because he doesnt like to make love do i have to suffer?
2007-10-04 03:57:29 · 53 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
your married or your not.
2007-10-04 04:00:09 · answer #1 · answered by wizjp 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all I am so sorry that you (and your husband) are going through this. It must be hard for you both to deal with the physical problems. Your husband needs you now more than ever, whether he feels like he does or not, and is probably going through a lot emotionally dealing with his chronic illness. Love is an act of will--if you continue to do your best to care for him and act "as if" he were treating you well in return, you may be able to fake it until you can make it & your husband may actually respond positively to the unconditional love that you show him.
Unfortunately, this is one of those "better or worse" situations covered in the wedding vows. If you are really serious about honoring those vows, then cheating isn't an option.
Have you spoken to his doctor? Lack of libido or depression may be part of his illness, or a side affect of the medicine he is taking. If that doesn't get you anywhere, try looking for a support group (either in your area or online for families dealing with these conditions--there may very well be other wives who have been through the same thing and can offer advice.) I found the one below that might be a place to start.
Do you have other support net from somewhere--family, friends, church--to turn to for emotional (not sex!) support? Just having someone to confide in could help you get through this rough time.
If it truly is more than you can bear, you have a tough choice. Divorce would be hard, but at least it would be more honest than cheating. Could you live with the guilt/regret if you left him while he was ill? How would your/his family and friends react and treat you & could you deal with the aftermath? Do you have children? If so, that's a big consideration too.
You don't say what your faith/beliefs are, but it does sound like you are doing some soul-searching. Deep down in your heart and soul you know the right thing to do; I will be praying for you to find the strength to do it.
2007-10-04 04:19:35 · answer #2 · answered by arklatexrat 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes, when a person is sick and it is apparent that they are not going to get better, they start to loose interest in things in life. i don not that he truly means those things, I believe that he is ashamed of himself. He is unable to do the things he used to do. He can not give you what you want so he separates himself from you as a way of not facing it head on. I beleive that you should cut your ties. I know he is sick and all but as you said you still have needs. It would better to leave him and move on to someone else rather than cheat on him and have to face that ridicule as well. I know you love him and I know that somewhere deep inside beyond the illness he has love for you as well, but sometimes we have to love from a distance. That is really your only option here, he may say he doesn't care and that you can sleep with ten men a day, bring into the house and live happily ever after but it will kill him quicker. This is really a tough call, but cheating is never good no matter what, even if the person is literally pushing you into it. Hope this helps, i will be praying you.
2007-10-04 04:07:09 · answer #3 · answered by lashenica j 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
One question is whether you care for him - and I don't mean as his caretaker. Do you love him ? And are you sure that he doesn't care for you anymore ? It is a possibility that his debilitating illness have so taken over his life that he can't think - much less - do anything about anything else. If you love him (remember those marriage vows ? "In sickness and in health" ?) ...if you love him, then this is the "in sickness" part.
If, on the other hand, you don't love him anymore and you don't want to spend the rest of his life as an unpaid nurse, then it is time to leave. Yes, it is wrong to cheat on him when you are still married to him, but it is not wrong to determine that you need more in your life than you have. Just take the long view on this - if you are going to leave him, then leave him and start your life anew. Don't got out and "get affectionate" with someone just for the heck of it and don't do that at all until you are divorced and on your own again.
2007-10-04 04:05:18 · answer #4 · answered by two 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you talked about this? If that's his feeling, then why not leave him? If you want to stay to take care of him, then I think you have every right to cheat. Although I'd tell him that he's at his last straw first. Being a caretaker isn't easy at all. If you need some affection to help you stay strong enough to care for him, then do what you have to do. But keep it quiet. I mean even if he's in the wrong, you'll be seen as the mean one for cheating on your poor, sick spouse. I don't see it that way, but others on here do.
2007-10-04 04:02:29 · answer #5 · answered by Blade_III 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, it would be wrong to cheat on him. No one deserves an unfaithful spouse. If you are truly unhappy in the marriage and you have tried to save it through counselling, etc, then file for divorce first and move on. If you cheat on him, it won't be only your husband that finds out. People will call you an untrustworthy, lying wh**e and any reputation you have built for yourself will be nearly impossible to regain. They will only feel sorry for him (especially since he is sick) and your affair will hound you for the rest of your life. I'm sorry, but people are very judgmental even when they don't have all the facts. You're in a tough situation. Good luck.
2007-10-04 04:18:52 · answer #6 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What is the matter with people nowadays? Man the answers some of you people come up with are so freaking selfish.
Did you marry him for better or for worse? in sickness or in health? til death do you part?
My first wife divorced me because I became deaf. She told me it was because that I wasn't a whole man anymore. Just so you know though she wasn't all that bad just messed up. The whole time that her and I were together I knew this and because we were married I wasn't going to leave, because I take my vows seriously. They aren't something that is just said it is a binding contract with you, God and the one you are marrying.
I had a hard time dealing with going deaf and she wanted to help but she couldn't help with the mental adjustments or having to deal with the surgery or the recovery. That is where I needed to figure out things on my own, my own way of dealing with being deaf at the age of 26. What she didn't understand is that I needed moral support and that was all. Just for the record her and I didn't have sex for more than 2 years while I was going through this. That wasn't my choice it was hers.
Try to understand where he is coming from and what he is dealing with. Talk to him and let him know how you feel and what is going on with you. It could be that right now he is on a selfpitty trip and needs you more than you think he does.
2007-10-04 04:16:29 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Look, the man is sick! He probably doesn't feel up to it. Saying he doesn't love you is a defense mechanism. He probably feels pressured and he feels unable to perform. His performance is bed is not just about his physical health but also about his psychological condition, if he feels pressured and worried, he isn't going to do it. Also if he feels that you might not want to but are just suggesting it for his sake, that's the ultimate beating his ego can take. Now as far as cheating is concerned, it's you're call but since you called it 'cheating' and since you're seeking approval/disapproval on the Internet, it seems to me that this is something you aren't comfortable with yourself about. In my opinion, if you're serious about you're marriage, you should either not do it, or at least make him aware of what is going on. Tell him what's wrong and try as gently as possible to ask him whether since he 'doesn't care' about you he would have any objections to you having another relationship.
2007-10-04 04:09:50 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is totally wrong to cheat and if you get found out the outcome for you will be disasterous as you will most likely end up homeless and losing a divorce case.
You either fix your marriage or you get a divorce and start a new life. Whatever you do, don't cheat - you got married and made a commitment and now cos things are tough you are thinking of cheating?
2007-10-04 04:03:39 · answer #9 · answered by Paul M 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
yes, it is wrong to cheat under any circumstances. however, there are two instances that make what you want more ethical. 1) if you get a divorce and still decide to take care of him that's cool. 2) i'm pretty sure it's not cheating if you have his approval. cheating (in my definition) is that betrayal of love and trust. if he knows and doesn't mind because he has no intention of being with you, then go right ahead. the only difference is you don't have a divorce paper and still live in the same house. it would save a costly divorce and splitting of the property.
2007-10-04 04:04:12 · answer #10 · answered by Heather Honey 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he is a little selfish. Yes, it is wrong to cheat on him. Remember the line" through sickness and in health, til death do us part"? Talk to him about the situation and see if he can understand how you feel. He's probably mad at the whole world right now at being diagnosed with all those illnesses. Ask him if he wants a divorce, because your still active and need to move on in life. God bless you and him and good luck in whatever you do.
2007-10-04 04:03:09 · answer #11 · answered by God Bless America 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋