If you have followed my sad saga you know that my wife of 5 yrs. who managed her illness and I had a great marriage. My stepson got in trouble all the time, drugs, arrests, underage drinking etc. I tried to set boundaries but my wife felt that she could help him if it was one on one in an apartment so she moved out to help him. We were still together for 5 mos. and then she quit her meds. [doctor told me]. I did all I could to get her back on but she enjoys the mania. Then 3 mos ago she started an affair with a real lowlife who sees she is vulnerable. I gave her divorce papers she wanted. Now I am heartsick and wish I could have a miracle. It hurts me to my soul that this woman who I felt was my soulmate is like talking to a stranger now. Its a helpless ,hollow feeling. I wish I could just let it go but the Love I have for her just wont let me rest. I know shes ill but I cant live like this any advice appreciated.
2007-10-04 02:20:31 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Your wife has refused to take any responsibility for her condition and for some reason you feel responsible for this. I feel this guilt inhibits you from moving on. People who have issues as your wife sounds to have find people like you who feel a need to rescue. She uses her illness to her advantage because it most likely worked for her in the past to excuse bad behaviour. Because you feel the need to rescue you unknowingly get tied into this game of hers. For you to move on and be able to let go of the guilt you must first work on why it is you need to rescue. Most people who go through a divorce experience sadness and grief over lost of dreams and hopes that are no longer in existence. It is only natural for you to feel a sense of failure and heartbreak as you are feeling now. Seek the help you need to grow from her manipulation and control she has had on you and in time you will be a better person for it. You are not responsible for something that is not in your control. She chose to move out, she chose to stop her medication, she chose to have an affair. Now the right thing for you would be to do as you did, and that is to chose divorce over living a life of uncertainty and unhappiness. Best of luck to you!
2007-10-04 03:01:02 · answer #1 · answered by pictureshygirl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi... i'm sorry to see you are struggling with this... and i've seen at least one of your other questions.
I have bipolar disorder, too, and it's not uncommon for those of us with mental illnesses to go off our meds... even when we really need them.
Hon, we don't just toss our feelings into the trash when we break off a relationship, and it takes time to adjust to life and move on. It's unfortunate your wife has taken a bad direction, and it would be nice if things were different.
I wanted to make a comment about the step son. Setting boundaries is a wonderful thing, but if the kid was taking drugs and drinking, he needs more than boundaries. I'm sure he has emotional problems and he could probably use therapy - and medical help. Most people who drink and abuse drugs, end up getting arrested have mental illness/emotional problems that shouldn't be ignored.
Your wife can't "help" or change her son... and she is probably the root of his emotional problems, or at least part of them.
I hope you will consider some therapy or check into some self-help websites... you could do a yahoo search on COPING WITH A BREAK UP, LIFE AFTER DIVORCE, HEALING FROM A DIVORCE, etc.
take care.
2007-10-04 02:44:27 · answer #2 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I had a similar situation, and I can only say that I hope that you can find the peace I have.
Long story short, my wife had an affair with a very rich man, starting when my son was 8 months old, and left us for 60 days. Then she came back with all kinds of money and proceeded to put me through a two-year custody battle during our divorce.
The winding path of pain, loss, bewilderment, and agony were unbearable at times.
I could write a dissertation on the subject, however, instead I will share with you the real secret, boiled down.
Here it is, $70K worth of divorce, many hours of counseling, and countless books:
The love you feel for her has nothing to do with her anymore. Instead it is a testament to how good a person you are, and how completely and true your love is when you choose to give it.
Simple, but complex when you try to live it. nothing can take away your pain, but what you do with the time that follows.
My advice to you is to lean on family, read books on the subject, find support groups and sites on the internet, get into counseling if you feel it necessary, and start the healing process.
The good news is that when you can finally accept and let go of this, you will come out a better person, with an a knowledge that you can give a wonderful true love to the next person you choose to.
It can be a long road, with many, many nights of despair. However, I can tell you that it can be worth it, and you can do it.
Good luck my friend.
2007-10-04 02:32:48 · answer #3 · answered by Scott D 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
That is a sad story, but life takes someone to a journey with lessons to learn. No matter what you always love this woman and you can make someone loves you back. Let her liver her life the way she see fit, but you go on with yours however painful it is. Time can only heal. Life is too short to stay for the moment. Just think of all the happy times you guys had and keep it that way. Keep it simple and positive. Keep your head up and try to move on. She's the one who's missing out on a great person.
2007-10-04 02:27:54 · answer #4 · answered by Narita Ayu Y 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, I don't know what I can say to make you feel better but it will take lots of time for you to heal. A person can stay in your heart for a very long time and thats not something that goes away very easily but it will happen. The thing that might really help is remembering you deserve better and only open your heart to those who will be good to it.
2007-10-04 02:35:38 · answer #5 · answered by meow? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't change this woman....Keep praying for her and in the mean time move on. You have a good heart. Just keep an open mind that someday you might be able to help her if she needs it but, for now you need to do what is best for you.
Maybe get some counseling to help get stronger and to be able to see things a little different......good luck
2007-10-04 02:27:33 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You CAN live without her and be a better person because of it. It will take time. As tacky as this sounds....go find someone and have a physical relationship......you probably miss the 'you know what' and she isnt the only one that has it....check for mental disorders this time. Dont try to be the healer.....you didnt cause it, you cant fix it. Good luck .
2007-10-04 02:28:31 · answer #7 · answered by Emily 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
When a STEPKID, gets in troble, a mother will throw herself in front of a moving train to make a point!! As in your circumstance! It is possible that these events just gave her/them reason to get away from you!! I am sorry for your p[roblem, but start trying to rebuild yuor life!! You may be the only survivor!! MGB
2007-10-04 02:32:03 · answer #8 · answered by happywjc 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
what we want isn't always what is best for us. she is NOT the same person you love anymore. that person was only present because of her meds. i am so sorry that you are in pain. but give yourself more time. maybe talk to your physician and ask about a support group. best wishes for you.
2007-10-04 02:27:52 · answer #9 · answered by luvbuggies 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry for you but a lesson for everyone else! To preserve your own sanity,avoid becoming involved with anyone who's bi-polar! That roller coaster ride is FOREVER! :-(=
2007-10-04 02:27:26 · answer #10 · answered by Jcontrols 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋